I am still mulling over Martin Seligman's new definition of Well-being (formerly happiness) which, as you have read, I much prefer to the old one. However, there is one of the components of PERMA that I ponder over for longer as it seems to be very open to interpretation by the individual.
If having "positive relationships" is the most critical factor in Well-being how can we define and measure what that means?
it may sound pretty obvious to most of you but this year has been a time of some introspection for yours truly as our move interstate has meant closing some doors and opening some new ones. Although I often feel that I have left just many doors half ajar and keep popping back into the room to check that I haven't left anything behind!
Let's make this reflection more concrete and try and summarise what positive relationship could possibly consist of:
Someone who has known you for a long time - knows and perhaps shares your history, is familiar with who you are, the good, the bad and the ugly.
as opposed to
Someone who has known you for a short period of time - a new "friend" and has learnt what you have chosen to show them in your brief acquaintance. There is often a honeymoon period associated with these relationships when the novelty value adds to the impression you are purposely trying to create. You are "interesting". A bit like being on your best behaviour. God knows, if we weren't, we'd never make new friends!
Then you have all these other relationships. Which of these add the most value to this element of well-being?
People you can laugh with (and at)
People who you can share intellectual discussions with (a meeting of the minds)
People you can just be with without the need for talk
Someone you see every day and say hello to - part of your familiar routine even though you don't know them well.
Someone you see rarely who may be deeply loved, or just someone whose company you enjoy when you do see them.
Is if your family who can often bring as much 'angst' to your life as pleasure?
Is it someone you care for or someone who cares for you?
Is it someone who accepts you for who you are? Or someone who pushes you to be more than you thought you could be?
Is it someone who has hurt you in the past but whom you have forgiven?
Or someone you want to get to know better?
Is it the people you work with who share your vision and the tough times in your job?
Or the people you celebrate success with?
So it seems to me that there are many layers and categories of positivity in relationships and I would love a direct recipe for which combination is essential to our wellbeing. Because for the last year I have had to accept that I am not in contact with many people I have shared much of my recent life with (about 30 years!) Are they replaceable. Can four superficial friendships replace one deep friendships?
Alas I have not got the answer to this and perhaps Martin Seligman does but to make some sense out of my pondering, I guess it's a case of looking down a list such as this and seeing if there is something that feels like it's missing. And then trying to find a way to fill it. Relationships change and maybe it's a case of retaining the positivity of the past connection and making it fit into a new mould?
Perhaps we can write down names of people who fit the categories we are missing and try and find a way of reconnecting with them, even if for short times.
Ask yourself - am I getting enough "PR" to fit my needs? And if not, go out and get it?
After all it's what makes the world go round.
I would love to hear anyone's comments?I am still mulling over Martin Seligman's new definition of Well-being (formerly happiness) which, as you have read, I much prefer to the old one. However, there is one of the components of PERMA that I ponder over for longer as it seems to be very open to interpretation by the individual.
If having "positive relationships" is the most critical factor in Well-being how can we define and measure what that means?
it may sound pretty obvious to most of you but this year has been a time of some introspection for yours truly as our move interstate has meant closing some doors and opening some new ones. Although I often feel that I have left just many doors half ajar and keep popping back into the room to check that I haven't left anything behind!
Let's make this reflection more concrete and try and summarise what positive relationship could possibly consist of:
Someone who has known you for a long time - knows and perhaps shares your history, is familiar with who you are, the good, the bad and the ugly.
as opposed to
Someone who has known you for a short period of time - a new "friend" and has learnt what you have chosen to show them in your brief acquaintance. There is often a honeymoon period associated with these relationships when the novelty value adds to the impression you are purposely trying to create. You are "interesting". A bit like being on your best behaviour. God knows, if we weren't, we'd never make new friends!
Then you have all these other relationships. Which of these add the most value to this element of well-being?
People you can laugh with (and at - of course with)
People who you can share intellectual discussions with (a meeting of the minds)
People you can just be with without the need for talk
Someone you see every day and say hello to - part of your familiar routine even though you don't know them well.
Someone you see rarely who may be deeply loved, or just someone whose company you enjoy when you do see them.
Is if your family who can often bring as much 'angst' to your life as pleasure?
Is it someone you care for or someone who cares for you?
Is it someone who accepts you for who you are? Or someone who pushes you to be more than you thought you could be?
Is it someone who has hurt you in the past but whom you have forgiven?
Or someone you want to get to know better?
Is it the people you work with who share your vision and the tough times in your job?
Or the people you celebrate success with?
So it seems to me that there are many layers and categories of positivity in relationships and I would love a direct recipe for which combination is essential to our wellbeing. Because for the last year I have had to accept that I am not in contact with many people I have shared much of my recent life with (about 30 years!) Are they replaceable. Can four superficial friendships replace one deep friendships?
Alas I have not got the answer to this and perhaps Martin Seligman does but to make some sense out of my pondering, I guess it's a case of looking down a list such as this and seeing if there is something that feels like it's missing. And then trying to find a way to fill it. Relationships change and maybe it's a case of retaining the positivity of the past connection and making it fit into a new mould?
Perhaps we can write down names of people who fit the categories we are missing and try and find a way of reconnecting with them, even if for short times.
Ask yourself - am I getting enough "PR" to fit my needs? And if not, go out and get it?
After all it's what makes the world go round.
I would love to hear anyone's comments?
