Let it Unfold - or Create Change?

At the start of this year I made a decision to observe two principles:
1. Simplify
2. Let it unfold
These had personal significance to me and I really felt that both were a good way of going into the new year and avoiding the self-inflicted stress of over-complicating my life and a tendency towards, shall we say impatience? They have served me well so far, and I wrote about the first in my last newsletter and my understanding of how simplification could be a good thing. And now I review the year to date, I am realizing that the second, is also open to interpretation as to what it means to the individual – when it’s a good rule to follow and when perhaps life needs a bit of a nudge! 

I think that any clichéd advice such as the two I have pinpointed can be applied to an individual and only have value if that person is in need of a change in attitude, way of living/working. So if there is anyone out there who, like myself, wants everything to happen NOW, the idea of “letting it unfold” can be a great shift to make. If however, a person has a tendency towards inaction, procrastination and indecision, it could simply be a way of letting them off the hook and be a negative way of viewing the world. So again, we come back to “First, know yourself”! If you are feeling uncomfortable with not knowing the outcome of a situation, the first question to ask is:

 • Is it in my power to reveal the outcome sooner? The second one might be:
 • Is there value in my knowing the outcome sooner?

Taking time to reflect on these two things can produce interesting awareness. For example, it may well be a situation that you have no power to change. That the answer lies with someone else and when the time is right, all will be revealed. Not much you can do about it other than let it go! When we make a conscious decision to do this, our anxiety about the outcome reduces. (The Serenity Prayer has not stood the test of time for nothing.)

The second one may produce the answer “yes”. “If I knew more NOW then I could make other decisions and move forward with a Plan.” We love to plan. What lies behind this is the need for control, for self determination and a desire for being in charge of our lives. Nothing wrong with that. But there are times when knowing the outcome of a situation earlier, may not be the best thing. Perhaps other things will change in the coming weeks, months that will provide more information and allow you to make a better decision when the outcome is finally revealed.

This year, for me has been a wonderful year of “letting it unfold”. If I had had the answer earlier, I might not have the opportunities that now exist. When we work with clients, this simple exercise of asking those two questions can be very helpful in letting them decide what action to take and what goals to set. We don’t always help clients move forward. Sometimes we help them sit “in the muck” while life runs its course and they become clearer on what to do. If we understand what this feels like, then our empathy increases.

SIMPLIFY TO ACHIEVE MORE!

Hi everyone,

I have been thinking a lot about how complicated life can become and of the benefits of simplifying life to achieve more, so thought I'd share with you in this newsletter.

Many of us suffer from complete overload of things to think about in our increasingly busy lives. We have deadlines to meet, challenges to overcome and sometimes buried in the midst of this mass of commitments are the goals we want to achieve! Here we are approaching the end of March and how many of us are asking ourselves, “Where is the year going?” Behind this is a sense of time rushing away and a sneaking regret that we still haven’t completed any of the projects we set out to finish in our rush of enthusiasm at the start of the new year!

I can certainly relate to this and I have spent a lot of time reading ideas on how best to structure our time, our workspace, our energy (and even our brain) to get the most out of life and make sure we do get a sense of fulfilment from the completion of unfinished business or plans!

I am learning a lot about how we need to direct our attention to focus clearly on the task at hand but at the same time, know when to apply the brakes and step back from what we are doing when the time is right and our work is unproductive. There is so much fantastic information out there and knowledge to be gained that can really help us live better lives and follow our passions instead of getting caught up in the myriad of smaller jobs that a) we don’t enjoy, and b) don’t use our strengths.

This last week I have great cause to celebrate. I have ticked the box on one of the long outstanding projects that I have had on my list for over a year now! Last January I set out to convert my Level 1 Wellness Coaching workshop into an online version, thinking I would kick it over in a month or so. But life got in the way and here I am – 15 months later (at last) with the final product completed, accredited and ready to be launched! And a huge feeling of achievement and satisfaction – one of the five pillars of wellbeing that Martin Selgiman identifies as being important for many people. If this was so important to me, then why didn’t I get it finished earlier?

If we can step back and look at the choices we make each day as to how to spend our time it can tell us a lot about our operating system (for want of a better term). I believe that we are often caught up in a fast flowing stream that feels like it’s going in the right direction but we haven’t really got time to check in on that or whether there is anything along the way we might like to stop and look at! Our to-do lists become a burdensome picture of guilt, particularly when the majority of items are unchecked each night/week/month (that was certainly the case with my online program!)

