WHAT CONSTITUTES A "POSITIVE RELATIONSHIP"?

I am still mulling over Martin Seligman's new definition of Well-being (formerly happiness) which, as you have read, I much prefer to the old one. However, there is one of the components of PERMA that I ponder over for longer as it seems to be very open to interpretation by the individual.
If having "positive relationships" is the most critical factor in Well-being how can we define and measure what that means?
it may sound pretty obvious to most of you but this year has been a time of some introspection for yours truly as our move interstate has meant closing some doors and opening some new ones. Although I often feel that I have left just many doors half ajar and keep popping back into the room to check that I haven't left anything behind!
Let's make this reflection more concrete and try and summarise what positive relationship could possibly consist of:
Someone who has known you for a long time - knows and perhaps shares your history, is familiar with who you are, the good, the bad and the ugly.
as opposed to
Someone who has known you for a short period of time - a new "friend" and has learnt what you have chosen to show them in your brief acquaintance. There is often a honeymoon period associated with these relationships when the novelty value adds to the impression you are purposely trying to create. You are "interesting". A bit like being on your best behaviour. God knows, if we weren't, we'd never make new friends!

Then you have all these other relationships. Which of these add the most value to this element of well-being?
People you can laugh with (and at)
People who you can share intellectual discussions with (a meeting of the minds)
People you can just be with without the need for talk
Someone you see every day and say hello to - part of your familiar routine even though you don't know them well.
Someone you see rarely who may be deeply loved, or just someone whose company you enjoy when you do see them.
Is if your family who can often bring as much 'angst' to your life as pleasure?
Is it someone you care for or someone who cares for you?
Is it someone who accepts you for who you are? Or someone who pushes you to be more than you thought you could be?
Is it someone who has hurt you in the past but whom you have forgiven?
Or someone you want to get to know better?
Is it the people you work with who share your vision and the tough times in your job?
Or the people you celebrate success with?

So it seems to me that there are many layers and categories of positivity in relationships and I would love a direct recipe for which combination is essential to our wellbeing. Because for the last year I have had to accept that I am not in contact with many people I have shared much of my recent life with (about 30 years!) Are they replaceable. Can four superficial friendships replace one deep friendships?
Alas I have not got the answer to this and perhaps Martin Seligman does but to make some sense out of my pondering, I guess it's a case of looking down a list such as this and seeing if there is something that feels like it's missing. And then trying to find a way to fill it. Relationships change and maybe it's a case of retaining the positivity of the past connection and making it fit into a new mould?

Perhaps we can write down names of people who fit the categories we are missing and try and find a way of reconnecting with them, even if for short times.
Ask yourself - am I getting enough "PR" to fit my needs? And if not, go out and get it?
After all it's what makes the world go round.
I would love to hear anyone's comments?I am still mulling over Martin Seligman's new definition of Well-being (formerly happiness) which, as you have read, I much prefer to the old one. However, there is one of the components of PERMA that I ponder over for longer as it seems to be very open to interpretation by the individual.
If having "positive relationships" is the most critical factor in Well-being how can we define and measure what that means?
it may sound pretty obvious to most of you but this year has been a time of some introspection for yours truly as our move interstate has meant closing some doors and opening some new ones. Although I often feel that I have left just many doors half ajar and keep popping back into the room to check that I haven't left anything behind!
Let's make this reflection more concrete and try and summarise what positive relationship could possibly consist of:
Someone who has known you for a long time - knows and perhaps shares your history, is familiar with who you are, the good, the bad and the ugly.
as opposed to
Someone who has known you for a short period of time - a new "friend" and has learnt what you have chosen to show them in your brief acquaintance. There is often a honeymoon period associated with these relationships when the novelty value adds to the impression you are purposely trying to create. You are "interesting". A bit like being on your best behaviour. God knows, if we weren't, we'd never make new friends!

Then you have all these other relationships. Which of these add the most value to this element of well-being?

