The Power of Conversation

Over this holiday time of year many of us have spent time with family and friends, catching up with loved ones (and others) that we haven't seen for some months and generally trying to "reconnect" in the time we have available. This can produce some wonderful moments and great memories to sustain us through the year. It can also produce some moments of confusion, some re-evaluation of relationships and of course, at times acceptance that we have grown apart sadly from some people we were previously close to. How do we experience all of this? Well most of this awareness comes from simply conversing with people! 
But are we as good as we think we are at helping those conversations flow and produce a mutually enjoyable event? Good communication skills are high on my list of things I would like to pass on to my kids as I really believe that they are an invaluable asset for making life easy and meaningful. 
I was reading a piece by Gary Edwards on this topic that really struck a few chords with me. As a lawyer, he revealed that he had spent the first few years of his marriage "cross examining" his wife! After all he was trained to put forward his case, state his arguments and then dismantle the other person's by use of confrontational questioning. (A good reminder that asking questions is a very useful skill, but the intent behind the questions is also important! And when you think about it, we are taught these same "cross-examining" skills at schools, in debate and use them instinctively in any other situation when we want to win. 
Is there an alternative? Yes, rather than have a winner or a loser, we can always compromise.

The trouble with compromise
In order to avoid confrontation, we will often compromise - accepting that we all have differences and sometimes we have to give in a little.
Or a lot.
And that's the issue. There are times when we feel that we have compromised a lot more than the other person. It can leave us feeling vaguely unsatisfied and unhappy.  Conflict is a part of life as we are all so different, it's the confrontation of the differences that we tend to avoid.
So back to catching up with old friends and family...  
Very often our conversations will lead to discussion of what we've been doing, how we are living which on a surface level seems to be the most important information to impart. But very often that conversation starts to take on a competitive flavour - even though we don't mean it to. This is how easily we can get it wrong. It is in our nature to either compete or cooperate and the desire to do one or the other can cause frustration and lead to compromise. We start to see how conversations can go so wrong.

My author of interest, Gary Edwards refers to what he calls, "The Promise of Potential", where he describes how, as magician, he is aiming to both entertain and amuse people. His interaction with people is viewed as a potential to bring out the fun and laughter in them. I love this description. I would use the term of "The Promise of Possibility" and apply it to any interaction with other people. Any conversation holds the possibility of generating some emotion that will warm both of our hearts. That may involve laughter, that may involve sharing, or even increased awareness and enlightenment; but together we just might get it right and make our respective days (and relationship) brighter.
70% of our time is made up of conversations!

The master skill of this age - Collaboration
Unlike cooperation, collaboration recognises that there are difference and tensions between people and they don't have to be quashed with goodwill in order to work together. When we collaborate we use our strengths and learn to work around our differences. And of course my personal and professional interest in this skill is obvious - after all, collaboration is one of the basic building blocks of good coaching!
Collaborative communication requires respect. And that can be shown in many ways. Simply by listening to what the person has to say and showing them you have heard builds trust. Realising that their viewpoint may be different to ours also requires respect. Recognising that our experience or situation causes use to feel differently about various aspects of life is the first step. 
A personal example  
Many of my friends still have kids at home and their way of living and what they strive for may be quite different to mine as my offspring are now independent.  That can cause a big shift in life and we are often forced into reassessing our values and learning to recognising our changing lifestyle needs. This difference in situation could cause a big gulf in many friendships that may have been based on the sharing of experiences in bringing up our children. But if we converse "collaboratively" and discuss the differences in our situation, we start to understand ourselves better and to respect each other's current position. 
Trivial chat is great for bus stops...
…if you happen to catch a bus. I love nothing more than a quick conversational exchange with people I don't know yet wish to connect with. But when it comes to close friends, I haven' got a lot of patience for endless, meaningless chat which generally does not involve any emotional connection. So instead of hearing what you did, tell me what you feel. How did this year/experience affect you as a person? Are you in a good place or a bad place, or somewhere in between? What do you think you can learn from what's going on? That's the kind of conversation I prefer. I can then get closer my friend by understanding their experience better and we can bridge the gap that time apart may have caused. 
Laughter wins every time!
One of the best ways to reconnect with people is with humour. Sharing funny events or observations that you can both laugh out loud about is the quickest way to deep connection. Brain chemicals are released with laughter that activate the creative right side of the brain and start an emotional release that allows further emotions to flow. Somehow shared humour can bridge any gap that exists and bring you closer again. It's a great way of reconnecting with others, and sometimes with yourself.
There are so many elements to good and effective communication.  I wish they were taught in schools so that it can become a lifelong habit.



