Wellness Coaching Australia

The Power of Conversation

2012-01-27T07:54:00.002+11:00

Over this holiday time of year many of us have spent time with family and friends, catching up with loved ones (and others) that we haven't seen for some months and generally trying to "reconnect" in the time we have available. This can produce some wonderful moments and great memories to sustain us through the year. It can also produce some moments of confusion, some re-evaluation of relationships and of course, at times acceptance that we have grown apart sadly from some people we were previously close to. How do we experience all of this? Well most of this awareness comes from simply conversing with people!
But are we as good as we think we are at helping those conversations flow and produce a mutually enjoyable event? Good communication skills are high on my list of things I would like to pass on to my kids as I really believe that they are an invaluable asset for making life easy and meaningful.
I was reading a piece by Gary Edwards on this topic that really struck a few chords with me. As a lawyer, he revealed that he had spent the first few years of his marriage "cross examining" his wife! After all he was trained to put forward his case, state his arguments and then dismantle the other person's by use of confrontational questioning. (A good reminder that asking questions is a very useful skill, but the intent behind the questions is also important! And when you think about it, we are taught these same "cross-examining" skills at schools, in debate and use them instinctively in any other situation when we want to win.
Is there an alternative? Yes, rather than have a winner or a loser, we can always compromise.

The trouble with compromise
In order to avoid confrontation, we will often compromise - accepting that we all have differences and sometimes we have to give in a little.
Or a lot.
And that's the issue. There are times when we feel that we have compromised a lot more than the other person. It can leave us feeling vaguely unsatisfied and unhappy. Conflict is a part of life as we are all so different, it's the confrontation of the differences that we tend to avoid.
So back to catching up with old friends and family...
Very often our conversations will lead to discussion of what we've been doing, how we are living which on a surface level seems to be the most important information to impart. But very often that conversation starts to take on a competitive flavour - even though we don't mean it to. This is how easily we can get it wrong. It is in our nature to either compete or cooperate and the desire to do one or the other can cause frustration and lead to compromise. We start to see how conversations can go so wrong.

My author of interest, Gary Edwards refers to what he calls, "The Promise of Potential", where he describes how, as magician, he is aiming to both entertain and amuse people. His interaction with people is viewed as a potential to bring out the fun and laughter in them. I love this description. I would use the term of "The Promise of Possibility" and apply it to any interaction with other people. Any conversation holds the possibility of generating some emotion that will warm both of our hearts. That may involve laughter, that may involve sharing, or even increased awareness and enlightenment; but together we just might get it right and make our respective days (and relationship) brighter.
70% of our time is made up of conversations!

The master skill of this age - Collaboration
Unlike cooperation, collaboration recognises that there are difference and tensions between people and they don't have to be quashed with goodwill in order to work together. When we collaborate we use our strengths and learn to work around our differences. And of course my personal and professional interest in this skill is obvious - after all, collaboration is one of the basic building blocks of good coaching!
Collaborative communication requires respect. And that can be shown in many ways. Simply by listening to what the person has to say and showing them you have heard builds trust. Realising that their viewpoint may be different to ours also requires respect. Recognising that our experience or situation causes use to feel differently about various aspects of life is the first step.
A personal example
Many of my friends still have kids at home and their way of living and what they strive for may be quite different to mine as my offspring are now independent. That can cause a big shift in life and we are often forced into reassessing our values and learning to recognising our changing lifestyle needs. This difference in situation could cause a big gulf in many friendships that may have been based on the sharing of experiences in bringing up our children. But if we converse "collaboratively" and discuss the differences in our situation, we start to understand ourselves better and to respect each other's current position.
Trivial chat is great for bus stops...
…if you happen to catch a bus. I love nothing more than a quick conversational exchange with people I don't know yet wish to connect with. But when it comes to close friends, I haven' got a lot of patience for endless, meaningless chat which generally does not involve any emotional connection. So instead of hearing what you did, tell me what you feel. How did this year/experience affect you as a person? Are you in a good place or a bad place, or somewhere in between? What do you think you can learn from what's going on? That's the kind of conversation I prefer. I can then get closer my friend by understanding their experience better and we can bridge the gap that time apart may have caused.
Laughter wins every time!
One of the best ways to reconnect with people is with humour. Sharing funny events or observations that you can both laugh out loud about is the quickest way to deep connection. Brain chemicals are released with laughter that activate the creative right side of the brain and start an emotional release that allows further emotions to flow. Somehow shared humour can bridge any gap that exists and bring you closer again. It's a great way of reconnecting with others, and sometimes with yourself.
There are so many elements to good and effective communication. I wish they were taught in schools so that it can become a lifelong habit.

Please feel free to post your comments below

WHAT CONSTITUTES A "POSITIVE RELATIONSHIP"?

2011-10-26T19:54:00.002+11:00

I am still mulling over Martin Seligman's new definition of Well-being (formerly happiness) which, as you have read, I much prefer to the old one. However, there is one of the components of PERMA that I ponder over for longer as it seems to be very open to interpretation by the individual.
If having "positive relationships" is the most critical factor in Well-being how can we define and measure what that means?
it may sound pretty obvious to most of you but this year has been a time of some introspection for yours truly as our move interstate has meant closing some doors and opening some new ones. Although I often feel that I have left just many doors half ajar and keep popping back into the room to check that I haven't left anything behind!
Let's make this reflection more concrete and try and summarise what positive relationship could possibly consist of:
Someone who has known you for a long time - knows and perhaps shares your history, is familiar with who you are, the good, the bad and the ugly.
as opposed to
Someone who has known you for a short period of time - a new "friend" and has learnt what you have chosen to show them in your brief acquaintance. There is often a honeymoon period associated with these relationships when the novelty value adds to the impression you are purposely trying to create. You are "interesting". A bit like being on your best behaviour. God knows, if we weren't, we'd never make new friends!

Then you have all these other relationships. Which of these add the most value to this element of well-being?
People you can laugh with (and at)
People who you can share intellectual discussions with (a meeting of the minds)
People you can just be with without the need for talk
Someone you see every day and say hello to - part of your familiar routine even though you don't know them well.
Someone you see rarely who may be deeply loved, or just someone whose company you enjoy when you do see them.
Is if your family who can often bring as much 'angst' to your life as pleasure?
Is it someone you care for or someone who cares for you?
Is it someone who accepts you for who you are? Or someone who pushes you to be more than you thought you could be?
Is it someone who has hurt you in the past but whom you have forgiven?
Or someone you want to get to know better?
Is it the people you work with who share your vision and the tough times in your job?
Or the people you celebrate success with?

So it seems to me that there are many layers and categories of positivity in relationships and I would love a direct recipe for which combination is essential to our wellbeing. Because for the last year I have had to accept that I am not in contact with many people I have shared much of my recent life with (about 30 years!) Are they replaceable. Can four superficial friendships replace one deep friendships?
Alas I have not got the answer to this and perhaps Martin Seligman does but to make some sense out of my pondering, I guess it's a case of looking down a list such as this and seeing if there is something that feels like it's missing. And then trying to find a way to fill it. Relationships change and maybe it's a case of retaining the positivity of the past connection and making it fit into a new mould?

Perhaps we can write down names of people who fit the categories we are missing and try and find a way of reconnecting with them, even if for short times.
Ask yourself - am I getting enough "PR" to fit my needs? And if not, go out and get it?
After all it's what makes the world go round.
I would love to hear anyone's comments?I am still mulling over Martin Seligman's new definition of Well-being (formerly happiness) which, as you have read, I much prefer to the old one. However, there is one of the components of PERMA that I ponder over for longer as it seems to be very open to interpretation by the individual.
If having "positive relationships" is the most critical factor in Well-being how can we define and measure what that means?
it may sound pretty obvious to most of you but this year has been a time of some introspection for yours truly as our move interstate has meant closing some doors and opening some new ones. Although I often feel that I have left just many doors half ajar and keep popping back into the room to check that I haven't left anything behind!
Let's make this reflection more concrete and try and summarise what positive relationship could possibly consist of:
Someone who has known you for a long time - knows and perhaps shares your history, is familiar with who you are, the good, the bad and the ugly.
as opposed to
Someone who has known you for a short period of time - a new "friend" and has learnt what you have chosen to show them in your brief acquaintance. There is often a honeymoon period associated with these relationships when the novelty value adds to the impression you are purposely trying to create. You are "interesting". A bit like being on your best behaviour. God knows, if we weren't, we'd never make new friends!

Then you have all these other relationships. Which of these add the most value to this element of well-being?

People you can laugh with (and at - of course with)
People who you can share intellectual discussions with (a meeting of the minds)
People you can just be with without the need for talk
Someone you see every day and say hello to - part of your familiar routine even though you don't know them well.
Someone you see rarely who may be deeply loved, or just someone whose company you enjoy when you do see them.
Is if your family who can often bring as much 'angst' to your life as pleasure?
Is it someone you care for or someone who cares for you?
Is it someone who accepts you for who you are? Or someone who pushes you to be more than you thought you could be?
Is it someone who has hurt you in the past but whom you have forgiven?
Or someone you want to get to know better?
Is it the people you work with who share your vision and the tough times in your job?
Or the people you celebrate success with?