There has to be a better way of doing things and I am realising that there is. By a slow and careful process of change in my own daily habits, I am incorporating systems to ensure I have control of how I use my time and energy - no different from helping people choose nutritional or exercise habits that will serve them well in the long time, I am coaching myself to a better way of working (and living) and becoming aware of my tendency to sometimes get lost in the big picture and forget to structure the steps needed to get where I want to go. I am also recognising that there are times that I need to apply the brakes and shift my attention from the task at hand to achieve the kind of life balance that I so wholeheartedly encourage my clients to have. Life isn’t just a goal but it is nice now and again to kick some but certainly to enjoy the game that we play along the way.

Recommended reading:
Getting things done – Steve Allen
Organise your mind – Margaret Moore and Paul Hammersmith

The Power of Conversation

Over this holiday time of year many of us have spent time with family and friends, catching up with loved ones (and others) that we haven't seen for some months and generally trying to "reconnect" in the time we have available. This can produce some wonderful moments and great memories to sustain us through the year. It can also produce some moments of confusion, some re-evaluation of relationships and of course, at times acceptance that we have grown apart sadly from some people we were previously close to. How do we experience all of this? Well most of this awareness comes from simply conversing with people! 
But are we as good as we think we are at helping those conversations flow and produce a mutually enjoyable event? Good communication skills are high on my list of things I would like to pass on to my kids as I really believe that they are an invaluable asset for making life easy and meaningful. 
I was reading a piece by Gary Edwards on this topic that really struck a few chords with me. As a lawyer, he revealed that he had spent the first few years of his marriage "cross examining" his wife! After all he was trained to put forward his case, state his arguments and then dismantle the other person's by use of confrontational questioning. (A good reminder that asking questions is a very useful skill, but the intent behind the questions is also important! And when you think about it, we are taught these same "cross-examining" skills at schools, in debate and use them instinctively in any other situation when we want to win. 
Is there an alternative? Yes, rather than have a winner or a loser, we can always compromise.

The trouble with compromise
In order to avoid confrontation, we will often compromise - accepting that we all have differences and sometimes we have to give in a little.
Or a lot.
And that's the issue. There are times when we feel that we have compromised a lot more than the other person. It can leave us feeling vaguely unsatisfied and unhappy.  Conflict is a part of life as we are all so different, it's the confrontation of the differences that we tend to avoid.
So back to catching up with old friends and family...  
Very often our conversations will lead to discussion of what we've been doing, how we are living which on a surface level seems to be the most important information to impart. But very often that conversation starts to take on a competitive flavour - even though we don't mean it to. This is how easily we can get it wrong. It is in our nature to either compete or cooperate and the desire to do one or the other can cause frustration and lead to compromise. We start to see how conversations can go so wrong.

My author of interest, Gary Edwards refers to what he calls, "The Promise of Potential", where he describes how, as magician, he is aiming to both entertain and amuse people. His interaction with people is viewed as a potential to bring out the fun and laughter in them. I love this description. I would use the term of "The Promise of Possibility" and apply it to any interaction with other people. Any conversation holds the possibility of generating some emotion that will warm both of our hearts. That may involve laughter, that may involve sharing, or even increased awareness and enlightenment; but together we just might get it right and make our respective days (and relationship) brighter.
70% of our time is made up of conversations!

The master skill of this age - Collaboration
Unlike cooperation, collaboration recognises that there are difference and tensions between people and they don't have to be quashed with goodwill in order to work together. When we collaborate we use our strengths and learn to work around our differences. And of course my personal and professional interest in this skill is obvious - after all, collaboration is one of the basic building blocks of good coaching!
Collaborative communication requires respect. And that can be shown in many ways. Simply by listening to what the person has to say and showing them you have heard builds trust. Realising that their viewpoint may be different to ours also requires respect. Recognising that our experience or situation causes use to feel differently about various aspects of life is the first step. 
A personal example  
Many of my friends still have kids at home and their way of living and what they strive for may be quite different to mine as my offspring are now independent.  That can cause a big shift in life and we are often forced into reassessing our values and learning to recognising our changing lifestyle needs. This difference in situation could cause a big gulf in many friendships that may have been based on the sharing of experiences in bringing up our children. But if we converse "collaboratively" and discuss the differences in our situation, we start to understand ourselves better and to respect each other's current position. 
Trivial chat is great for bus stops...
…if you happen to catch a bus. I love nothing more than a quick conversational exchange with people I don't know yet wish to connect with. But when it comes to close friends, I haven' got a lot of patience for endless, meaningless chat which generally does not involve any emotional connection. So instead of hearing what you did, tell me what you feel. How did this year/experience affect you as a person? Are you in a good place or a bad place, or somewhere in between? What do you think you can learn from what's going on? That's the kind of conversation I prefer. I can then get closer my friend by understanding their experience better and we can bridge the gap that time apart may have caused. 
Laughter wins every time!
One of the best ways to reconnect with people is with humour. Sharing funny events or observations that you can both laugh out loud about is the quickest way to deep connection. Brain chemicals are released with laughter that activate the creative right side of the brain and start an emotional release that allows further emotions to flow. Somehow shared humour can bridge any gap that exists and bring you closer again. It's a great way of reconnecting with others, and sometimes with yourself.
There are so many elements to good and effective communication.  I wish they were taught in schools so that it can become a lifelong habit.