Please feel free to post your comments below

WHAT CONSTITUTES A "POSITIVE RELATIONSHIP"?

I am still mulling over Martin Seligman's new definition of Well-being (formerly happiness) which, as you have read, I much prefer to the old one. However, there is one of the components of PERMA that I ponder over for longer as it seems to be very open to interpretation by the individual.
If having "positive relationships" is the most critical factor in Well-being how can we define and measure what that means?
it may sound pretty obvious to most of you but this year has been a time of some introspection for yours truly as our move interstate has meant closing some doors and opening some new ones. Although I often feel that I have left just many doors half ajar and keep popping back into the room to check that I haven't left anything behind!
Let's make this reflection more concrete and try and summarise what positive relationship could possibly consist of:
Someone who has known you for a long time - knows and perhaps shares your history, is familiar with who you are, the good, the bad and the ugly.
as opposed to
Someone who has known you for a short period of time - a new "friend" and has learnt what you have chosen to show them in your brief acquaintance. There is often a honeymoon period associated with these relationships when the novelty value adds to the impression you are purposely trying to create. You are "interesting". A bit like being on your best behaviour. God knows, if we weren't, we'd never make new friends!

Then you have all these other relationships. Which of these add the most value to this element of well-being?
People you can laugh with (and at)
People who you can share intellectual discussions with (a meeting of the minds)
People you can just be with without the need for talk
Someone you see every day and say hello to - part of your familiar routine even though you don't know them well.
Someone you see rarely who may be deeply loved, or just someone whose company you enjoy when you do see them.
Is if your family who can often bring as much 'angst' to your life as pleasure?
Is it someone you care for or someone who cares for you?
Is it someone who accepts you for who you are? Or someone who pushes you to be more than you thought you could be?
Is it someone who has hurt you in the past but whom you have forgiven?
Or someone you want to get to know better?
Is it the people you work with who share your vision and the tough times in your job?
Or the people you celebrate success with?

So it seems to me that there are many layers and categories of positivity in relationships and I would love a direct recipe for which combination is essential to our wellbeing. Because for the last year I have had to accept that I am not in contact with many people I have shared much of my recent life with (about 30 years!) Are they replaceable. Can four superficial friendships replace one deep friendships?
Alas I have not got the answer to this and perhaps Martin Seligman does but to make some sense out of my pondering, I guess it's a case of looking down a list such as this and seeing if there is something that feels like it's missing. And then trying to find a way to fill it. Relationships change and maybe it's a case of retaining the positivity of the past connection and making it fit into a new mould?

Perhaps we can write down names of people who fit the categories we are missing and try and find a way of reconnecting with them, even if for short times.
Ask yourself - am I getting enough "PR" to fit my needs? And if not, go out and get it?
After all it's what makes the world go round.
I would love to hear anyone's comments?I am still mulling over Martin Seligman's new definition of Well-being (formerly happiness) which, as you have read, I much prefer to the old one. However, there is one of the components of PERMA that I ponder over for longer as it seems to be very open to interpretation by the individual.
If having "positive relationships" is the most critical factor in Well-being how can we define and measure what that means?
it may sound pretty obvious to most of you but this year has been a time of some introspection for yours truly as our move interstate has meant closing some doors and opening some new ones. Although I often feel that I have left just many doors half ajar and keep popping back into the room to check that I haven't left anything behind!
Let's make this reflection more concrete and try and summarise what positive relationship could possibly consist of:
Someone who has known you for a long time - knows and perhaps shares your history, is familiar with who you are, the good, the bad and the ugly.
as opposed to
Someone who has known you for a short period of time - a new "friend" and has learnt what you have chosen to show them in your brief acquaintance. There is often a honeymoon period associated with these relationships when the novelty value adds to the impression you are purposely trying to create. You are "interesting". A bit like being on your best behaviour. God knows, if we weren't, we'd never make new friends!

Then you have all these other relationships. Which of these add the most value to this element of well-being?