So it seems to me that there are many layers and categories of positivity in relationships and I would love a direct recipe for which combination is essential to our wellbeing. Because for the last year I have had to accept that I am not in contact with many people I have shared much of my recent life with (about 30 years!) Are they replaceable. Can four superficial friendships replace one deep friendships?
Alas I have not got the answer to this and perhaps Martin Seligman does but to make some sense out of my pondering, I guess it's a case of looking down a list such as this and seeing if there is something that feels like it's missing. And then trying to find a way to fill it. Relationships change and maybe it's a case of retaining the positivity of the past connection and making it fit into a new mould?

Perhaps we can write down names of people who fit the categories we are missing and try and find a way of reconnecting with them, even if for short times.
Ask yourself - am I getting enough "PR" to fit my needs? And if not, go out and get it?
After all it's what makes the world go round.
I would love to hear anyone's comments?

2011-09-19T06:43:00.002+10:00

I attended the Happiness conference in Brisban a few months ago, and had the privilege of again listening to some outstanding speakers talk on a topic that is very close to my heart! Why wouldn’t it be? After all, isn’t this the aim of everyone alive - to be “happy”? Defining what happiness means is the hard part . The positive psychology movement is really only about 11 years old so it is relatively a very young idea and it is interesting to have witnessed slight changes in focus in the time I have been interested in this area. For example, Dr Martin Seligman, the man responsible for founding the movement has himself changed his approach and in his new book “Flourishing” he explains that the very word “happiness” has become almost diluted, if not polluted by its somewhat trite association with - “being in a cheerful mood”. We can sense (and also hear) Seligman’s distaste for the very popular smiley face symbol and he is at pains to remove his work from that concept. Instead, he now defines happiness as being a “construct” made up of five areas

PERMA
P - positive emotions
E - engagement
R -positive relationships
M - meaning
A - achievement

The latter is interesting because for the first time, he is accepting and acknowledging that people are often driven by the simple need to “achieve” and for some this can be “winning” Although it doesn’t seem like a very noble desire, it is a fact and Seligman, above all else, is all about reality!

Back to the conference. Now, Seligman may have his revered ideas of what happiness is all about but, as individuals, we also have the right to have a thought of two about what we are striving for. Working in the field of health and wellness, I have had a bit of a “thing” since the first year I attended the “Well-being summit” in Washington that not once was the word “health” or “exercise” mentioned! For me, happiness or “well-being isn’t really possible without including a degree of vigorous movement in my life. Simply for the sake of it! Imagination my gratification when not one, but three speakers referred directly to the concept of physical health as being an essential part of happiness. I could have hugged Tony Grant when he said, “if you’re sitting on the couch drinking coke and.... “ it’s pretty hard to be truly “well”. So finally my worlds come together. We use the principles of positive psychology in wellness coaching constantly and it was great to see what we strive for acknowledged. To me, striving for optimal mental well-being won’t cut it. I want to strive for optimal physical well-being too. A guest at The Golden Door recently caught me off guard when she pointed out that if you have a physical illness it’s hard to be truly well. It made me think about my answer carefully but I still hold that even with illness we can strive to adopt habits that adhere to healthy living. And perhaps in cases such as illness, acceptance will bring mental well-being.

So to sum up my reflections on the Happiness Conference - never have I seen so many empathic, tolerant and accepting people in one place - after all the Dalai Lama was a keynote speaker. But we must all find our own recipe for “well-being”. For me, I can sum up the top three. I will not be truly happy unless I have Laughter, Love and Exercise. But that’s just me! And perhaps they are a reflection of my values rather than a recipe for optimal well-being. Or perhaps they are a means to an end! Whatever it is for you, work it out and go and get it.

DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY! - HELPING YOUR CLIENTS DEAL WITH ANXIETY

2011-08-11T15:34:00.005+10:00

It has been some months since I heard Sarah Edelman speak at The Happiness Conference (which Martin Seligman would no doubt change to the Wellbeing Conference if he had his way as this is the new term he uses in preference to the one that conjures up happy, smiling faces). Since then I have been keen to pass on some of the very valuable content of her session because of its relevance and practicality to our work. Anxiety and worry are such household terms and common complaints that we cannot ignore their existence in today's world, nor can we leave them solely to the mental health workers. If we are to live up to our name and be true wellness coaches, we must become proficient and capable in both recognising anxiety when it can be alleviated by habitual practices, and when it is out of our sphere of control and referral is necessary.

I used to think that panic attacks were something that people experienced when they were really not mentally "well". I now think differently as I hear quite frequently, clients describing times when palpitations and feeling of shortness of breath, plus extreme anxiety can stop them in their tracks. It is a fact of life that our responsibilities and our expectations have increased and the complexity of our very existence has pushed many to the brink of occasional dysfunction due to perceived threats around them.

And this is where anxiety comes from - a perceived threat. How can we be threatened when we are standing in a shopping centre surrounded by people you might ask? Evolution has favoured anxiety as those who "watch their back" tend to survive longer. Anxiety produces a fight or flight response that galvanises us to action and helps us focus on the threat at hand. We are alert and can move quickly.

However, these days the threat is more often to our emotional safety then our physical safety and stress is caused by deadlines, pressure at work, demanding people, financial worry and the need to be in control! The flight or flight response is not useful at times like this as it activates the sympathetic nervous system which is all about defensiveness, increased pulse rate and breathing, guilt - and can lead to depression and of course anxiety. When this happens frequently, it becomes what is termed an "anxiety disorder" and can attack the very fabric of our well-being.

Generalised anxiety disorder is one of the more common disorders and is often called the "Worrying disorder". When we worry constantly we are paying frequent attention to possible threats and it can cause restlessness, lack of ability to concentrate, sleep disturbance and muscle tension. Many people live with it for years. A simple occurrence can set the worrier off on a, "What if… ?" tangent and they often catastrophise ambiguous events.

Responses to constant worrying can be negative thought patterns, any unpleasant physical symptoms including tiredness, avoidance of common situations that cause fear by drinking, eating, smoking or other addictive behaviours, or the need for excessive control.

Behavioural Strategies for AnxietyConfront your fears: avoiding them strengthens our fear over time and makes us less able to cope when we have to. Identify what you have been avoiding and expose yourself to the things you are afraid of gradually.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation: releasing tension in this way can reduce anxiety as it is impossible to be physically relaxed and anxious at the same time. Becoming familiar with how our body is working and recognising tension can prevent it from building up.

Meditation: releasing our mind and therefore releasing stressful thoughts. Mindfulness has received much attention as it can be useful in managing various conditions. It involves bringing conscious awareness to our present experience - particularly sensory experience such as breathing and also non-judgmental awareness of our thoughts and bodily sensations. Observing them helps us to disengage with them!

Dealing with Worry:Challenging Catastrophic Thoughts: If we can realise that our thoughts may well be leading us astray, we can challenge their reality. Ask questions such as:
▪ What are the facts?
▪ How am I interpreting them?
▪ Is there any evidence to support this?
▪ What would someone (calmer, more rational) think?
▪ Are my thoughts based on facts or feigns?
▪ What is the worst think that can happen (realistically)?
▪ What is the best thing that can happen?

Common beliefs about the benefits of worry: this may sound strange but many people think that worrying somehow protects them and makes them less vulnerable. Here are some common beliefs:

Worrying prepares me for the worst? Does it? or does it simply cause us more heartache in the present when the event may never happen?

Worrying is a form of problem solving. Not for many. It is more likely to be represent pointless rumination that leads to no action. A big difference.

Worrying can prevent bad things from happening? Really??

Worrying is a positive personality trait - it means I'm caring. Hmm.. perhaps there are more productive ways to show that you care.

Identifying any beliefs like these can be the first step to testing the and changing them.

This is a complex area for us to deal with as health and fitness professionals.

How does the way we coach fit in?
I presented this week at the HPM congress on the results of Boyatzis research that shows that positive coaching actually causes the brain to light up in different ways and the Positive Emotional Attractors it arouses in our brain can activate the parasympathetic nervous system that causes the exact opposite effect to worrying! It opens up our focus and increases hope and optimism that in turn creates new possibilities. In short, it helps us prepare for and engage in sustained desired change.

How can coaching ever be undervalued? But positive coaching differs from coaching for compliance which is all about "fixing weaknesses" and directing the client to take the next step. There is a big difference. Let's help our clients become aware of the tendency to worry and help them realise how this an shut down their worlds and with our skill set open them up to an exciting future filled with a degree of uncertainty but loads of exciting possibilities!

Reference: Sarah Edelman, Change your thinking
Richard Boyatzis, Intentional Change Theory
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2011-06-06T06:59:00.002+10:00

Is Fear an Emotion we can live without?

We might be tempted to answer "YES!" Who wants to be scared? How weak is that! Yet when we think about it, fear is one of the strongest motivators there is. It can do one of two things - it can energise us to act and move in a certain direction (away from the sabre tooth tiger) or paralyse us into inaction - to freeze. Both can be useful at the right time, depending on how fast we run, or whether the tiger is less likely to attack a stationery prey! So if we accept that fear is a necessary emotion, if not desirable..