Please feel free to post your comments below

WHAT CONSTITUTES A "POSITIVE RELATIONSHIP"?

I am still mulling over Martin Seligman's new definition of Well-being (formerly happiness) which, as you have read, I much prefer to the old one. However, there is one of the components of PERMA that I ponder over for longer as it seems to be very open to interpretation by the individual.
If having "positive relationships" is the most critical factor in Well-being how can we define and measure what that means?
it may sound pretty obvious to most of you but this year has been a time of some introspection for yours truly as our move interstate has meant closing some doors and opening some new ones. Although I often feel that I have left just many doors half ajar and keep popping back into the room to check that I haven't left anything behind!
Let's make this reflection more concrete and try and summarise what positive relationship could possibly consist of:
Someone who has known you for a long time - knows and perhaps shares your history, is familiar with who you are, the good, the bad and the ugly.
as opposed to
Someone who has known you for a short period of time - a new "friend" and has learnt what you have chosen to show them in your brief acquaintance. There is often a honeymoon period associated with these relationships when the novelty value adds to the impression you are purposely trying to create. You are "interesting". A bit like being on your best behaviour. God knows, if we weren't, we'd never make new friends!

Then you have all these other relationships. Which of these add the most value to this element of well-being?
People you can laugh with (and at)
People who you can share intellectual discussions with (a meeting of the minds)
People you can just be with without the need for talk
Someone you see every day and say hello to - part of your familiar routine even though you don't know them well.
Someone you see rarely who may be deeply loved, or just someone whose company you enjoy when you do see them.
Is if your family who can often bring as much 'angst' to your life as pleasure?
Is it someone you care for or someone who cares for you?
Is it someone who accepts you for who you are? Or someone who pushes you to be more than you thought you could be?
Is it someone who has hurt you in the past but whom you have forgiven?
Or someone you want to get to know better?
Is it the people you work with who share your vision and the tough times in your job?
Or the people you celebrate success with?

So it seems to me that there are many layers and categories of positivity in relationships and I would love a direct recipe for which combination is essential to our wellbeing. Because for the last year I have had to accept that I am not in contact with many people I have shared much of my recent life with (about 30 years!) Are they replaceable. Can four superficial friendships replace one deep friendships?
Alas I have not got the answer to this and perhaps Martin Seligman does but to make some sense out of my pondering, I guess it's a case of looking down a list such as this and seeing if there is something that feels like it's missing. And then trying to find a way to fill it. Relationships change and maybe it's a case of retaining the positivity of the past connection and making it fit into a new mould?

Perhaps we can write down names of people who fit the categories we are missing and try and find a way of reconnecting with them, even if for short times.
Ask yourself - am I getting enough "PR" to fit my needs? And if not, go out and get it?
After all it's what makes the world go round.
I would love to hear anyone's comments?I am still mulling over Martin Seligman's new definition of Well-being (formerly happiness) which, as you have read, I much prefer to the old one. However, there is one of the components of PERMA that I ponder over for longer as it seems to be very open to interpretation by the individual.
If having "positive relationships" is the most critical factor in Well-being how can we define and measure what that means?
it may sound pretty obvious to most of you but this year has been a time of some introspection for yours truly as our move interstate has meant closing some doors and opening some new ones. Although I often feel that I have left just many doors half ajar and keep popping back into the room to check that I haven't left anything behind!
Let's make this reflection more concrete and try and summarise what positive relationship could possibly consist of:
Someone who has known you for a long time - knows and perhaps shares your history, is familiar with who you are, the good, the bad and the ugly.
as opposed to
Someone who has known you for a short period of time - a new "friend" and has learnt what you have chosen to show them in your brief acquaintance. There is often a honeymoon period associated with these relationships when the novelty value adds to the impression you are purposely trying to create. You are "interesting". A bit like being on your best behaviour. God knows, if we weren't, we'd never make new friends!

