WHY WE NEED TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY
I have written a lot on the topic of motivation in recent newsletters - which is essential to our understanding of human behaviour, both as coaches and as individuals who may be striving for a change in lifestyle habits and a way of being in the world. but finding it difficult to stop being "tripped up". Just when I think I have read all the current literature on the topic, I find yet another great publication, this one by Hugh MacKay, the prolific Australia sociologist who throws another curve ball at us. MacKay, in his book "What makes us tick" describes ten desires that drive us to do with we do. There is a lot of overlap between Mackay, Daniel Pink and the Heath brothers in their analysis of the deep motivators in our lives but I really like "What make us tick" as it makes the distinction between what we need and what we want. It is the latter that makes us choose how we live and ultimately how society operates. These drivers are not about survival, they are about choices.

THE DESIRE TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY
This is the first of the ten but it deserves special consideration as it is so important and so often overlooked. When I read this first chapter I could relate it to so many situations where sometimes dysfunctional behaviour arises from the burning desire to "count", to be acknowledged, identified, appreciated, remembered. It also made me think of how this unmet desire can adversely affect relationships with each other, at home and at work and how a better understanding of this can lead to a better understanding of each other.

Key points:

• Although we like to fit in and take part in many similar activities and behaviours, we yearn to be "known for the ways in which we differ from each other". This is the main reason why whe racism and sexism for example, when aimed at us, cause us such grief. We do not want to be marginalised, minimalised or lumped in a bunch!

• People need to maintain their own identity even when part of a group, partnership, team or other collective entity.

• Teenagers struggle with not being taken seriously more than other age groups.

• Some people are hungrier for recognition than others due to past trauma, neglect or disappointment and will seek it out much more actively and be wounded when they don't get it.

• Self obsession, arrogance and narcissism are all perversions of our need for recognition.

• Although hardship and the occasional put down can spur us on to regain our self respect and succeed, in many cases people will seek respect in a number of ways ranging from success in sport, finance, comedy or even by committing some of the worst crimes imaginable.

• People who have been put down a lot in life will tend to do the same to others, as if paying back the injustice they have experienced.

• Minority groups thrive on persecution simply because they are being noticed!

• The best form of recognition does not come from praise or rewards.

What is the most effective way to take someone seriously?

TO LISTEN TO THEM! As always, many of these observations of human nature back up the reason why coaching works. To listen to someone is to give them the greatest gift of all and it is not a natural skill. Whether it is through counselling or coaching, many people will get the greatest benefit because someone was committed to listen to their story and to accept them for who they Are.

This reminds me why I love working in the area of coaching and also backs up the need for these communication skills to be taught in all areas of life - schools, corporations, families, friendships - pretty much anywhere we have contact with others. Could your life improve with more exposure to this skill set?

COACHING LIGHTS UP THE BRAIN

Coaching is being used widely to promote learning and growth. In health and wellness, we know that our clients are more likely to achieve lasting changes in lifestyle behaviours, In the corporate world, coaching can improve the smooth running of the organisation, produce higher productivity and potentially more profit. In schools, better learning and student performance have been seen and in the medical world, Doctors nurses and other healthcare professionals are “connecting” more with their patients. We know that coaching works, we also know that a lot is done in the name of coaching that isn’t necessarily following the key principles of the coaching model.

After listening to Richard Boyatzis speak late last year at a conference, I recently read a report on his research which provides hard evidence of the effects of coaching on a person’s brain, by using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI).  I felt excited enough to pass this on as we often struggle to explain and justify why coaching is a better approach.

To create any change, it is essential for a person to be able to imagine possibilities. How could things be different? Often the first question we ask is, “How would you like things to be?”  Depending on what has gone before, or how resistant a person is to change, this question can produce widely differing results.