People you can laugh with (and at - of course with)
People who you can share intellectual discussions with (a meeting of the minds)
People you can just be with without the need for talk
Someone you see every day and say hello to - part of your familiar routine even though you don't know them well.
Someone you see rarely who may be deeply loved, or just someone whose company you enjoy when you do see them.
Is if your family who can often bring as much 'angst' to your life as pleasure?
Is it someone you care for or someone who cares for you?
Is it someone who accepts you for who you are? Or someone who pushes you to be more than you thought you could be?
Is it someone who has hurt you in the past but whom you have forgiven?
Or someone you want to get to know better?
Is it the people you work with who share your vision and the tough times in your job?
Or the people you celebrate success with?

So it seems to me that there are many layers and categories of positivity in relationships and I would love a direct recipe for which combination is essential to our wellbeing. Because for the last year I have had to accept that I am not in contact with many people I have shared much of my recent life with (about 30 years!) Are they replaceable. Can four superficial friendships replace one deep friendships?
Alas I have not got the answer to this and perhaps Martin Seligman does but to make some sense out of my pondering, I guess it's a case of looking down a list such as this and seeing if there is something that feels like it's missing. And then trying to find a way to fill it. Relationships change and maybe it's a case of retaining the positivity of the past connection and making it fit into a new mould?

Perhaps we can write down names of people who fit the categories we are missing and try and find a way of reconnecting with them, even if for short times.
Ask yourself - am I getting enough "PR" to fit my needs? And if not, go out and get it?
After all it's what makes the world go round.
I would love to hear anyone's comments?

I attended the Happiness conference in Brisban a few months ago, and had the privilege of again listening to some outstanding speakers talk on a topic that is very close to my heart! Why wouldn’t it be? After all, isn’t this the aim of everyone alive - to be “happy”? Defining what happiness means is the hard part . The positive psychology movement is really only about 11 years old so it is relatively a very young idea and it is interesting to have witnessed slight changes in focus in the time I have been interested in this area. For example, Dr Martin Seligman, the man responsible for founding the movement has himself changed his approach and in his new book “Flourishing” he explains that the very word “happiness” has become almost diluted, if not polluted by its somewhat trite association with - “being in a cheerful mood”. We can sense (and also hear) Seligman’s distaste for the very popular smiley face symbol and he is at pains to remove his work from that concept. Instead, he now defines happiness as being a “construct” made up of five areas

PERMA
P - positive emotions
E - engagement
R -positive relationships
M - meaning
A - achievement

The latter is interesting because for the first time, he is accepting and acknowledging that people are often driven by the simple need to “achieve” and for some this can be “winning” Although it doesn’t seem like a very noble desire, it is a fact and Seligman, above all else, is all about reality!

Back to the conference. Now, Seligman may have his revered ideas of what happiness is all about but, as individuals, we also have the right to have a thought of two about what we are striving for. Working in the field of health and wellness, I have had a bit of a “thing” since the first year I attended the “Well-being summit” in Washington that not once was the word “health” or “exercise” mentioned! For me, happiness or “well-being isn’t really possible without including a degree of vigorous movement in my life. Simply for the sake of it! Imagination my gratification when not one, but three speakers referred directly to the concept of physical health as being an essential part of happiness. I could have hugged Tony Grant when he said, “if you’re sitting on the couch drinking coke and.... “ it’s pretty hard to be truly “well”. So finally my worlds come together. We use the principles of positive psychology in wellness coaching constantly and it was great to see what we strive for acknowledged. To me, striving for optimal mental well-being won’t cut it. I want to strive for optimal physical well-being too. A guest at The Golden Door recently caught me off guard when she pointed out that if you have a physical illness it’s hard to be truly well. It made me think about my answer carefully but I still hold that even with illness we can strive to adopt habits that adhere to healthy living. And perhaps in cases such as illness, acceptance will bring mental well-being.

So to sum up my reflections on the Happiness Conference - never have I seen so many empathic, tolerant and accepting people in one place - after all the Dalai Lama was a keynote speaker. But we must all find our own recipe for “well-being”. For me, I can sum up the top three. I will not be truly happy unless I have Laughter, Love and Exercise. But that’s just me! And perhaps they are a reflection of my values rather than a recipe for optimal well-being. Or perhaps they are a means to an end! Whatever it is for you, work it out and go and get it.

DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY! - HELPING YOUR CLIENTS DEAL WITH ANXIETY

It has been some months since I heard Sarah Edelman speak at The Happiness Conference (which Martin Seligman would no doubt change to the Wellbeing Conference if he had his way as this is the new term he uses in preference to the one that conjures up happy, smiling faces). Since then I have been keen to pass on some of the very valuable content of her session because of its relevance and practicality to our work. Anxiety and worry are such household terms and common complaints that we cannot ignore their existence in today's world, nor can we leave them solely to the mental health workers. If we are to live up to our name and be true wellness coaches, we must become proficient and capable in both recognising anxiety when it can be alleviated by habitual practices, and when it is out of our sphere of control and referral is necessary.

I used to think that panic attacks were something that people experienced when they were really not mentally "well". I now think differently as I hear quite frequently, clients describing times when palpitations and feeling of shortness of breath, plus extreme anxiety can stop them in their tracks. It is a fact of life that our responsibilities and our expectations have increased and the complexity of our very existence has pushed many to the brink of occasional dysfunction due to perceived threats around them.

And this is where anxiety comes from - a perceived threat. How can we be threatened when we are standing in a shopping centre surrounded by people you might ask? Evolution has favoured anxiety as those who "watch their back" tend to survive longer. Anxiety produces a fight or flight response that galvanises us to action and helps us focus on the threat at hand. We are alert and can move quickly.

However, these days the threat is more often to our emotional safety then our physical safety and stress is caused by deadlines, pressure at work, demanding people, financial worry and the need to be in control! The flight or flight response is not useful at times like this as it activates the sympathetic nervous system which is all about defensiveness, increased pulse rate and breathing, guilt - and can lead to depression and of course anxiety. When this happens frequently, it becomes what is termed an "anxiety disorder" and can attack the very fabric of our well-being.

Generalised anxiety disorder is one of the more common disorders and is often called the "Worrying disorder". When we worry constantly we are paying frequent attention to possible threats and it can cause restlessness, lack of ability to concentrate, sleep disturbance and muscle tension. Many people live with it for years. A simple occurrence can set the worrier off on a, "What if… ?" tangent and they often catastrophise ambiguous events.

Responses to constant worrying can be negative thought patterns, any unpleasant physical symptoms including tiredness, avoidance of common situations that cause fear by drinking, eating, smoking or other addictive behaviours, or the need for excessive control.

Behavioural Strategies for AnxietyConfront your fears: avoiding them strengthens our fear over time and makes us less able to cope when we have to. Identify what you have been avoiding and expose yourself to the things you are afraid of gradually.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation: releasing tension in this way can reduce anxiety as it is impossible to be physically relaxed and anxious at the same time. Becoming familiar with how our body is working and recognising tension can prevent it from building up.

Meditation: releasing our mind and therefore releasing stressful thoughts. Mindfulness has received much attention as it can be useful in managing various conditions. It involves bringing conscious awareness to our present experience - particularly sensory experience such as breathing and also non-judgmental awareness of our thoughts and bodily sensations. Observing them helps us to disengage with them!

Dealing with Worry:Challenging Catastrophic Thoughts: If we can realise that our thoughts may well be leading us astray, we can challenge their reality. Ask questions such as:
▪ What are the facts?
▪ How am I interpreting them?
▪ Is there any evidence to support this?
▪ What would someone (calmer, more rational) think?
▪ Are my thoughts based on facts or feigns?
▪ What is the worst think that can happen (realistically)?
▪ What is the best thing that can happen?

Common beliefs about the benefits of worry: this may sound strange but many people think that worrying somehow protects them and makes them less vulnerable. Here are some common beliefs:

Worrying prepares me for the worst? Does it? or does it simply cause us more heartache in the present when the event may never happen?

Worrying is a form of problem solving. Not for many. It is more likely to be represent pointless rumination that leads to no action. A big difference.

Worrying can prevent bad things from happening? Really??

Worrying is a positive personality trait - it means I'm caring. Hmm.. perhaps there are more productive ways to show that you care.

Identifying any beliefs like these can be the first step to testing the and changing them.

This is a complex area for us to deal with as health and fitness professionals.