Then you have all these other relationships. Which of these add the most value to this element of well-being?

People you can laugh with (and at - of course with)
People who you can share intellectual discussions with (a meeting of the minds)
People you can just be with without the need for talk
Someone you see every day and say hello to - part of your familiar routine even though you don't know them well.
Someone you see rarely who may be deeply loved, or just someone whose company you enjoy when you do see them.
Is if your family who can often bring as much 'angst' to your life as pleasure?
Is it someone you care for or someone who cares for you?
Is it someone who accepts you for who you are? Or someone who pushes you to be more than you thought you could be?
Is it someone who has hurt you in the past but whom you have forgiven?
Or someone you want to get to know better?
Is it the people you work with who share your vision and the tough times in your job?
Or the people you celebrate success with?

So it seems to me that there are many layers and categories of positivity in relationships and I would love a direct recipe for which combination is essential to our wellbeing. Because for the last year I have had to accept that I am not in contact with many people I have shared much of my recent life with (about 30 years!) Are they replaceable. Can four superficial friendships replace one deep friendships?
Alas I have not got the answer to this and perhaps Martin Seligman does but to make some sense out of my pondering, I guess it's a case of looking down a list such as this and seeing if there is something that feels like it's missing. And then trying to find a way to fill it. Relationships change and maybe it's a case of retaining the positivity of the past connection and making it fit into a new mould?

Perhaps we can write down names of people who fit the categories we are missing and try and find a way of reconnecting with them, even if for short times.
Ask yourself - am I getting enough "PR" to fit my needs? And if not, go out and get it?
After all it's what makes the world go round.
I would love to hear anyone's comments?

I attended the Happiness conference in Brisban a few months ago, and had the privilege of again listening to some outstanding speakers talk on a topic that is very close to my heart! Why wouldn’t it be? After all, isn’t this the aim of everyone alive - to be “happy”? Defining what happiness means is the hard part . The positive psychology movement is really only about 11 years old so it is relatively a very young idea and it is interesting to have witnessed slight changes in focus in the time I have been interested in this area. For example, Dr Martin Seligman, the man responsible for founding the movement has himself changed his approach and in his new book “Flourishing” he explains that the very word “happiness” has become almost diluted, if not polluted by its somewhat trite association with - “being in a cheerful mood”. We can sense (and also hear) Seligman’s distaste for the very popular smiley face symbol and he is at pains to remove his work from that concept. Instead, he now defines happiness as being a “construct” made up of five areas

PERMA
P - positive emotions
E - engagement
R -positive relationships
M - meaning
A - achievement

The latter is interesting because for the first time, he is accepting and acknowledging that people are often driven by the simple need to “achieve” and for some this can be “winning” Although it doesn’t seem like a very noble desire, it is a fact and Seligman, above all else, is all about reality!

Back to the conference. Now, Seligman may have his revered ideas of what happiness is all about but, as individuals, we also have the right to have a thought of two about what we are striving for. Working in the field of health and wellness, I have had a bit of a “thing” since the first year I attended the “Well-being summit” in Washington that not once was the word “health” or “exercise” mentioned! For me, happiness or “well-being isn’t really possible without including a degree of vigorous movement in my life. Simply for the sake of it! Imagination my gratification when not one, but three speakers referred directly to the concept of physical health as being an essential part of happiness. I could have hugged Tony Grant when he said, “if you’re sitting on the couch drinking coke and.... “ it’s pretty hard to be truly “well”. So finally my worlds come together. We use the principles of positive psychology in wellness coaching constantly and it was great to see what we strive for acknowledged. To me, striving for optimal mental well-being won’t cut it. I want to strive for optimal physical well-being too. A guest at The Golden Door recently caught me off guard when she pointed out that if you have a physical illness it’s hard to be truly well. It made me think about my answer carefully but I still hold that even with illness we can strive to adopt habits that adhere to healthy living. And perhaps in cases such as illness, acceptance will bring mental well-being.

So to sum up my reflections on the Happiness Conference - never have I seen so many empathic, tolerant and accepting people in one place - after all the Dalai Lama was a keynote speaker. But we must all find our own recipe for “well-being”. For me, I can sum up the top three. I will not be truly happy unless I have Laughter, Love and Exercise. But that’s just me! And perhaps they are a reflection of my values rather than a recipe for optimal well-being. Or perhaps they are a means to an end! Whatever it is for you, work it out and go and get it.