“Coaching with compassion” is a term coined by the researchers, Richard Boyatzis and Anthony Jack which emphasizes focusing on the individual’s own goals, rather than following the coaches' agenda.  Their research is aimed at showing how coaching, (in its purest sense) can open up the coached person’s brain to “consider possibilities” and hence, increase learning, rather than to become defensive and close down. This will often happen in a typical performance review when the individual is asked to focus on their deficiencies and weaknesses.

By seeking to arouse a “positive Emotional Attractor” a coach can help create positive emotions and the consideration of change. If the coach tries to “fix” the problem or emphasizes flaws or other shortcomings, the opposite will happen the Negative Emotional Attractor will be activated., diminishing the possibility of change or learning.

The experiments involved groups of students who were coached by two people using very different styles. One coach asked questions which focused on envisaging a positive future and the other focused on “a person’s failing and what they ought to do”. The brain scanner was used a week later when the students were shown a video of the coach they had seen the previous week. Sure enough, 7 days later, the students who interacted with the more “compassionate” coach had more positive brain activity – what they refer to as “visioning” – ie contemplating possibilities then those who had worked with a more negatively focused “coach”. (Not a coach as far as I’m concerned!) The other interesting fact was that even when neutral questions were asked, the initial interaction still affected the students’ responses. Which shows that by simply talking to a person about their desired, personal vision for 30 minutes, that interpersonal relationship will produce a positive response when the person chats to the coach about even neutral topics.

HOW CAN WE SIMPLIFY THESE FINDINGS?
Whatever position you hold, when you interact with a client, an employee, a team member, with the view of helping them improve some area of their life or work, if you focus on deficiencies, shortcomings or failings, or approach them with your solution, you will shut down their ability to even imagine a change, let alone create one! However, if we engage with them in a positive, facilitative manner that helps them envisage a more positive future, their brain will switch on in a completely different way and the likelihood of their moving forward is so much greater.

What better evidence to support a shift to a coaching approach and the need to train more people in coaching skills?

WHAT DO WE NEED FROM OUR FRIENDS?
It's the time of year again when we try and get creative with our gifts. We hear "Give the gift of good health" constantly and less rarely, "Give the gift of friendship". Now you may wonder what this has to do with wellness coaching and why would I choose to write about relationships that are essentially personal, not professional. The thing is, the more I work in this arena, the more I realise how much we have to learn from the coaching model that will help us in our lives on a daily basis.

You see I often watch and hear conversations between people. Not because I'm a nosey parker but because I am interested in the rhythm of conversation and the sense of emotional connection between others. We shouldn't have to work hard with our friends should we? But we do.

For some reason many of us think it is our duty to help our friends. Not in the support sense (although we'd say we are supporting them), but with this thing called advice. It is as if by nature of our relationship that we think we owe them the benefit of our opinion regarding decisions they have to make. And I question the value of this. There may be times when they are embarking on a path that we see as being clearly foolhardy, however, jumping in and telling them they are wrong, crazy or just plain stupid wouldn't be the best course of action. Would it? Yet we send this message so very often. We may not use those words and conceal them with phrases like, "If I were you.... I"d... " We might as well add, "Because I know best!" I have frequently heard people say, "I had to counsel "Jane" last night over her relationship issues. The tone of voice implies that they had to "put Jane straight" last night with their better judgment. You see where I am going?

What gives us the right to assume that we know best when it comes to our friends? How can we possibly know what is going on in their heads and hearts that makes us the expert on what they "should" do? I'm not suggesting for a minute that our support isn't needed but I think we should deliver it wisely. Perhaps we could consider the following:

PROVIDE INFORMATION NOT ADVICE - my catch cry of the month. If you do have knowledge that may be useful to your friend, let them have it but make it information that they can choose to use however they wish.

ASK QUESTIONS TO INCREASE THEIR SELF AWARENESS - by that I don't mean "Did you know that John is a bad choice of guy for you?". Perhaps a gentler, "Have you considered whether John meets all of your needs in a relationship?"

BE SUPPORTIVE BUT DON'T THINK YOU HAVE TO PROVIDE THE ANSWER - your friend is quite capable of coming up with the answer even if they are saying, "I don't know what to do!" Your best response would be, "Yes, but you'll work it out for the best."

