WHAT STOPS US FROM CONNECTING WITH PEOPLE?

I wrote an ebook for our business members recently entitled "Connecting with People" and it made me think seriously about why we often find this so difficult if it is one of our basic drives. Most of us will take part in superficial conversation quite comfortably (although there are others who are not happy even doing this). But when we start to get into the "heavier" stuff, it can be uncomfortable for many of us. If we agree that life is much richer when share, and that relationships are the building blocks towards a fulfilled life, then we have to put some effort into creating and nurturing them. Yet all too often we leave a meeting/encounter with the sense that we kind of "missed the mark" and feel somewhat lonely, unheard or have a sense that something important wasn't said. Why is this so?

Here are 10 observations of the challenges we face or the thoughts that go through our head and some potential solutions:

1. IT'S EASIER TO TALK ABOUT FACTS THAN EMOTIONS
We enjoy sharing our knowledge with others. But where's the value in commenting on what's going on in the world, your life or even the weather unless we say something about how what effect that has on us? Or what we think about it? Our friends might as well watch the news. Sharing our feelings and perceptions of events doesn't mean we're making it all "about us" - instead we allow people to learn more about us and we become colourful and real, instead of one-dimensional fact machines.

2. WE DON'T WANT TO BE ACCUSED OF GOSSIP OR ENGAGING IN IDLE CHAT ABOUT OTHERS
Of course we don't. But people are part of our lives and how we react or respond to others says a lot about who we are. And others want to know who we are! Expressing concern, interest or enquiry about the other people in our world is a way of building our community and showing that we do care. Talking about our relationships with a third party can often be a great way of working out how we're feeling and recognising our own part in perhaps a conflict or other disagreement. We do need to avoid falling into the trap of criticising, or judging and not to allow our conversation partner to steer the discussion in that direction.

3. WE DON'T LIKE TALKING ABOUT OUR FEELINGS
Some people love to and some people hate to. Admitting to having feelings can reveal weakness. And it doesn't matter whether the feelings are good - like satisfaction or pride, or bad, like shame, fear, anxiety or loss. And yet, once again, having the privilege of a close friend sharing on a level that goes beyond superficial is a gift. I was once part of a group of people who got together to informally support and work through, let's say, a stage of life. It was a rewarding time spent together yet there was one person in the group who eventually everyone owned up to feeling a little uncomfortable with. We started to recognise that although that person was a good listener and undoubtably sympathetic and supportive, she never shared any details of her life. So we felt shut out and a bit like the floor show. Sharing has to be two way.

4. WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WE ARE FEELING
Now that's an obstacle that's fairly common. If you think that applies to you, start trying out a few possibilities. Some people simply don't have the language to describe their feelings and as coaches we can often help by translating a "noise" a client makes into a helpful reflection. "So you're feeling frustrated with the situation?" YES they say with relief. If you are not sure what's going on inside, try brainstorming a few ideas with someone you're close to. Acknowledgment of a strong emotion is the first step to working with it.

5. TALKING ABOUT IT DOESN'T MAKE IT BETTER
No one has suggested that another person has the power to "make it all right". But gaining the support and kind ear of another can ease our pain or annoyance. And if they're very perceptive, they may be able to help us come up with some action that can help us more towards more positive emotions. "Complicated" grief is caused when a person is unable to recognise the feelings of loss and they push the sadness to one side. It doesn't go away and we don't learn to live with it until we look it in the face and accept it for what it is.

6. WHY WOULD ANYONE BE INTERESTED IN OUR PROBLEMS?
People are intrinsically interested in others. Or the ones we want to know are.

7. IT'S MUCH BETTER TO KEEP IT LIGHT
Sure if you want to live your life at a shallow level. We don't have to wallow in daily discussions of emotional hogwash, but people are very complex and interesting and there is great value on pondering the big questions now and again.

8. I DON'T GET A WORD IN
Take a deep breath and say loudly, "It's my turn". Or hold up your hand. This can work. Conversation should be equally shared. Monoloques or soliloquies are for the stage.