What can we learn from fear?
Gerald Jambolswy writes that all negative emotions come from fear. He also says that the opposite of fear is love and that if we can replace one with the other, we will live a happy, productive life. Now that may sound like a bit of a stretch for some of us but the concept is clear.

Think of a few negative emotions - hatred, jealousy, anger, regret. When we think of times we have experienced these and explore what was behind them we can often find a fear element in each. This is an uncomfortable question for people who like to think of themselves as "strong". After all, anger is a big righteous emotion at times but dig a few layers down and we can usually uncover a fear of some kind. - very often of loss. I found it an interesting way of reframing these emotional energy drains that occur now and again, whether we like them or not. And even more useful was the realisation that everyone else experiences the same mixture so when people act in a seemingly unpleasant way (towards us), they too are probably coming from a place of fear. This certainly makes it easier to understand and possibly to forgive or accept their behaviours. It also makes the notion of replacing fear with love somewhat more achievable. After all, if we can understand that someone who is upsetting us is also acting from fear, then it makes it easier to experience compassion.

Can emotions be intellectualised like this?
I can understand that for some people, dissecting why we experience certain feelings can be just too analytical and they might argue that our emotions are part of who we are and should be allowed to "run wild and free" for want of a better description. To try and change or explain these emotions is going against our natural tendencies. Yet it it has been my experience that when I am going through troubled times, or feeling out of kilter for any reason, I like to do a bit of introspection to work out what the real cause of my uneasiness or unhappiness is. "Seek first to understand" would be my policy and I would direct this understanding towards myself! After all, it's all about me - at least in this instance. By spending time checking into this idea of fear being replaceable by love, I have acquired another tool to reduce anxiety. It has also helped me to get closer to that desirable place of accepting other people by realising that they too may be simply scared of losing something!

How can we turn fear into a useful emotion?
What we're discussing above is when other people cause our negativity. There are times when fear can simply stop us from taking action and have nothing to do with anyone else. Susan Jeffers landmark book, "Feel the fear and do it anyway" wasn't a best seller by sheer chance. The tittle spoke to anyone who has ever felt that they are missing out of something by being too scared to act. The book has wonderful messages and advice about how to channel our fear into more positive emotions and how small adjustments in our thinking can help this happen. I recall the part where she suggests that making a list of things we are worried about, then re-writing the list with the words "I worry that……." being replied with "I wonder if…." could create such a difference in perception of our situation and move us more towards acceptance of outcomes.

So when I find myself feeling fear I like now to think of it as a challenge that has been sent my way because it is exactly what I need to face at this point in my life. . I like to try and detect what lesson is being delivered and what my fear is telling me I need to learn. That small shift can turn a negative into a positive for me and I can sense the excitement of challenge instead of the freeze of fear.

Isn't this a little weak to admit to clients who hire us as coaches?
I think not. The best way of coaching anyone is to get as close to understanding what they are experiencing as we can. If life runs smoothly and we are always in control of our emotions, how can we possibly relate to anyone else who seeks change?
After all, we are in this world together.

2011-04-25T12:49:00.003+10:00

These last few months have given me good reason to come face to face with change and get to know my own response to a shifting framework, of circumstances and surroundings, if not lifestyle habits. I have recently taken up a new position and am in charge of a group of Health retreats and spas called The Golden Door which has necessitated a move interstate with all associated chaos. When faced with challenge in my personal life, I am reminded of the experience of my clients - or anyone who wants to move towards more fulfilment and satisfaction in their life. The reality is that change is hard. It means leaving some things behind and replacing then with new routines, people and sometimes possessions. And of course these latter things can be very exciting. Yet human nature has this strange contradiction. To again fall back on my old "friend", Hugh MacKay's musings, "On one hand we seem to crave stability, ritual, repetition and the comfort of the familiar and the predictable.. yet on the other hand, we seem to be constantly yearning for things to be different." Never has this rung more true to me! And I feel that it is exactly this dilemma that creates the struggle for people who want to live in a different way - deal with stress better, be more active, eat a healthier diet, yet find it confronting to give up their regular way of living, eating, moving.

HOW DO WE SUSTAIN CHANGE?
So while I try and balance the mixed emotions of excitement and nervousness that my change in circumstances has created with the inevitable upheaval and emotional cost of leaving people and possessions behind, I am also thrown into a world where I am involved in programs that expose our guests at Golden Door to sudden change, (even if temporary). People come to the health retreats for many reasons - it might simply be a rest and a detox for their bodies (and minds), or because they want to go away revitalised. However, I also feel that many are looking for redirection as well as revitalisation and this is where I see the opportunities lie.

During their 5 or 7 day stay, our guests have time to take stock and set some new goals about where they would like to create change in their lives. Many people come in highly stressed and go through a gradual process of unwinding, detoxing, and letting go of the everyday cares that go with often overly busy lives. By the time they leave, they may experience a shift in body posture, their smiles soften and the energy in the retreat changes. It is a wonderful time for those who choose to give themselves this break. Mainly women, but the men who join us get as much out of the program as their female counterparts. It has often been their wives who have booked them in!

I remember the feeling well of going home after five days at Elysia some years ago now, and wanting to retain the "clean" feeling but it was difficult and life quickly took up its rapid pace and stress returned. The new habits that I wanted to develop somehow got pushed to the side and even though I had a relatively healthy life compared to many, I found it hard not to revert to the familiar routine of let's say, overworking and under-relaxing!

The role that Wellness Coaching can play
Wouldn't it be great if we could get the support of a coach to help us through the stage of change where we develop a routine that eventually becomes automatic and our new lifestyle habits stick? Why isn't this possible? I believe that the health retreat of the future (the near future) will offer this service. The only way we can sustain a change in habits is to practice the new ones diligently. A coach can help by providing accountability, support and at times, information. So people who take that precious time out the their lives to reset their direction, can know that they will be supported on their return home when the real work is done to make new routines as automatic and familiar as the old ones. I can see so many opportunities to combine coaching programs with the concept of an intensive retreat and plan to make the most of this new platform to promote change in individuals through the means of a coaching relationship.

What about the people who seems to thrive on stress and run on nervous energy?
I believe that the need for excitement, challenge and stimulus is greater in some than in others and our restlessness is a personality trait that is very common and individual. The need for peace, calm and stability are very personal and for many of us, learning to find our centre and take time out regularly for contemplation is enough to retain our equilibrium and to balance the desire at times to be within our comfort zones, yet constantly moving out of them. Perhaps this is a more worthwhile goal than constant simplification, slowing down and chilling out!

WHAT STOPS US FROM CONNECTING WITH PEOPLE?

2011-03-07T19:24:00.003+11:00

I wrote an ebook for our business members recently entitled "Connecting with People" and it made me think seriously about why we often find this so difficult if it is one of our basic drives. Most of us will take part in superficial conversation quite comfortably (although there are others who are not happy even doing this). But when we start to get into the "heavier" stuff, it can be uncomfortable for many of us. If we agree that life is much richer when share, and that relationships are the building blocks towards a fulfilled life, then we have to put some effort into creating and nurturing them. Yet all too often we leave a meeting/encounter with the sense that we kind of "missed the mark" and feel somewhat lonely, unheard or have a sense that something important wasn't said. Why is this so?

Here are 10 observations of the challenges we face or the thoughts that go through our head and some potential solutions:

1. IT'S EASIER TO TALK ABOUT FACTS THAN EMOTIONS
We enjoy sharing our knowledge with others. But where's the value in commenting on what's going on in the world, your life or even the weather unless we say something about how what effect that has on us? Or what we think about it? Our friends might as well watch the news. Sharing our feelings and perceptions of events doesn't mean we're making it all "about us" - instead we allow people to learn more about us and we become colourful and real, instead of one-dimensional fact machines.

2. WE DON'T WANT TO BE ACCUSED OF GOSSIP OR ENGAGING IN IDLE CHAT ABOUT OTHERS
Of course we don't. But people are part of our lives and how we react or respond to others says a lot about who we are. And others want to know who we are! Expressing concern, interest or enquiry about the other people in our world is a way of building our community and showing that we do care. Talking about our relationships with a third party can often be a great way of working out how we're feeling and recognising our own part in perhaps a conflict or other disagreement. We do need to avoid falling into the trap of criticising, or judging and not to allow our conversation partner to steer the discussion in that direction.

3. WE DON'T LIKE TALKING ABOUT OUR FEELINGS
Some people love to and some people hate to. Admitting to having feelings can reveal weakness. And it doesn't matter whether the feelings are good - like satisfaction or pride, or bad, like shame, fear, anxiety or loss. And yet, once again, having the privilege of a close friend sharing on a level that goes beyond superficial is a gift. I was once part of a group of people who got together to informally support and work through, let's say, a stage of life. It was a rewarding time spent together yet there was one person in the group who eventually everyone owned up to feeling a little uncomfortable with. We started to recognise that although that person was a good listener and undoubtably sympathetic and supportive, she never shared any details of her life. So we felt shut out and a bit like the floor show. Sharing has to be two way.

4. WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WE ARE FEELING
Now that's an obstacle that's fairly common. If you think that applies to you, start trying out a few possibilities. Some people simply don't have the language to describe their feelings and as coaches we can often help by translating a "noise" a client makes into a helpful reflection. "So you're feeling frustrated with the situation?" YES they say with relief. If you are not sure what's going on inside, try brainstorming a few ideas with someone you're close to. Acknowledgment of a strong emotion is the first step to working with it.

5. TALKING ABOUT IT DOESN'T MAKE IT BETTER
No one has suggested that another person has the power to "make it all right". But gaining the support and kind ear of another can ease our pain or annoyance. And if they're very perceptive, they may be able to help us come up with some action that can help us more towards more positive emotions. "Complicated" grief is caused when a person is unable to recognise the feelings of loss and they push the sadness to one side. It doesn't go away and we don't learn to live with it until we look it in the face and accept it for what it is.

6. WHY WOULD ANYONE BE INTERESTED IN OUR PROBLEMS?
People are intrinsically interested in others. Or the ones we want to know are.

7. IT'S MUCH BETTER TO KEEP IT LIGHT
Sure if you want to live your life at a shallow level. We don't have to wallow in daily discussions of emotional hogwash, but people are very complex and interesting and there is great value on pondering the big questions now and again.

8. I DON'T GET A WORD IN
Take a deep breath and say loudly, "It's my turn". Or hold up your hand. This can work. Conversation should be equally shared. Monoloques or soliloquies are for the stage.

9. MY FRIENDS AREN'T "SHARERS"
Ask some open ended questions and avoid answering them yourself. Learn to be comfortable with silence. Even the most silent types will break eventually and give out some information.

10. I JUST DON'T HAVE THE TIME
If you haven't got time to connect with people, then you're taking up valuable air space. You could find a cave or a mountain top and spend some time there. But don't expect people to have time for you should you feel the need for help, support or communication.

Connecting with others makes our lives richer and can only improve our relationships. So why not take the time out to connect with someone more effectively today?

WELLNESS COACHING - CAN THIS WORK IN A GROUP SETTING?

2011-03-01T13:04:00.004+11:00

Why would a group setting be as good as (if not better) then one on one coaching where an individual gets more attention? There are many reasons why group work can be very effective and an ideal way to start your coaching service.

AFFORDABLE - the cost is spread and the coach can earn a higher hourly rate.
TIME EFFICIENT - in one session, many peope can achieve the motivation to change.
ENERGY - when a group is formed, it creates its own energy which is sometimes greater than the sum of the whole!
GROUP DYNAMICS - each group will work in a different way and the dynamics at any one time can be intriguing and challenging.
LESS THREATENING - many people prefer to be "one of a crowd" and to speak when they are ready rather than have the whole focus on them.
SUPPORT AND ACCOUNTABILITY - this is greater than what we'd get from a coach alone and can be enormously effective. There are a whole set of people to report to.
OPPORTUNITY TO CONTRIBUTE - A bye product of being part of a group is that group members have the chance to help others.
REALISATION THAT WE ARE NOT ALONE - this also can be powerful as we listen to other people's struggle with change. We may well hear our own story voiced by others.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT - when successes (or challenges) are experienced, the group will acknowledge this.
SENSE OF BELONGING - we thrive on belonging to a group or community which is so often missed in today's isolated society.
PLACE TO CELEBRATE SUCCESS - a bigger cheer when we achieve a goal.
CHANCE TO LEARN BOUNDARIES - a lot of learning takes place in a group as we learn respect for others and a good coach will help the group define appropriate boundaries which so often are crossed in our lives.

Have I convinced you? Great - because I am becoming more convinced as time passes that we have a huge opportunity not only to help our clients but to create a community. We have all heard of the concept of a "tribe" - a large group of avid supporters and followers (of our business, our ideas, our industry). Hugh McKay points out that whereas our identity is often group based, it is actually the small groups ("herds") who have the power to create change and a herd would be a group of about 8-10 people. Just the right size for group coaching! Being part of such a small group can "nurture our confidence and self respect". I would say our coaching programs have the potential to foster and encourage big changes in both the individuals and community that they belong to. Which is why I am strongly supporting all coaches to think about setting up a program that brings people together, is more affordable and incredibly rewarding to facilitate.

2011-01-24T16:27:00.002+11:00

WHY WE NEED TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY
I have written a lot on the topic of motivation in recent newsletters - which is essential to our understanding of human behaviour, both as coaches and as individuals who may be striving for a change in lifestyle habits and a way of being in the world. but finding it difficult to stop being "tripped up". Just when I think I have read all the current literature on the topic, I find yet another great publication, this one by Hugh MacKay, the prolific Australia sociologist who throws another curve ball at us. MacKay, in his book "What makes us tick" describes ten desires that drive us to do with we do. There is a lot of overlap between Mackay, Daniel Pink and the Heath brothers in their analysis of the deep motivators in our lives but I really like "What make us tick" as it makes the distinction between what we need and what we want. It is the latter that makes us choose how we live and ultimately how society operates. These drivers are not about survival, they are about choices.

THE DESIRE TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY
This is the first of the ten but it deserves special consideration as it is so important and so often overlooked. When I read this first chapter I could relate it to so many situations where sometimes dysfunctional behaviour arises from the burning desire to "count", to be acknowledged, identified, appreciated, remembered. It also made me think of how this unmet desire can adversely affect relationships with each other, at home and at work and how a better understanding of this can lead to a better understanding of each other.

Key points:

• Although we like to fit in and take part in many similar activities and behaviours, we yearn to be "known for the ways in which we differ from each other". This is the main reason why whe racism and sexism for example, when aimed at us, cause us such grief. We do not want to be marginalised, minimalised or lumped in a bunch!

• People need to maintain their own identity even when part of a group, partnership, team or other collective entity.

• Teenagers struggle with not being taken seriously more than other age groups.

• Some people are hungrier for recognition than others due to past trauma, neglect or disappointment and will seek it out much more actively and be wounded when they don't get it.

• Self obsession, arrogance and narcissism are all perversions of our need for recognition.

• Although hardship and the occasional put down can spur us on to regain our self respect and succeed, in many cases people will seek respect in a number of ways ranging from success in sport, finance, comedy or even by committing some of the worst crimes imaginable.

• People who have been put down a lot in life will tend to do the same to others, as if paying back the injustice they have experienced.

• Minority groups thrive on persecution simply because they are being noticed!

• The best form of recognition does not come from praise or rewards.

What is the most effective way to take someone seriously?

TO LISTEN TO THEM! As always, many of these observations of human nature back up the reason why coaching works. To listen to someone is to give them the greatest gift of all and it is not a natural skill. Whether it is through counselling or coaching, many people will get the greatest benefit because someone was committed to listen to their story and to accept them for who they Are.

This reminds me why I love working in the area of coaching and also backs up the need for these communication skills to be taught in all areas of life - schools, corporations, families, friendships - pretty much anywhere we have contact with others. Could your life improve with more exposure to this skill set?

COACHING LIGHTS UP THE BRAIN

2011-01-17T15:37:00.002+11:00

Coaching is being used widely to promote learning and growth. In health and wellness, we know that our clients are more likely to achieve lasting changes in lifestyle behaviours, In the corporate world, coaching can improve the smooth running of the organisation, produce higher productivity and potentially more profit. In schools, better learning and student performance have been seen and in the medical world, Doctors nurses and other healthcare professionals are “connecting” more with their patients. We know that coaching works, we also know that a lot is done in the name of coaching that isn’t necessarily following the key principles of the coaching model.

After listening to Richard Boyatzis speak late last year at a conference, I recently read a report on his research which provides hard evidence of the effects of coaching on a person’s brain, by using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI). I felt excited enough to pass this on as we often struggle to explain and justify why coaching is a better approach.

To create any change, it is essential for a person to be able to imagine possibilities. How could things be different? Often the first question we ask is, “How would you like things to be?” Depending on what has gone before, or how resistant a person is to change, this question can produce widely differing results.

“Coaching with compassion” is a term coined by the researchers, Richard Boyatzis and Anthony Jack which emphasizes focusing on the individual’s own goals, rather than following the coaches' agenda. Their research is aimed at showing how coaching, (in its purest sense) can open up the coached person’s brain to “consider possibilities” and hence, increase learning, rather than to become defensive and close down. This will often happen in a typical performance review when the individual is asked to focus on their deficiencies and weaknesses.

By seeking to arouse a “positive Emotional Attractor” a coach can help create positive emotions and the consideration of change. If the coach tries to “fix” the problem or emphasizes flaws or other shortcomings, the opposite will happen the Negative Emotional Attractor will be activated., diminishing the possibility of change or learning.

