Over this holiday time of year many of us have spent time with family and friends, catching up with loved ones (and others) that we haven't seen for some months and generally trying to "reconnect" in the time we have available. This can produce some wonderful moments and great memories to sustain us through the year. It can also produce some moments of confusion, some re-evaluation of relationships and of course, at times acceptance that we have grown apart sadly from some people we were previously close to. How do we experience all of this? Well most of this awareness comes from simply conversing with people!
But are we as good as we think we are at helping those conversations flow and produce a mutually enjoyable event? Good communication skills are high on my list of things I would like to pass on to my kids as I really believe that they are an invaluable asset for making life easy and meaningful.
I was reading a piece by Gary Edwards on this topic that really struck a few chords with me. As a lawyer, he revealed that he had spent the first few years of his marriage "cross examining" his wife! After all he was trained to put forward his case, state his arguments and then dismantle the other person's by use of confrontational questioning. (A good reminder that asking questions is a very useful skill, but the intent behind the questions is also important! And when you think about it, we are taught these same "cross-examining" skills at schools, in debate and use them instinctively in any other situation when we want to win.
Is there an alternative? Yes, rather than have a winner or a loser, we can always compromise.
The trouble with compromise
In order to avoid confrontation, we will often compromise - accepting that we all have differences and sometimes we have to give in a little.
Or a lot.
And that's the issue. There are times when we feel that we have compromised a lot more than the other person. It can leave us feeling vaguely unsatisfied and unhappy. Conflict is a part of life as we are all so different, it's the confrontation of the differences that we tend to avoid.
So back to catching up with old friends and family...
Very often our conversations will lead to discussion of what we've been doing, how we are living which on a surface level seems to be the most important information to impart. But very often that conversation starts to take on a competitive flavour - even though we don't mean it to. This is how easily we can get it wrong. It is in our nature to either compete or cooperate and the desire to do one or the other can cause frustration and lead to compromise. We start to see how conversations can go so wrong.
My author of interest, Gary Edwards refers to what he calls, "The Promise of Potential", where he describes how, as magician, he is aiming to both entertain and amuse people. His interaction with people is viewed as a potential to bring out the fun and laughter in them. I love this description. I would use the term of "The Promise of Possibility" and apply it to any interaction with other people. Any conversation holds the possibility of generating some emotion that will warm both of our hearts. That may involve laughter, that may involve sharing, or even increased awareness and enlightenment; but together we just might get it right and make our respective days (and relationship) brighter.
70% of our time is made up of conversations!
The master skill of this age - Collaboration
Unlike cooperation, collaboration recognises that there are difference and tensions between people and they don't have to be quashed with goodwill in order to work together. When we collaborate we use our strengths and learn to work around our differences. And of course my personal and professional interest in this skill is obvious - after all, collaboration is one of the basic building blocks of good coaching!
Collaborative communication requires respect. And that can be shown in many ways. Simply by listening to what the person has to say and showing them you have heard builds trust. Realising that their viewpoint may be different to ours also requires respect. Recognising that our experience or situation causes use to feel differently about various aspects of life is the first step.
A personal example
Many of my friends still have kids at home and their way of living and what they strive for may be quite different to mine as my offspring are now independent. That can cause a big shift in life and we are often forced into reassessing our values and learning to recognising our changing lifestyle needs. This difference in situation could cause a big gulf in many friendships that may have been based on the sharing of experiences in bringing up our children. But if we converse "collaboratively" and discuss the differences in our situation, we start to understand ourselves better and to respect each other's current position.
Trivial chat is great for bus stops...
…if you happen to catch a bus. I love nothing more than a quick conversational exchange with people I don't know yet wish to connect with. But when it comes to close friends, I haven' got a lot of patience for endless, meaningless chat which generally does not involve any emotional connection. So instead of hearing what you did, tell me what you feel. How did this year/experience affect you as a person? Are you in a good place or a bad place, or somewhere in between? What do you think you can learn from what's going on? That's the kind of conversation I prefer. I can then get closer my friend by understanding their experience better and we can bridge the gap that time apart may have caused.
Laughter wins every time!
One of the best ways to reconnect with people is with humour. Sharing funny events or observations that you can both laugh out loud about is the quickest way to deep connection. Brain chemicals are released with laughter that activate the creative right side of the brain and start an emotional release that allows further emotions to flow. Somehow shared humour can bridge any gap that exists and bring you closer again. It's a great way of reconnecting with others, and sometimes with yourself.
There are so many elements to good and effective communication. I wish they were taught in schools so that it can become a lifelong habit.
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