BE THEIR BIGGEST FAN - your friend will love to hear that you have faith in their ability to work through their challenges. Let them hear where you think their strengths lie. Do this sincerely and that is a real gift of friendship.

BRAINSTORM - if you want to roll up your sleeves and help in a more collaborative way, help them work through all their options. Sure you can throw in a few of your own but make sure most come from your friend and yours present a few different choices.

BE A SOUNDING BOARD - Listen to their troubles and reflect what they are saying without interpreting, advising, educating, counselling, one-upping, shutting them down, interrogating or correcting. Try and let them know you have heard what they are feeling as much as the details.

WHY THIS CHANGE IN APPROACH?
Because ultimately people want to be self-determining. Being told what to do is disempowering and when we are close to them, it can be a form of emotional blackmail. At least when a paid professional tells us what to do and we don't want to do that, we can walk away knowing that it won't cost them any sleep. Not with our friends! Imagine if we were to be able to completely wipe the smug saying, "I told you so!" How liberating.

Many of you will relate to this as you read. I know what I need from my friends and I hope I can deliver the same back. But it takes self control and great empathy and restraint at times. But it makes sense doesn't it? And our friends will love us more, not less and seek our company instead of avoiding our advice. And that's a gift in itself.

COACHING IN LEADERSHIP AND MEDICINE

I have recently returned from the long trip over to Boston to attend this conference and also to participate in a summit on the future of health and wellness coaching. see below! I was so very fortunate to be able to be there for these two events and I hardly know how to begin to report on what I saw, heard, experienced and learnt!

I had been to this conference two years earlier and knew I was in for a treat with some of the big name speakers. What I hadn't expected was how similar their messages were to what I truly believe is the direction we are heading. Wellness and Executive coaching are quite different disciplines, or so I thought. One is about changing behaviour and the other is usually about improving performance. Life coaching seems to float somewhere in the middle on elevated ground perhaps, or perhaps not, depending on who is delivering and what training they have had.

In the two days of the conference these coaching modalities merged to become one and the message was simply, help people create a better life for themselves.
Sir John Whitmore brought sporting analogies into his presentation with humour and truth which illustrated how ludicrous the expert approach was compared to the more effective coaching approach. And Sir John is now heavily involved in coaching in education and organisation. His message was simple. Coaches have two functions - a) to increase awareness and b) to generate self responsibility in their clients. I love it.

Talks on leadership and "Coaching with compassion", blended with sessions showing how theory from family systems therapy can be used in the individual's change. My favourite area of study, motivation, came straight from the horse's mouth when I listened in awe to one of my heros, Edward Deci, recount his enormous depth of research that we have all been studying at Uni for 30 years or more. I have been greatly influenced by Daniel Pink's recent publications and yet here was this highly respected, far from new expert talking about our three basics needs of a) competence, b) autonomy and d) sense of relatedness to others. A variation on the theme but grounded in evidence based research.

We heard (and saw cold hard facts) on how the brain reacts when stress causes the sympathetic nervous system to kick in - and destroy brain cells.. And how when our parasympathetic nervous system is activated (by yes, caring for others and aroused compassion) we grow new brain cells! so the coach gets the benefit too!
Coaching with compassion is just so much better than coaching for compliance.
Barbara Fredrickson rose to lofty heights in my estimation when she presented her research on how positive emotions could transform our very existence and all we had to do was put a plan in place and choose to experience them. Keegan spoke on how we actually build an immunity to change to protect ourselves and how insight can alter these patterns of stagnation and behaviours that do not serve us well. These were just a few but they all blended into one simple message. Coaching is the way of the future and the means to allow people to experience these "better lives". You may wonder how this assortment of information could relate to health and wellness coaching. Every word has relevance, significance and meaning to what I hope to take to coaching and to training coaches. I was in very good company. The mix of psychology, health, medicine, wellness and leadership was perfect and I came home clearer, more grounded and convinced that I am one of the luckiest people in the world to be doing what I do.