9. MY FRIENDS AREN'T "SHARERS"
Ask some open ended questions and avoid answering them yourself. Learn to be comfortable with silence. Even the most silent types will break eventually and give out some information.

10. I JUST DON'T HAVE THE TIME
If you haven't got time to connect with people, then you're taking up valuable air space. You could find a cave or a mountain top and spend some time there. But don't expect people to have time for you should you feel the need for help, support or communication.

Connecting with others makes our lives richer and can only improve our relationships. So why not take the time out to connect with someone more effectively today?

WELLNESS COACHING - CAN THIS WORK IN A GROUP SETTING?

Why would a group setting be as good as (if not better) then one on one coaching where an individual gets more attention? There are many reasons why group work can be very effective and an ideal way to start your coaching service.

AFFORDABLE - the cost is spread and the coach can earn a higher hourly rate.
TIME EFFICIENT - in one session, many peope can achieve the motivation to change.
ENERGY - when a group is formed, it creates its own energy which is sometimes greater than the sum of the whole!
GROUP DYNAMICS - each group will work in a different way and the dynamics at any one time can be intriguing and challenging.
LESS THREATENING - many people prefer to be "one of a crowd" and to speak when they are ready rather than have the whole focus on them.
SUPPORT AND ACCOUNTABILITY - this is greater than what we'd get from a coach alone and can be enormously effective. There are a whole set of people to report to.
OPPORTUNITY TO CONTRIBUTE - A bye product of being part of a group is that group members have the chance to help others.
REALISATION THAT WE ARE NOT ALONE - this also can be powerful as we listen to other people's struggle with change. We may well hear our own story voiced by others.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT - when successes (or challenges) are experienced, the group will acknowledge this.
SENSE OF BELONGING - we thrive on belonging to a group or community which is so often missed in today's isolated society.
PLACE TO CELEBRATE SUCCESS - a bigger cheer when we achieve a goal.
CHANCE TO LEARN BOUNDARIES - a lot of learning takes place in a group as we learn respect for others and a good coach will help the group define appropriate boundaries which so often are crossed in our lives.

Have I convinced you? Great - because I am becoming more convinced as time passes that we have a huge opportunity not only to help our clients but to create a community. We have all heard of the concept of a "tribe" - a large group of avid supporters and followers (of our business, our ideas, our industry). Hugh McKay points out that whereas our identity is often group based, it is actually the small groups ("herds") who have the power to create change and a herd would be a group of about 8-10 people. Just the right size for group coaching! Being part of such a small group can "nurture our confidence and self respect". I would say our coaching programs have the potential to foster and encourage big changes in both the individuals and community that they belong to. Which is why I am strongly supporting all coaches to think about setting up a program that brings people together, is more affordable and incredibly rewarding to facilitate.

WHY WE NEED TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY
I have written a lot on the topic of motivation in recent newsletters - which is essential to our understanding of human behaviour, both as coaches and as individuals who may be striving for a change in lifestyle habits and a way of being in the world. but finding it difficult to stop being "tripped up". Just when I think I have read all the current literature on the topic, I find yet another great publication, this one by Hugh MacKay, the prolific Australia sociologist who throws another curve ball at us. MacKay, in his book "What makes us tick" describes ten desires that drive us to do with we do. There is a lot of overlap between Mackay, Daniel Pink and the Heath brothers in their analysis of the deep motivators in our lives but I really like "What make us tick" as it makes the distinction between what we need and what we want. It is the latter that makes us choose how we live and ultimately how society operates. These drivers are not about survival, they are about choices.

THE DESIRE TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY
This is the first of the ten but it deserves special consideration as it is so important and so often overlooked. When I read this first chapter I could relate it to so many situations where sometimes dysfunctional behaviour arises from the burning desire to "count", to be acknowledged, identified, appreciated, remembered. It also made me think of how this unmet desire can adversely affect relationships with each other, at home and at work and how a better understanding of this can lead to a better understanding of each other.