The experiments involved groups of students who were coached by two people using very different styles. One coach asked questions which focused on envisaging a positive future and the other focused on “a person’s failing and what they ought to do”. The brain scanner was used a week later when the students were shown a video of the coach they had seen the previous week. Sure enough, 7 days later, the students who interacted with the more “compassionate” coach had more positive brain activity – what they refer to as “visioning” – ie contemplating possibilities then those who had worked with a more negatively focused “coach”. (Not a coach as far as I’m concerned!) The other interesting fact was that even when neutral questions were asked, the initial interaction still affected the students’ responses. Which shows that by simply talking to a person about their desired, personal vision for 30 minutes, that interpersonal relationship will produce a positive response when the person chats to the coach about even neutral topics.

HOW CAN WE SIMPLIFY THESE FINDINGS?
Whatever position you hold, when you interact with a client, an employee, a team member, with the view of helping them improve some area of their life or work, if you focus on deficiencies, shortcomings or failings, or approach them with your solution, you will shut down their ability to even imagine a change, let alone create one! However, if we engage with them in a positive, facilitative manner that helps them envisage a more positive future, their brain will switch on in a completely different way and the likelihood of their moving forward is so much greater.

What better evidence to support a shift to a coaching approach and the need to train more people in coaching skills?

2010-12-09T17:21:00.011+11:00

WHAT DO WE NEED FROM OUR FRIENDS?
It's the time of year again when we try and get creative with our gifts. We hear "Give the gift of good health" constantly and less rarely, "Give the gift of friendship". Now you may wonder what this has to do with wellness coaching and why would I choose to write about relationships that are essentially personal, not professional. The thing is, the more I work in this arena, the more I realise how much we have to learn from the coaching model that will help us in our lives on a daily basis.

You see I often watch and hear conversations between people. Not because I'm a nosey parker but because I am interested in the rhythm of conversation and the sense of emotional connection between others. We shouldn't have to work hard with our friends should we? But we do.

For some reason many of us think it is our duty to help our friends. Not in the support sense (although we'd say we are supporting them), but with this thing called advice. It is as if by nature of our relationship that we think we owe them the benefit of our opinion regarding decisions they have to make. And I question the value of this. There may be times when they are embarking on a path that we see as being clearly foolhardy, however, jumping in and telling them they are wrong, crazy or just plain stupid wouldn't be the best course of action. Would it? Yet we send this message so very often. We may not use those words and conceal them with phrases like, "If I were you.... I"d... " We might as well add, "Because I know best!" I have frequently heard people say, "I had to counsel "Jane" last night over her relationship issues. The tone of voice implies that they had to "put Jane straight" last night with their better judgment. You see where I am going?

What gives us the right to assume that we know best when it comes to our friends? How can we possibly know what is going on in their heads and hearts that makes us the expert on what they "should" do? I'm not suggesting for a minute that our support isn't needed but I think we should deliver it wisely. Perhaps we could consider the following:

PROVIDE INFORMATION NOT ADVICE - my catch cry of the month. If you do have knowledge that may be useful to your friend, let them have it but make it information that they can choose to use however they wish.

ASK QUESTIONS TO INCREASE THEIR SELF AWARENESS - by that I don't mean "Did you know that John is a bad choice of guy for you?". Perhaps a gentler, "Have you considered whether John meets all of your needs in a relationship?"

BE SUPPORTIVE BUT DON'T THINK YOU HAVE TO PROVIDE THE ANSWER - your friend is quite capable of coming up with the answer even if they are saying, "I don't know what to do!" Your best response would be, "Yes, but you'll work it out for the best."

BE THEIR BIGGEST FAN - your friend will love to hear that you have faith in their ability to work through their challenges. Let them hear where you think their strengths lie. Do this sincerely and that is a real gift of friendship.

BRAINSTORM - if you want to roll up your sleeves and help in a more collaborative way, help them work through all their options. Sure you can throw in a few of your own but make sure most come from your friend and yours present a few different choices.

BE A SOUNDING BOARD - Listen to their troubles and reflect what they are saying without interpreting, advising, educating, counselling, one-upping, shutting them down, interrogating or correcting. Try and let them know you have heard what they are feeling as much as the details.

WHY THIS CHANGE IN APPROACH?
Because ultimately people want to be self-determining. Being told what to do is disempowering and when we are close to them, it can be a form of emotional blackmail. At least when a paid professional tells us what to do and we don't want to do that, we can walk away knowing that it won't cost them any sleep. Not with our friends! Imagine if we were to be able to completely wipe the smug saying, "I told you so!" How liberating.

Many of you will relate to this as you read. I know what I need from my friends and I hope I can deliver the same back. But it takes self control and great empathy and restraint at times. But it makes sense doesn't it? And our friends will love us more, not less and seek our company instead of avoiding our advice. And that's a gift in itself.
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COACHING IN LEADERSHIP AND MEDICINE

2010-11-02T17:36:00.007+11:00

I have recently returned from the long trip over to Boston to attend this conference and also to participate in a summit on the future of health and wellness coaching. see below! I was so very fortunate to be able to be there for these two events and I hardly know how to begin to report on what I saw, heard, experienced and learnt!

I had been to this conference two years earlier and knew I was in for a treat with some of the big name speakers. What I hadn't expected was how similar their messages were to what I truly believe is the direction we are heading. Wellness and Executive coaching are quite different disciplines, or so I thought. One is about changing behaviour and the other is usually about improving performance. Life coaching seems to float somewhere in the middle on elevated ground perhaps, or perhaps not, depending on who is delivering and what training they have had.

In the two days of the conference these coaching modalities merged to become one and the message was simply, help people create a better life for themselves.
Sir John Whitmore brought sporting analogies into his presentation with humour and truth which illustrated how ludicrous the expert approach was compared to the more effective coaching approach. And Sir John is now heavily involved in coaching in education and organisation. His message was simple. Coaches have two functions - a) to increase awareness and b) to generate self responsibility in their clients. I love it.

Talks on leadership and "Coaching with compassion", blended with sessions showing how theory from family systems therapy can be used in the individual's change. My favourite area of study, motivation, came straight from the horse's mouth when I listened in awe to one of my heros, Edward Deci, recount his enormous depth of research that we have all been studying at Uni for 30 years or more. I have been greatly influenced by Daniel Pink's recent publications and yet here was this highly respected, far from new expert talking about our three basics needs of a) competence, b) autonomy and d) sense of relatedness to others. A variation on the theme but grounded in evidence based research.

We heard (and saw cold hard facts) on how the brain reacts when stress causes the sympathetic nervous system to kick in - and destroy brain cells.. And how when our parasympathetic nervous system is activated (by yes, caring for others and aroused compassion) we grow new brain cells! so the coach gets the benefit too!
Coaching with compassion is just so much better than coaching for compliance.
Barbara Fredrickson rose to lofty heights in my estimation when she presented her research on how positive emotions could transform our very existence and all we had to do was put a plan in place and choose to experience them. Keegan spoke on how we actually build an immunity to change to protect ourselves and how insight can alter these patterns of stagnation and behaviours that do not serve us well. These were just a few but they all blended into one simple message. Coaching is the way of the future and the means to allow people to experience these "better lives". You may wonder how this assortment of information could relate to health and wellness coaching. Every word has relevance, significance and meaning to what I hope to take to coaching and to training coaches. I was in very good company. The mix of psychology, health, medicine, wellness and leadership was perfect and I came home clearer, more grounded and convinced that I am one of the luckiest people in the world to be doing what I do.

THE SUMMIT
How could anything top the experience of the conference? but it did. One and a half days in the company of the key players in health and wellness coaching in the US was a little daunting but I wouldn't have missed it for the world. The aim was to come up with a consensus of thoughts on the way forward and despite the seemingly different needs and views of the attendees, that's what we did. I was moved to write a description of what went on when flying home and this will give a blurry picture of what followed but it says so much for the process that was used; that of appreciative enquiry.
We left with the blueprint of a plan that will be taken to the white house to convince them that money should be allocated to this area and that the people involved were working together to help change the healthcare system and ultimately the health of the nation.

POSITIVITY - A NEW SCIENCE

2010-10-21T07:24:00.005+11:00

One of the many topics covered in the recent Coaching in Leadership and Medicine conference I attended in Boston was that of "Positivity". Now like many people, I used to view the fluffy attitude of thinking positively as being rather non descript and very closely linked with new age pop psychology and not terribly grounded in research. Now I know I am wrong. After listening to Barbara Fredrickson speak for two hours and then reading her book called, yes, "Positivity" I have a completely different view of the value of creating positve emotions in ourselves, our client, our co-workers or any team that we are part of and have influence over! I'll let you read it for youself but in summary:

Extensive research shows:

* Positivity doesn't simply reflect success and health, it can produce success and health.
* Positivity broadens and builds (broadens our ideas about possible actions and builds new skills, new ties and new ways of being).
* How much is enough? 3 to 1 positive to negative emotions is the ideal ratio. Not 3-0. Negative emotions are part of life and help us deal with sadness, injustice, loss or other challenging situations.
* Positivity has to be "heartfelt" or it doesn't count!
* Your thoughts can create positivity. "What's working well for me right now?"

The research showed improvements in the following areas when participants were put in a positive state before experimenting:

* Creativity increases
* Scope of attention increases
* Positivity has an upward spiral effect
* Relationships improve due to the change from "me" to "we" view.
* Positive emotions eliminated racial biais in recognition experiment (you have to read this experiment to truly appreciate the impact it could have!)
* And this one I love - people in diverse groups are inspired by positivity to set aside divisive group identities.