People you can laugh with (and at - of course with)
People who you can share intellectual discussions with (a meeting of the minds)
People you can just be with without the need for talk
Someone you see every day and say hello to - part of your familiar routine even though you don't know them well.
Someone you see rarely who may be deeply loved, or just someone whose company you enjoy when you do see them.
Is if your family who can often bring as much 'angst' to your life as pleasure?
Is it someone you care for or someone who cares for you?
Is it someone who accepts you for who you are? Or someone who pushes you to be more than you thought you could be?
Is it someone who has hurt you in the past but whom you have forgiven?
Or someone you want to get to know better?
Is it the people you work with who share your vision and the tough times in your job?
Or the people you celebrate success with?

So it seems to me that there are many layers and categories of positivity in relationships and I would love a direct recipe for which combination is essential to our wellbeing. Because for the last year I have had to accept that I am not in contact with many people I have shared much of my recent life with (about 30 years!) Are they replaceable. Can four superficial friendships replace one deep friendships?
Alas I have not got the answer to this and perhaps Martin Seligman does but to make some sense out of my pondering, I guess it's a case of looking down a list such as this and seeing if there is something that feels like it's missing. And then trying to find a way to fill it. Relationships change and maybe it's a case of retaining the positivity of the past connection and making it fit into a new mould?

Perhaps we can write down names of people who fit the categories we are missing and try and find a way of reconnecting with them, even if for short times.
Ask yourself - am I getting enough "PR" to fit my needs? And if not, go out and get it?
After all it's what makes the world go round.
I would love to hear anyone's comments?

I attended the Happiness conference in Brisban a few months ago, and had the privilege of again listening to some outstanding speakers talk on a topic that is very close to my heart! Why wouldn’t it be? After all, isn’t this the aim of everyone alive - to be “happy”? Defining what happiness means is the hard part . The positive psychology movement is really only about 11 years old so it is relatively a very young idea and it is interesting to have witnessed slight changes in focus in the time I have been interested in this area. For example, Dr Martin Seligman, the man responsible for founding the movement has himself changed his approach and in his new book “Flourishing” he explains that the very word “happiness” has become almost diluted, if not polluted by its somewhat trite association with - “being in a cheerful mood”. We can sense (and also hear) Seligman’s distaste for the very popular smiley face symbol and he is at pains to remove his work from that concept. Instead, he now defines happiness as being a “construct” made up of five areas

PERMA
P - positive emotions
E - engagement
R -positive relationships
M - meaning
A - achievement

The latter is interesting because for the first time, he is accepting and acknowledging that people are often driven by the simple need to “achieve” and for some this can be “winning” Although it doesn’t seem like a very noble desire, it is a fact and Seligman, above all else, is all about reality!

Back to the conference. Now, Seligman may have his revered ideas of what happiness is all about but, as individuals, we also have the right to have a thought of two about what we are striving for. Working in the field of health and wellness, I have had a bit of a “thing” since the first year I attended the “Well-being summit” in Washington that not once was the word “health” or “exercise” mentioned! For me, happiness or “well-being isn’t really possible without including a degree of vigorous movement in my life. Simply for the sake of it! Imagination my gratification when not one, but three speakers referred directly to the concept of physical health as being an essential part of happiness. I could have hugged Tony Grant when he said, “if you’re sitting on the couch drinking coke and.... “ it’s pretty hard to be truly “well”. So finally my worlds come together. We use the principles of positive psychology in wellness coaching constantly and it was great to see what we strive for acknowledged. To me, striving for optimal mental well-being won’t cut it. I want to strive for optimal physical well-being too. A guest at The Golden Door recently caught me off guard when she pointed out that if you have a physical illness it’s hard to be truly well. It made me think about my answer carefully but I still hold that even with illness we can strive to adopt habits that adhere to healthy living. And perhaps in cases such as illness, acceptance will bring mental well-being.