Key points:

• Although we like to fit in and take part in many similar activities and behaviours, we yearn to be "known for the ways in which we differ from each other". This is the main reason why whe racism and sexism for example, when aimed at us, cause us such grief. We do not want to be marginalised, minimalised or lumped in a bunch!

• People need to maintain their own identity even when part of a group, partnership, team or other collective entity.

• Teenagers struggle with not being taken seriously more than other age groups.

• Some people are hungrier for recognition than others due to past trauma, neglect or disappointment and will seek it out much more actively and be wounded when they don't get it.

• Self obsession, arrogance and narcissism are all perversions of our need for recognition.

• Although hardship and the occasional put down can spur us on to regain our self respect and succeed, in many cases people will seek respect in a number of ways ranging from success in sport, finance, comedy or even by committing some of the worst crimes imaginable.

• People who have been put down a lot in life will tend to do the same to others, as if paying back the injustice they have experienced.

• Minority groups thrive on persecution simply because they are being noticed!

• The best form of recognition does not come from praise or rewards.

What is the most effective way to take someone seriously?

TO LISTEN TO THEM! As always, many of these observations of human nature back up the reason why coaching works. To listen to someone is to give them the greatest gift of all and it is not a natural skill. Whether it is through counselling or coaching, many people will get the greatest benefit because someone was committed to listen to their story and to accept them for who they Are.

This reminds me why I love working in the area of coaching and also backs up the need for these communication skills to be taught in all areas of life - schools, corporations, families, friendships - pretty much anywhere we have contact with others. Could your life improve with more exposure to this skill set?

COACHING LIGHTS UP THE BRAIN

Coaching is being used widely to promote learning and growth. In health and wellness, we know that our clients are more likely to achieve lasting changes in lifestyle behaviours, In the corporate world, coaching can improve the smooth running of the organisation, produce higher productivity and potentially more profit. In schools, better learning and student performance have been seen and in the medical world, Doctors nurses and other healthcare professionals are “connecting” more with their patients. We know that coaching works, we also know that a lot is done in the name of coaching that isn’t necessarily following the key principles of the coaching model.

After listening to Richard Boyatzis speak late last year at a conference, I recently read a report on his research which provides hard evidence of the effects of coaching on a person’s brain, by using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI).  I felt excited enough to pass this on as we often struggle to explain and justify why coaching is a better approach.

To create any change, it is essential for a person to be able to imagine possibilities. How could things be different? Often the first question we ask is, “How would you like things to be?”  Depending on what has gone before, or how resistant a person is to change, this question can produce widely differing results.

“Coaching with compassion” is a term coined by the researchers, Richard Boyatzis and Anthony Jack which emphasizes focusing on the individual’s own goals, rather than following the coaches' agenda.  Their research is aimed at showing how coaching, (in its purest sense) can open up the coached person’s brain to “consider possibilities” and hence, increase learning, rather than to become defensive and close down. This will often happen in a typical performance review when the individual is asked to focus on their deficiencies and weaknesses.

By seeking to arouse a “positive Emotional Attractor” a coach can help create positive emotions and the consideration of change. If the coach tries to “fix” the problem or emphasizes flaws or other shortcomings, the opposite will happen the Negative Emotional Attractor will be activated., diminishing the possibility of change or learning.

The experiments involved groups of students who were coached by two people using very different styles. One coach asked questions which focused on envisaging a positive future and the other focused on “a person’s failing and what they ought to do”. The brain scanner was used a week later when the students were shown a video of the coach they had seen the previous week. Sure enough, 7 days later, the students who interacted with the more “compassionate” coach had more positive brain activity – what they refer to as “visioning” – ie contemplating possibilities then those who had worked with a more negatively focused “coach”. (Not a coach as far as I’m concerned!) The other interesting fact was that even when neutral questions were asked, the initial interaction still affected the students’ responses. Which shows that by simply talking to a person about their desired, personal vision for 30 minutes, that interpersonal relationship will produce a positive response when the person chats to the coach about even neutral topics.