I experienced this latter fact in the summit that followed the conference where 68 very different people came together to discuss and agree upon the future of health and wellness coaching. Read my refelctions below which I was moved to write after experiencing a process of appreciative inquiry which created a huge change in the group and helped produce unexpected outcomes.

"We went into the retreat as a group of individuals wearing our positions, experiences, our qualifications and knowledge as a cloak. Some people’s cloaks were bigger, better and more brightly colored than others. We shared on e thing – a desire to have an agenda met.

We left having discarded our cloaks, holding the structure of a plan which had turned all our individual agendas into a collective dream that could be realized.

Along the way we transformed by letting go of fear, by getting in touch with our strengths and by having blinkers removed that allowed us to see others’ strengths. We became the best of who we were and in this state everyone flourished. Fear, suspicion and competition were replaced by warmth, affection, humour and appreciation. Energy became contagious so that each person was engaged and inspired to offer their best.

How did this happen? By the process of appreciative inquiry, negativity was knocked on the head. Instead we agreed to take off our cloaks and appear vulnerable to each other. From this new place we saw who we really were and recognized commonalities not differences. It was a shining example of how a simple process can harness all that’s good in the world and infuse each individual with hope, love and excitement.

A truly awesome experience."

The ten identified positive emotions in Fredrickson's work are precise - joy, gratitude, serenity, interest, hope, pride, amusement, inspiration, awe, and love. Get to know each one personally. Your work and personal life could change. The conference I attended brought home to me how my work in wellnesss coaching is so parallel and appropriate for use in the corporate world. The very fact that the conference was focused on "Coaching in Leadership and Medicine" backs this up. It really was an amazing event and the speakers each brought the same message. We need a new approach to make a better world.

No need for Wellness Coaches in Bali

2010-09-16T08:42:00.003+10:00

We learn so much from travel. From stepping out of our culture and being part of another one, even if temporarily. This is why we are drawn to travelling to different countries. We often come home with a slightly new slant on our lives. I am at the end of my second trip to Bali in as many years and last year was moved to write a blog on the way the traffic worked! Here I am again, struck by the uniqueness of the system in this crowded little centre surrounding the major tourist spots, but this time I see that the traffic becomes a symbol of something bigger than that and this is part of why I love this place and its people.

I’ve noticed that there are some unwritten rules in Bali as far as traffic is concerned. The aim of everyone on the road is one thing only – “to keep the traffic moving”. Now at home the main aim is usually “to get there first and in front of as many people as possible”. And this promotes road rage and high stress levels and does nothing for relationships. We use our traffic situation as a way of expressing any pent up anger we have about our lives in general but it also is a way of expressing our strong cultural values about success, about winning, about beating others. It’s not like that here. When you have families travelling on one bike (I mean, parent, three kids and the dog), people around are not interested in racing round them. There is a respect for others that is refreshing amidst the pollution, dirt and heat. When the lights change, traffic from two directions merges into one lane, which in Australia would cause chaos and numerous accidents. Not here. One day we observed a rather wild looking young man riding a bike all over the road with a video camera on his helmet. He looked at us, recognizing fellow Aussies and yelled, “this is insaaaannnnee!” whilst weaving in and out and putting people around him at risk. The funny thing was that he was the one who looked insane. The locals carried on in their organized way, with the silent unspoken hum of “keep the traffic moving”. I love it.

I also love the way the people accept things for what they are. We were served by so many delightful smiling faces who not only wanted to get to know us, but wanted us to “come back and stay here”, as if the big resort they were working in was their home. They are sad about the loss of the rice paddies, the simplicity and frequency of their ceremonies which has been eroded by the growth of tourism in certain areas, yet they still serve and showing affection for the people who are responsible – the tourists. Yes, we know that we pay the bills and bring a better (?) quality of life to many, but does that really qualify for that extra pat on the arm or hand holding by a lowly paid masseuse on the beach? I think not. You see they really do love people and seem to approach life with a natural positivity that assumes people are to be liked unless they prove otherwise.

So many of our problems in western society come from our fears of a) not being seen to be as good as everyone else and b) not being loved enough. A very simple view but I think with some truth. If we could take away those two fears imagine how much easier our lives would be. How could it affect our stress levels, our relationship with food and alcohol, our judgment of ourselves and others and consequently our lifestyle behaviours? I’d be out of a job that’s for sure. I don’t think I would get work in Bali but boy I’d like to spend more time here because it’s good for the soul.

Knowing what we do and why we do it

2010-08-12T17:17:00.006+10:00

I've really had the concept of "awareness" put in front of me in recent weeks and it has got me thinking about the role it plays in our behaviour. The popular technique of encouraging clients to record what they are eating, doing, or even thinking is very valuable in both personal training, weight loss, wellness coaching and self help models. After all, if we don't know what we're doing, how can we go about making the changes we wish to make? I have often questioned whether becoming aware is enough to move us forward but generally agree that it is the first step. I really enjoy working with people on the next step which is working out why we do, think, (or eat) certain things! Coaching can unlock some pretty significant realisations about our patterns and the payback we get for making certain choices. But we do need that first step and time can get in the way of our recording each and every thought and action in our day.

A TOOL TO MAKE THIS EASIER?

I have recently had the interesting experiences of being exposed to a tool that caught my interest among the many products that cross my desk and I decided that I would trial a sensor armband that apparently could pick up how much exercise or even movement I was performing in the course of a day! It would record how may calories I was burning based on skin temperature and even what length and quality of sleep I was getting. Now that interests me. LIke many people, I spend a lot of time doing what I am doing now - using a computer - being sedentary, whereas in a former life I might have been moving around a Health Club, making sure that things were running smoothly and talking to people. A lot more incidental activity. Although I am a regular and at times, vigorous exerciser, I was intrigued to find out what went on during the rest of the day. And what would be the difference between say running a workshop on my feet, and a day in the office? Was I really sleeping for all those hours I lay in bed.

FACING THE TRUTH

Then there was the really confronting part. I had to log my food if I wanted to get a totally accurate measure of whether I was in calorie deficit or excess. Now that was more difficult. It took not only effort and organisation on my part but strangely enough, some real willpower to actually record those occasional high fat, high sugar impulses, or that extra glass of wine. There I was - my own client and I started to understand that awareness can sometimes be a little more difficult than we'd imagine!

THE REASONS BEHIND IT ALL

As I reluctantly entered my erratic eating habits which I had previously believed to be well balanced and on the whole, pretty good, I really was facing the realisation of why I was eating that way. No one had to ask me "why"? I knew that it was often lack of planning, tiredness and poor prioritisation. Bingo. Enter the wellness coach who could help me create a better routine in my head, if not my body! There was relief in knowing that we do have a role to play in supporting our clients in their desire to change. The exercise has given me a greater understanding of just how valuable the initial part of creating awareness is in the success of any change plan. Knowing what we are doing has to be the first vital step before we ponder on why we do it and how we are going to make the first change. And then, before we begin, take time out to work out what will motivate us to stay true to our commitment. How will our life change for the better if we make these changes? This experience was a real reminder for me not to assume that we know ourselves and our behaviour as well as we think we do!

(The sensor armband is not yet available in Australia but will be in coming months. See my earlier blog or email for contact details.)

Big Brother on my arm

2010-07-27T10:00:00.015+10:00

I am temporarily (permanently) attached to a device that sits on the back of my arm and is attempting to measure my metabolism – as in desired information being calories consumed (recorded by me and testing my honesty) and calories expanded, measured by the device! Bodymedia fit make this device called a sensor armband. I am trialling this device as I see value in the information for coaches or trainers who are helping people make lifestyle changes. This is being a very interesting experience for me on many counts:

It is making me become very aware of what I consume, how I consume it and what influences my choices.
It has added yet another task to my day on the computer which I resist madly.
I am now really thinking about how much movement is in my life, intentional or planned.

So what have I learnt so far?

I’m pretty active, especially since my work involves a lot of (as noted) computer work!
I can’t sit still for very long – will find an excuse to move from my office.
I often eat without thinking and my choices get worse when not planned ahead.
Which then makes me realize that I am often “reactive” – to hunger, fatique, convenience, whereas I would prefer to be responsive to my brain and my body at least in choosing what I eat.
I sleep more than I thought - despite waking several times a night I still average about 7 hours. Yay. I love sleep and am not very good without it.

If I can learn from this device, imagine what people who really do want to lose weight can learn from their movement, eating and sleep patterns! To me it seems like a very useful tool in the change process. Step number one - First establish what you do!

More later in the week when I tell you how it responds to my rather varied exercise pattern and my thoughts on whether knowing the “what” is enough to prompt action.