How does the way we coach fit in?
I presented this week at the HPM congress on the results of Boyatzis research that shows that positive coaching actually causes the brain to light up in different ways and the Positive Emotional Attractors it arouses in our brain can activate the parasympathetic nervous system that causes the exact opposite effect to worrying! It opens up our focus and increases hope and optimism that in turn creates new possibilities. In short, it helps us prepare for and engage in sustained desired change.

How can coaching ever be undervalued? But positive coaching differs from coaching for compliance which is all about "fixing weaknesses" and directing the client to take the next step. There is a big difference. Let's help our clients become aware of the tendency to worry and help them realise how this an shut down their worlds and with our skill set open them up to an exciting future filled with a degree of uncertainty but loads of exciting possibilities!

Reference: Sarah Edelman, Change your thinking
Richard Boyatzis, Intentional Change Theory

Is Fear an Emotion we can live without?

We might be tempted to answer "YES!" Who wants to be scared? How weak is that! Yet when we think about it, fear is one of the strongest motivators there is. It can do one of two things - it can energise us to act and move in a certain direction (away from the sabre tooth tiger) or paralyse us into inaction - to freeze. Both can be useful at the right time, depending on how fast we run, or whether the tiger is less likely to attack a stationery prey! So if we accept that fear is a necessary emotion, if not desirable..

What can we learn from fear?
Gerald Jambolswy writes that all negative emotions come from fear. He also says that the opposite of fear is love and that if we can replace one with the other, we will live a happy, productive life. Now that may sound like a bit of a stretch for some of us but the concept is clear.

Think of a few negative emotions - hatred, jealousy, anger, regret. When we think of times we have experienced these and explore what was behind them we can often find a fear element in each. This is an uncomfortable question for people who like to think of themselves as "strong". After all, anger is a big righteous emotion at times but dig a few layers down and we can usually uncover a fear of some kind. - very often of loss. I found it an interesting way of reframing these emotional energy drains that occur now and again, whether we like them or not. And even more useful was the realisation that everyone else experiences the same mixture so when people act in a seemingly unpleasant way (towards us), they too are probably coming from a place of fear. This certainly makes it easier to understand and possibly to forgive or accept their behaviours. It also makes the notion of replacing fear with love somewhat more achievable. After all, if we can understand that someone who is upsetting us is also acting from fear, then it makes it easier to experience compassion.

Can emotions be intellectualised like this?
I can understand that for some people, dissecting why we experience certain feelings can be just too analytical and they might argue that our emotions are part of who we are and should be allowed to "run wild and free" for want of a better description. To try and change or explain these emotions is going against our natural tendencies. Yet it it has been my experience that when I am going through troubled times, or feeling out of kilter for any reason, I like to do a bit of introspection to work out what the real cause of my uneasiness or unhappiness is. "Seek first to understand" would be my policy and I would direct this understanding towards myself! After all, it's all about me - at least in this instance. By spending time checking into this idea of fear being replaceable by love, I have acquired another tool to reduce anxiety. It has also helped me to get closer to that desirable place of accepting other people by realising that they too may be simply scared of losing something!

How can we turn fear into a useful emotion?
What we're discussing above is when other people cause our negativity. There are times when fear can simply stop us from taking action and have nothing to do with anyone else. Susan Jeffers landmark book, "Feel the fear and do it anyway" wasn't a best seller by sheer chance. The tittle spoke to anyone who has ever felt that they are missing out of something by being too scared to act. The book has wonderful messages and advice about how to channel our fear into more positive emotions and how small adjustments in our thinking can help this happen. I recall the part where she suggests that making a list of things we are worried about, then re-writing the list with the words "I worry that……." being replied with "I wonder if…." could create such a difference in perception of our situation and move us more towards acceptance of outcomes.

So when I find myself feeling fear I like now to think of it as a challenge that has been sent my way because it is exactly what I need to face at this point in my life. . I like to try and detect what lesson is being delivered and what my fear is telling me I need to learn. That small shift can turn a negative into a positive for me and I can sense the excitement of challenge instead of the freeze of fear.

Isn't this a little weak to admit to clients who hire us as coaches?
I think not. The best way of coaching anyone is to get as close to understanding what they are experiencing as we can. If life runs smoothly and we are always in control of our emotions, how can we possibly relate to anyone else who seeks change?
After all, we are in this world together.