So to sum up my reflections on the Happiness Conference - never have I seen so many empathic, tolerant and accepting people in one place - after all the Dalai Lama was a keynote speaker. But we must all find our own recipe for “well-being”. For me, I can sum up the top three. I will not be truly happy unless I have Laughter, Love and Exercise. But that’s just me! And perhaps they are a reflection of my values rather than a recipe for optimal well-being. Or perhaps they are a means to an end! Whatever it is for you, work it out and go and get it.

DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY! - HELPING YOUR CLIENTS DEAL WITH ANXIETY

It has been some months since I heard Sarah Edelman speak at The Happiness Conference (which Martin Seligman would no doubt change to the Wellbeing Conference if he had his way as this is the new term he uses in preference to the one that conjures up happy, smiling faces). Since then I have been keen to pass on some of the very valuable content of her session because of its relevance and practicality to our work. Anxiety and worry are such household terms and common complaints that we cannot ignore their existence in today's world, nor can we leave them solely to the mental health workers. If we are to live up to our name and be true wellness coaches, we must become proficient and capable in both recognising anxiety when it can be alleviated by habitual practices, and when it is out of our sphere of control and referral is necessary.

I used to think that panic attacks were something that people experienced when they were really not mentally "well". I now think differently as I hear quite frequently, clients describing times when palpitations and feeling of shortness of breath, plus extreme anxiety can stop them in their tracks. It is a fact of life that our responsibilities and our expectations have increased and the complexity of our very existence has pushed many to the brink of occasional dysfunction due to perceived threats around them.

And this is where anxiety comes from - a perceived threat. How can we be threatened when we are standing in a shopping centre surrounded by people you might ask? Evolution has favoured anxiety as those who "watch their back" tend to survive longer. Anxiety produces a fight or flight response that galvanises us to action and helps us focus on the threat at hand. We are alert and can move quickly.

However, these days the threat is more often to our emotional safety then our physical safety and stress is caused by deadlines, pressure at work, demanding people, financial worry and the need to be in control! The flight or flight response is not useful at times like this as it activates the sympathetic nervous system which is all about defensiveness, increased pulse rate and breathing, guilt - and can lead to depression and of course anxiety. When this happens frequently, it becomes what is termed an "anxiety disorder" and can attack the very fabric of our well-being.

Generalised anxiety disorder is one of the more common disorders and is often called the "Worrying disorder". When we worry constantly we are paying frequent attention to possible threats and it can cause restlessness, lack of ability to concentrate, sleep disturbance and muscle tension. Many people live with it for years. A simple occurrence can set the worrier off on a, "What if… ?" tangent and they often catastrophise ambiguous events.

Responses to constant worrying can be negative thought patterns, any unpleasant physical symptoms including tiredness, avoidance of common situations that cause fear by drinking, eating, smoking or other addictive behaviours, or the need for excessive control.

Behavioural Strategies for AnxietyConfront your fears: avoiding them strengthens our fear over time and makes us less able to cope when we have to. Identify what you have been avoiding and expose yourself to the things you are afraid of gradually.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation: releasing tension in this way can reduce anxiety as it is impossible to be physically relaxed and anxious at the same time. Becoming familiar with how our body is working and recognising tension can prevent it from building up.

Meditation: releasing our mind and therefore releasing stressful thoughts. Mindfulness has received much attention as it can be useful in managing various conditions. It involves bringing conscious awareness to our present experience - particularly sensory experience such as breathing and also non-judgmental awareness of our thoughts and bodily sensations. Observing them helps us to disengage with them!

Dealing with Worry:Challenging Catastrophic Thoughts: If we can realise that our thoughts may well be leading us astray, we can challenge their reality. Ask questions such as:
▪ What are the facts?
▪ How am I interpreting them?
▪ Is there any evidence to support this?
▪ What would someone (calmer, more rational) think?
▪ Are my thoughts based on facts or feigns?
▪ What is the worst think that can happen (realistically)?
▪ What is the best thing that can happen?