HOW CAN WE SIMPLIFY THESE FINDINGS?
Whatever position you hold, when you interact with a client, an employee, a team member, with the view of helping them improve some area of their life or work, if you focus on deficiencies, shortcomings or failings, or approach them with your solution, you will shut down their ability to even imagine a change, let alone create one! However, if we engage with them in a positive, facilitative manner that helps them envisage a more positive future, their brain will switch on in a completely different way and the likelihood of their moving forward is so much greater.

What better evidence to support a shift to a coaching approach and the need to train more people in coaching skills?

WHAT DO WE NEED FROM OUR FRIENDS?
It's the time of year again when we try and get creative with our gifts. We hear "Give the gift of good health" constantly and less rarely, "Give the gift of friendship". Now you may wonder what this has to do with wellness coaching and why would I choose to write about relationships that are essentially personal, not professional. The thing is, the more I work in this arena, the more I realise how much we have to learn from the coaching model that will help us in our lives on a daily basis.

You see I often watch and hear conversations between people. Not because I'm a nosey parker but because I am interested in the rhythm of conversation and the sense of emotional connection between others. We shouldn't have to work hard with our friends should we? But we do.

For some reason many of us think it is our duty to help our friends. Not in the support sense (although we'd say we are supporting them), but with this thing called advice. It is as if by nature of our relationship that we think we owe them the benefit of our opinion regarding decisions they have to make. And I question the value of this. There may be times when they are embarking on a path that we see as being clearly foolhardy, however, jumping in and telling them they are wrong, crazy or just plain stupid wouldn't be the best course of action. Would it? Yet we send this message so very often. We may not use those words and conceal them with phrases like, "If I were you.... I"d... " We might as well add, "Because I know best!" I have frequently heard people say, "I had to counsel "Jane" last night over her relationship issues. The tone of voice implies that they had to "put Jane straight" last night with their better judgment. You see where I am going?

What gives us the right to assume that we know best when it comes to our friends? How can we possibly know what is going on in their heads and hearts that makes us the expert on what they "should" do? I'm not suggesting for a minute that our support isn't needed but I think we should deliver it wisely. Perhaps we could consider the following:

PROVIDE INFORMATION NOT ADVICE - my catch cry of the month. If you do have knowledge that may be useful to your friend, let them have it but make it information that they can choose to use however they wish.

ASK QUESTIONS TO INCREASE THEIR SELF AWARENESS - by that I don't mean "Did you know that John is a bad choice of guy for you?". Perhaps a gentler, "Have you considered whether John meets all of your needs in a relationship?"

BE SUPPORTIVE BUT DON'T THINK YOU HAVE TO PROVIDE THE ANSWER - your friend is quite capable of coming up with the answer even if they are saying, "I don't know what to do!" Your best response would be, "Yes, but you'll work it out for the best."

BE THEIR BIGGEST FAN - your friend will love to hear that you have faith in their ability to work through their challenges. Let them hear where you think their strengths lie. Do this sincerely and that is a real gift of friendship.

BRAINSTORM - if you want to roll up your sleeves and help in a more collaborative way, help them work through all their options. Sure you can throw in a few of your own but make sure most come from your friend and yours present a few different choices.

BE A SOUNDING BOARD - Listen to their troubles and reflect what they are saying without interpreting, advising, educating, counselling, one-upping, shutting them down, interrogating or correcting. Try and let them know you have heard what they are feeling as much as the details.

WHY THIS CHANGE IN APPROACH?
Because ultimately people want to be self-determining. Being told what to do is disempowering and when we are close to them, it can be a form of emotional blackmail. At least when a paid professional tells us what to do and we don't want to do that, we can walk away knowing that it won't cost them any sleep. Not with our friends! Imagine if we were to be able to completely wipe the smug saying, "I told you so!" How liberating.

Many of you will relate to this as you read. I know what I need from my friends and I hope I can deliver the same back. But it takes self control and great empathy and restraint at times. But it makes sense doesn't it? And our friends will love us more, not less and seek our company instead of avoiding our advice. And that's a gift in itself.