THE SUMMIT
How could anything top the experience of the conference? but it did. One and a half days in the company of the key players in health and wellness coaching in the US was a little daunting but I wouldn't have missed it for the world. The aim was to come up with a consensus of thoughts on the way forward and despite the seemingly different needs and views of the attendees, that's what we did. I was moved to write a description of what went on when flying home and this will give a blurry picture of what followed but it says so much for the process that was used; that of appreciative enquiry.
We left with the blueprint of a plan that will be taken to the white house to convince them that money should be allocated to this area and that the people involved were working together to help change the healthcare system and ultimately the health of the nation.

POSITIVITY - A NEW SCIENCE

One of the many topics covered in the recent Coaching in Leadership and Medicine conference I attended in Boston was that of "Positivity". Now like many people, I used to view the fluffy attitude of thinking positively as being rather non descript and very closely linked with new age pop psychology and not terribly grounded in research. Now I know I am wrong. After listening to Barbara Fredrickson speak for two hours and then reading her book called, yes, "Positivity" I have a completely different view of the value of creating positve emotions in ourselves, our client, our co-workers or any team that we are part of and have influence over! I'll let you read it for youself but in summary:

Extensive research shows:

* Positivity doesn't simply reflect success and health, it can produce success and health.
* Positivity broadens and builds (broadens our ideas about possible actions and builds new skills, new ties and new ways of being).
* How much is enough? 3 to 1 positive to negative emotions is the ideal ratio. Not 3-0. Negative emotions are part of life and help us deal with sadness, injustice, loss or other challenging situations.
* Positivity has to be "heartfelt" or it doesn't count!
* Your thoughts can create positivity. "What's working well for me right now?"

The research showed improvements in the following areas when participants were put in a positive state before experimenting:

* Creativity increases
* Scope of attention increases
* Positivity has an upward spiral effect
* Relationships improve due to the change from "me" to "we" view.
* Positive emotions eliminated racial biais in recognition experiment (you have to read this experiment to truly appreciate the impact it could have!)
* And this one I love - people in diverse groups are inspired by positivity to set aside divisive group identities.

I experienced this latter fact in the summit that followed the conference where 68 very different people came together to discuss and agree upon the future of health and wellness coaching. Read my refelctions below which I was moved to write after experiencing a process of appreciative inquiry which created a huge change in the group and helped produce unexpected outcomes.

"We went into the retreat as a group of individuals wearing our positions, experiences, our qualifications and knowledge as a cloak. Some people’s cloaks were bigger, better and more brightly colored than others. We shared on e thing – a desire to have an agenda met.

We left having discarded our cloaks, holding the structure of a plan which had turned all our individual agendas into a collective dream that could be realized.

Along the way we transformed by letting go of fear, by getting in touch with our strengths and by having blinkers removed that allowed us to see others’ strengths. We became the best of who we were and in this state everyone flourished. Fear, suspicion and competition were replaced by warmth, affection, humour and appreciation. Energy became contagious so that each person was engaged and inspired to offer their best.

How did this happen? By the process of appreciative inquiry, negativity was knocked on the head. Instead we agreed to take off our cloaks and appear vulnerable to each other. From this new place we saw who we really were and recognized commonalities not differences. It was a shining example of how a simple process can harness all that’s good in the world and infuse each individual with hope, love and excitement.

A truly awesome experience."


The ten identified positive emotions in Fredrickson's work are precise - joy, gratitude, serenity, interest, hope, pride, amusement, inspiration, awe, and love. Get to know each one personally. Your work and personal life could change. The conference I attended brought home to me how my work in wellnesss coaching is so parallel and appropriate for use in the corporate world. The very fact that the conference was focused on "Coaching in Leadership and Medicine" backs this up. It really was an amazing event and the speakers each brought the same message. We need a new approach to make a better world.