Is Fear an Emotion we can live without?
We might be tempted to answer "YES!" Who wants to be scared? How weak is that! Yet when we think about it, fear is one of the strongest motivators there is. It can do one of two things - it can energise us to act and move in a certain direction (away from the sabre tooth tiger) or paralyse us into inaction - to freeze. Both can be useful at the right time, depending on how fast we run, or whether the tiger is less likely to attack a stationery prey! So if we accept that fear is a necessary emotion, if not desirable..
What can we learn from fear?
Gerald Jambolswy writes that all negative emotions come from fear. He also says that the opposite of fear is love and that if we can replace one with the other, we will live a happy, productive life. Now that may sound like a bit of a stretch for some of us but the concept is clear.
Think of a few negative emotions - hatred, jealousy, anger, regret. When we think of times we have experienced these and explore what was behind them we can often find a fear element in each. This is an uncomfortable question for people who like to think of themselves as "strong". After all, anger is a big righteous emotion at times but dig a few layers down and we can usually uncover a fear of some kind. - very often of loss. I found it an interesting way of reframing these emotional energy drains that occur now and again, whether we like them or not. And even more useful was the realisation that everyone else experiences the same mixture so when people act in a seemingly unpleasant way (towards us), they too are probably coming from a place of fear. This certainly makes it easier to understand and possibly to forgive or accept their behaviours. It also makes the notion of replacing fear with love somewhat more achievable. After all, if we can understand that someone who is upsetting us is also acting from fear, then it makes it easier to experience compassion.
Can emotions be intellectualised like this?
I can understand that for some people, dissecting why we experience certain feelings can be just too analytical and they might argue that our emotions are part of who we are and should be allowed to "run wild and free" for want of a better description. To try and change or explain these emotions is going against our natural tendencies. Yet it it has been my experience that when I am going through troubled times, or feeling out of kilter for any reason, I like to do a bit of introspection to work out what the real cause of my uneasiness or unhappiness is. "Seek first to understand" would be my policy and I would direct this understanding towards myself! After all, it's all about me - at least in this instance. By spending time checking into this idea of fear being replaceable by love, I have acquired another tool to reduce anxiety. It has also helped me to get closer to that desirable place of accepting other people by realising that they too may be simply scared of losing something!
How can we turn fear into a useful emotion?
What we're discussing above is when other people cause our negativity. There are times when fear can simply stop us from taking action and have nothing to do with anyone else. Susan Jeffers landmark book, "Feel the fear and do it anyway" wasn't a best seller by sheer chance. The tittle spoke to anyone who has ever felt that they are missing out of something by being too scared to act. The book has wonderful messages and advice about how to channel our fear into more positive emotions and how small adjustments in our thinking can help this happen. I recall the part where she suggests that making a list of things we are worried about, then re-writing the list with the words "I worry that……." being replied with "I wonder if…." could create such a difference in perception of our situation and move us more towards acceptance of outcomes.
So when I find myself feeling fear I like now to think of it as a challenge that has been sent my way because it is exactly what I need to face at this point in my life. . I like to try and detect what lesson is being delivered and what my fear is telling me I need to learn. That small shift can turn a negative into a positive for me and I can sense the excitement of challenge instead of the freeze of fear.
Isn't this a little weak to admit to clients who hire us as coaches?
I think not. The best way of coaching anyone is to get as close to understanding what they are experiencing as we can. If life runs smoothly and we are always in control of our emotions, how can we possibly relate to anyone else who seeks change?
After all, we are in this world together.