The Rider and the Elephant - a model for change

2010-07-16T13:28:00.003+10:00

How many times do we start a new project or make a resolution to change our daily routine to include some healthier habits and very soon relapse back to the old way of doing things? The trouble is that nearly all of our behaviours (about 90%) is made up of habits. And changing habits takes hard work. When we coach people around improving their 'wellness' we break it down into parts of a workable model that has been shown to be effective. We need a vision, we need to identify obstacles, it helps to recognise what strengths we can bring to the process and of course we need a plan. This is easy to understand but I am always excited when I read of new ways of explaining this to people - when I find a more colourful analogy that might just capture people's interest who have grown discouraged by multiple failed attempts to 'make change stick'.

Ted and Dan Heath, in their book 'Switch' do just this. They have broken down the change process into simple concepts that are easy to picture in our minds, which in turn makes it easy to apply them. They talk about the process of change being likened to a 'Rider and a Elephant' and how the rider who sits on top of the mighty beast is akin to our cognitive reasoning, or mental decision to make a change. We know it's the right thing to do. We understand the benefit of adopting these new lifestyle behaviours. Our rider thinks he is in charge. However, he is really trying to control a mighty beast, the elephant, which is representative of our will or emotions. The rider sits on top making decisions about where to go and attempts to steer elephant below, but he has limited control due to the size of the animal. Unless the elephant is also committed to going in a certain direction, he will blunder forcefully ahead on another path and the rider is simply carried along, despite knowing where he would like to go.

This great analogy supports an important principle of coaching - we need to engage the head and the heart - the rider and the elephant. If we think of the rider being the director of our will-power - our strength to be disciplined, and our ability to resist the easy option, we can then see that his strength is limited. If the rider is constantly fighting the elephant, he will soon tire. Unless we have our elephant on side, who will help carry us along the desired path? In short, we need to engage our emotions in the change process. This applies to someone wanting to lose weight or to get fitter in exactly the same way as it would to adopting a new organisational policy (or a corporate health program). Unless the rider is directed and the elephant engaged, the change won't stick.

So when we are planning our strategy for change, if there are obstacles to overcome or difficulty in effecting the change, we need to ensure that emotions are heavily involved. In the wellness coaching model, we talk about needing to have a 'heart felt reason to change'. Same concept.

We can take this further. Once the rider has decided which path to take and the elephant is on side, we can make their journey easier by shaping the path ahead - by removing big obstacles that could get in the way and making environmental change that helps progress. Take the high fat food out of the fridge. Make the forms easier to complete! There are few change processes where this wouldn't apply.

If we layer coaching on top of this model, we provide another missing ingredient. Confidence. In the last issue you would have read about the importance of consistency. The step by step approach. This allows people to achieve small successes which in turn promote confidence. A good coach can help increase a client's confidence. Without a confident rider our elephant just blunders in the wrong direction! So in summary:

It's the elephant not the rider who is in charge with his six tonnes of weight
Self-control (or willpower) that the rider is responsible for, is a limited resource so should be conserved. If we use it in one situation it may not be available in another
It is always smarter to plan in advance and shape the environment to make the elephant's path smoother
We need to find the feeling, not the intellectual reason for change - something that makes us care
Instead of raising the bar, we should put it on the ground to make achieving small steps to success easier

We can learn a lot from what has been written on the subject of motivation. We just need to apply it to our world. There's nothing new about what it takes to make change stick, we just need to increase our understanding of what influences our success.

Worrying - a useful process or a much-maligned habit?

2010-03-23T09:34:00.002+11:00

What is worrying all about?
The very word 'worry' makes many of us worried. We know we have the tendency to do too much of it and we have a guilty assumption that is a waste of time, at best, and a destructive, confidence-killing habit at best.

What is worry?
Worrying is what we do when we turn things over in our minds and explore different outcomes to situations - we usually fixate on the negative outcome rather than the positive outcome - otherwise it would no longer be worrying. We then imagine what else (bad) could happen if that negative outcome were to occur. It's a way of exploring and anticipating what could go wrong and in a way can help us mentally prepare for the worst! The words, 'but what if...?' are frequently in Worry Time.

The main reason for worrying receiving such bad press is the belief that it doesn't change a situation and only stops us sleeping or doing something more productive with our lives.

But can worrying be productive?
If you revisit the statement above that contains the word 'explore', we start to see worry in a different light. Imagine if we were never to worry and managed to block all slightly distressing thoughts from our minds. When unfavourable events happened (as they do form time to time) we would be ill-prepared to deal with them. So perhaps we need to refine our worry so that it becomes something of value to us. Perhaps a lesson in worrying constructively might be of use?

Sports psychologist Dr. David Krauss believes that daily practice in worrying is advisable. He encourages his top athletes to worry 'on their terms' rather than being the victim of anxiety. In his book, 'Mastering the Inner Game' he suggests setting time aside each day to worry. Do the job, tick the box and get on with the rest of your day.

So how do we worry constructively?
First, identify the main issue or issues that are causing concern. Sometimes we think we are worrying about one thing but it hides something bigger. If we can identify the value underneath the area of worry, it will help us focus on what the emotions it's producing - usually anxiety - and we can give it our full attention. So let's say we worry about not meeting a deadline. The real fear behind this could be the realization that our motivation to complete the task is not that strong, which could mean that we don't enjoy our job. And if we face up to that fact, it might then necessitate some greater, scarier decisions.

Worry is associated with anxiety. By recognising anxiety and sitting with it for a while, we avoid blocking the fear with worry. Worry is generic, dull feeling and hard to put aside.

Tools we can use:
When we have identified the real fear we cna then test its validity. For example;

I am afraid I am going to lose my job?
What will happen if I lose my job?
What would that open up for me? What would I need to do?
Is there anything I can do now to either a) prevent losing my job or b) prepare myself for the next action required if I do?

Worry sometimes goes hand in hand with indecision and procrastination

If you find yourself in that uncomfortable place, try coming up with the age-old list of pros and cons. In coaching we call it a Decisional Balance as it provides a list that highlights the negatives and positives of taking a certain action. When they are written down, they are often easier to evaluate and assess. And guess what? When they're on paper, they are usually not scurrying around our head in a scrambled (worrying) fashion. This is a great way of problem solving but worrying is a bit different. We often worry about things that we have no control over at all. That is a waste of time unless it produces actions that we can take that will improve the situation.

In our daily worry time we can aim to have an action plan that concentrates on things we can do that will reduce the anxiety. So change your thinking. Instead of worrying about how much you are worrying, make your worry work for you!

A new take on what drives us

2010-03-19T14:32:00.004+11:00

We read a lot of books and information these days - there is so much out there that it's hard not to collapse under a pile of facts, research and interesting commentary! But now and again, we read something that really makes us think.

The interest in 'motivation' has been constant but the real research started 40-50 years ago. Of course who wouldn't want to know, 'Why do people do what they do?'. With Wellness Coaching Australia, I work in the corporate sector and also in the fitness industry and the question of what motivates people is of paramount importance but for slightly different reasons. In the corporate world, more effectively and with greater satisfaction? In the health and fitness industries we want to know how we can help people find their motivation to change behaviours that are not working for them and adopt new behaviours that might work better?

Daniel Pink, in his latest book 'Drive' suggests that there are really only three things that motivate us (once our most basic needs for food, safety and shelter are met). These are:

1. Autonomy - the desire to direct our own lives
2. Mastery - the desire to continually improve at some thing that matters, and
3. Purpose - the desire to do things in service of something larger than ourselves

He also suggests that the traditional approach of the corporate world to use monetary incentives as a way of getting people to work harder can actually be detrimental to their performance. Not only will it not inspire people to strive for bigger goals, but it can destroy their enjoyment of the task and result in poorer performance!

In the health and fitness industry, are we right in assuming that the desire to look and feel better are the main motivators for people to make change in their habits? Perhaps not.

The interesting part of coaching is that we dig deeper to find the more complex and significant reasons why people want to change or move forward. When someone loses weight for example, and we ask what this was like for them, we will quickly hear comments such as 'life changing', 'I feel I have control over my life for the first time', 'I have a new purpose in my days and am about to change my career'. Losing weight can be transformational in more ways than a reflection in the mirror. Good coaches will help their clients tap into these possibilities, before they begin, to help create the motivation to stick to a plan.

And in the corporate world, with work becoming so much more creative and conceptual and the rise of the not-for-profit organizations, we really need to re-think the role that financial rewards play in undermining employees 'inner drive' to work because they enjoy it. There are better ways of encouraging your team to succeed.

This is not a new concept but Pink speaks out against the traditional view and advises his readers to go on a journey of discovery and throw out the 'carrot and stick' method of encouragement. This supports everything that the coaching model stands for which is about helping people take control of their lives, to strive for something that is important to them and to understand why it is important to them. Whether you are in the corporate world with a team of people who you lead to perform, or you are a trainer or club owner with the responsibility of delivering change programs that work you cannot afford to stick to an approach that is outdated but instead need to learn how to uncover people's inner motivation. The smarter operators are already re-thinking their system of 'encouragement'.

What does being WELL mean?

2010-02-16T09:33:00.001+11:00

Wellness has many dimensions. Physical 'wellness' is generally the first we think of. Suitable levels of fitness, body weight, muscle strength and flexibility, good nutrition, sleep and postural wellness are all important in living 'well'. But let's not forget mental 'wellness'. The ability to handle stress, control negative thinking and recognise and understand our emotions are very important if you wish to live a productive and satisfying life. And then we have relationship 'wellness' which takes into account our need for meaningful and lasting connections with others and the ability to communicate with people in all areas of our lives - at home, at work, in friendships and the people we come in contact with on a daily basis. Let's not forget organizational 'wellness' where mentoring and coaching programs can improve the culture and attitude of the people who spend a large proportion of their life at work.

Last week I had the privilege of spending three days with the team of lecturers from RMIT who I will be joining in teaching the Masters of Wellness program this year. I listened with interest to them describe their course content and had a chance to reflect on where wellness coaching fitted in. Ranging from positive psychology to permaculture, food science to wellness assessment, intuitive healing, eastern anatomy and yoga to mention a few, it really brought home to me the depth of the concept of wellenss. When I am asked my work, I explain that I coach people to help them achieve 'optimal mental and physical health' which gives me some boundaries to operate around. But the reality is that wellness pervades every area of our personal and professional life so the boundaries are imaginary. When we consider community wellness and global wellness, we start to realise just where this area of learning can stretch to.

So where do we as wellness coaches draw the line and do we need to draw the line?

I have noticed over the years that when a person desires change in one area of their life, such as let's say 'increased fitness' or 'weight loss', and they write a vision around what they want in this area, it often expands to include other changes that they hadn't previously thought of. It's as if the question 'why do I want to be lighter?' stirs up the motivation to improve other areas such as professional satisfaction or improvements in relationships. It may be simply to have a less 'cluttered' existence. This is what makes wellness coaching endlessly fascinating and rewarding.

The Trust Economy

2010-01-19T11:25:00.001+11:00

Developments in cyber space have created a refreshing phenomenon in business. We now have a world where people pay without seeing goods, rely on the word of others, share intellectual property knowing that this is the best way of building goodwill and getting their message out there. It's known as the 'Trust Economy'. The internet has done this. We use it for everything. As we become more reliant on laptops, we feel more comfortable communicating online rather than face to face. We would rather make an email enquiry than speak to a person who can answer any questions that may come up. And the younger age groups will share their lives with thousands, sometimes creating an exaggerated image of a life on social networking sites.

Face to Face Relationships
Where does this leave the traditional way of relating to others, or even to ourselves? Wouldn't it be wonderful if this new trusting approach applied to our lives offline. Maybe we could learn to trust ourselves more - listen to our own intuition instead of old irrational fears that have been bred into us by others or past experience. If we could learn to invest in ourselves in the belief that we have what it takes to succeed and to share our fears and dreams honestly with those close to us. Perhaps we could learn to ask for help more instead of wrestling with the growing isolation of depression in our communities.

Coaching as a way of communicating
The wonderful thing about being coached or coaching others is that this starts to happen immediately. It is impossible to enter into a coaching relationship that works without laying everything on the line. When we confront the barriers that get in the way of what we want, we are revealing something of ourselves often on a deep level. By shining the light on fears and recognizing that they have no real basis, we can move to a stronger operating platform. As a coach, we cannot work with clients without learning something about ourselves in each and every session.

So whether you want to achieve something different in your life or if you work with others and want to learn a more effective way of helping them - seek out a good coach, pick up a good coaching guide or take part in a workshop with others who share the same passion. Be part of a growing movement that can change the way we relate to the world, online and offline.

Communicating in other cultures

2009-09-16T11:42:00.001+10:00

When you work in the field of communication and travel overseas where you don’t speak the language, it can be quite confronting to face the fact that what you know about communicating in our own culture doesn’t work any more and you have to begin to find a “system” that will send (and receive) appropriate messages. Actually, let me rephrase that – it’s not essential to make a change, but if you want to make your time there enjoyable and be seen as the person you are and have interactions that are fun, effective and rewarding, then change you must. 10 days in Bali put me to the test. I kept thinking in French which wasn’t a lot of use and my Indonesian amounted to one word – terimakasih, or thank you. Not a bad start. In fact that one word in any country goes a long way to gaining you acceptance, or a least toleration! And if you combine it with a head bob, hands in prayer and big smile, you are way ahead of the rest of the tourist gang. Why? Not because of your exceptional talent for language, but because you made the effort to fit in in a place where you are the alien.

The first day as a passenger on a motorbike was another lesson in cultural specific communication. Riding vespas in Sydney gave us no advantage or warning of what was to come. Narrow, crowded roads with open drains on the side, full of scores of bike riders carrying unimaginable loads weaving their way past trucks, buses, cars, taxis, pedestrians and rabid looking dogs where NO RULES APPLIED was my first impression. How do you safely pass a man on a bike carrying a ladder with his head through the rungs, or a couple on a 125cc scooter with two surf boards and two Labrador-sized dogs? Answer, with care and courtesy. It took me a while to realise that the only rule that applied was to accept that there were no rules other than one – everyone had to make that traffic flow and the only way to do that was to allow movement where it could happen. To do this (and to avoid your own death or injury or that of other people) took one big shift towards thinking of other people instead of focusing on ourselves.. Yes, there it was demonstrated in the most hectic place on earth – unselfishness and cooperation at its best. I am sure there is more learning to come from this experience but the immediate one was that I saw no road rage, not even an unnecessarily beeping horn. No one became impatient. When the only route to get past was to ride on the pavement, instead of trying to cut that audacious person off and make them pay for getting there sooner, the general feeling was, “what a good idea” and to follow. Again, the notion of smiling and thanking worked wonders. There is something in that system that could teach many governments many lessons. And being part of that system allowed us to brave the busiest streets (complete with 10 foot surf board in the end) knowing that we were as safe as were in Sydney, if not safer! The Balinese have worked out that for their traffic system to work, they have to make it work themselves. How incredibly refreshing.

Constant harassment by people wanting to sell something became the next challenge, until we applied the same principles, Say a clear “No thank you” with a big smile and you got a smile back and usually no more chasing. We saw many tourists respond rudely with anger or impatience and saw the reaction of the hawkers. A bad feeling all around. At times, their persistence made me curious to see what would follow (or perhaps I just really wanted what they were selling) and I started to realise that these people had some of the most important principles of sales down pat. Create a relationship (get a name, find out where they’re from and how many kids they have). Create trust and empathy (share information of your own to relate to them, usually around the area of children as there was little else to go on). Appeal to emotion (new at the job, had a quiet day, worked for 12 hours – okay often guilt but it works. Close the sale and try and upsell – “how many you want?” How could we resist buying three when the price came down so much? I loved it.

There were lessons to be learnt in communication everywhere. The humility and grace of the people who served us, their ability to meet the sharpest comment or complaint with a smile, their love of getting to know more about their tourists and to please them (to the point where the menus included more western items than Idonesian) and their natural ability to create relationship was like balm to my soul. It just took a few days to recognise it. I am now home driving my car and my bike defensively and finding it much more stressful and tiring. I notice how rushed people are and how lacking in service skills we’ve become. Get me back to Bali.

Why are we so scared of living?

2009-06-03T17:49:00.000+10:00

RUNNING FROM OR RUNNING TO?
We’re reading every day about the spread of swine flu and its potential danger on the health of Australians and it’s pretty hard not to be a little concerned about what it all means. Will we all get sick? Will the sickness be worse than the normal flu? Will it mutate or become something potentially more dangerous? And then we sit and watch our Sunday night show and find that there are now genetic tests that can give us lots of information about what could potentially kill us. Those of us who are on the high end of the pessimism scale get a strange satisfaction that their worst fears are realized and we always knew life was going to be a struggle to stay alive. Difficult not to be affected by all this information and plan to live our lives in ways that will keep us hidden from these potential germs.
And then, the news the next day suggests that the answer could be for taxpayers to fund gastric band surgery to help the obesity crisis!

But hang on a second!! Aren’t we missing something here?
There is a common theme that runs through all the above news items. Life should be lived in avoidance of death. Whether it’s the fight to avoid illness, disease or death by excess fat, these are all very reactive strategies. They are the values by which a character I refer to as the “Survivor” lives by. Maybe we need a gentle reminder that if we perhaps choose to live our life in a healthy, self-aware and self-respecting manner, we might not have so much to worry about? Yes, swine flu might strike but just maybe we could also just get over it? Yes, there is a chance that some of us will get Alzheimer’s, but we might also meet our fate when crossing the road one day. Should we perhaps avoid close contact with cars?

The concept of striving for optimal health is not about avoiding death and injury, it’s more about seeking out the good life, the satisfying, challenging, rewarding moments of our days that make our lives worth living. If we live with fear, we will die from fear. Why not concentrate on encouraging people to move more, eat a well-balanced and nutritious diet, and take up lifestyle behaviours that will not only reduce their chance of early death in years to come but add pleasure to their every day.

I would rather see my tax dollars being used to subsidise any program that promotes optimal wellness as a way of being, and that includes public and private enterprise. Surgery, drugs, medical intervention are all necessary services at the right time. Can we focus on avoiding some of these in the first place. The day that programs promoting movement and behaviour change towards good health habits become tax deductible is the day we may have a chance of creating a healthy Australia. But then I am biased.