Common beliefs about the benefits of worry: this may sound strange but many people think that worrying somehow protects them and makes them less vulnerable. Here are some common beliefs:

Worrying prepares me for the worst? Does it? or does it simply cause us more heartache in the present when the event may never happen?

Worrying is a form of problem solving. Not for many. It is more likely to be represent pointless rumination that leads to no action. A big difference.

Worrying can prevent bad things from happening? Really??

Worrying is a positive personality trait - it means I'm caring. Hmm.. perhaps there are more productive ways to show that you care.

Identifying any beliefs like these can be the first step to testing the and changing them.

This is a complex area for us to deal with as health and fitness professionals.

How does the way we coach fit in?
I presented this week at the HPM congress on the results of Boyatzis research that shows that positive coaching actually causes the brain to light up in different ways and the Positive Emotional Attractors it arouses in our brain can activate the parasympathetic nervous system that causes the exact opposite effect to worrying! It opens up our focus and increases hope and optimism that in turn creates new possibilities. In short, it helps us prepare for and engage in sustained desired change.

How can coaching ever be undervalued? But positive coaching differs from coaching for compliance which is all about "fixing weaknesses" and directing the client to take the next step. There is a big difference. Let's help our clients become aware of the tendency to worry and help them realise how this an shut down their worlds and with our skill set open them up to an exciting future filled with a degree of uncertainty but loads of exciting possibilities!

Reference: Sarah Edelman, Change your thinking
Richard Boyatzis, Intentional Change Theory

Is Fear an Emotion we can live without?

We might be tempted to answer "YES!" Who wants to be scared? How weak is that! Yet when we think about it, fear is one of the strongest motivators there is. It can do one of two things - it can energise us to act and move in a certain direction (away from the sabre tooth tiger) or paralyse us into inaction - to freeze. Both can be useful at the right time, depending on how fast we run, or whether the tiger is less likely to attack a stationery prey! So if we accept that fear is a necessary emotion, if not desirable..

What can we learn from fear?
Gerald Jambolswy writes that all negative emotions come from fear. He also says that the opposite of fear is love and that if we can replace one with the other, we will live a happy, productive life. Now that may sound like a bit of a stretch for some of us but the concept is clear.

Think of a few negative emotions - hatred, jealousy, anger, regret. When we think of times we have experienced these and explore what was behind them we can often find a fear element in each. This is an uncomfortable question for people who like to think of themselves as "strong". After all, anger is a big righteous emotion at times but dig a few layers down and we can usually uncover a fear of some kind. - very often of loss. I found it an interesting way of reframing these emotional energy drains that occur now and again, whether we like them or not. And even more useful was the realisation that everyone else experiences the same mixture so when people act in a seemingly unpleasant way (towards us), they too are probably coming from a place of fear. This certainly makes it easier to understand and possibly to forgive or accept their behaviours. It also makes the notion of replacing fear with love somewhat more achievable. After all, if we can understand that someone who is upsetting us is also acting from fear, then it makes it easier to experience compassion.

Can emotions be intellectualised like this?
I can understand that for some people, dissecting why we experience certain feelings can be just too analytical and they might argue that our emotions are part of who we are and should be allowed to "run wild and free" for want of a better description. To try and change or explain these emotions is going against our natural tendencies. Yet it it has been my experience that when I am going through troubled times, or feeling out of kilter for any reason, I like to do a bit of introspection to work out what the real cause of my uneasiness or unhappiness is. "Seek first to understand" would be my policy and I would direct this understanding towards myself! After all, it's all about me - at least in this instance. By spending time checking into this idea of fear being replaceable by love, I have acquired another tool to reduce anxiety. It has also helped me to get closer to that desirable place of accepting other people by realising that they too may be simply scared of losing something!

How can we turn fear into a useful emotion?
What we're discussing above is when other people cause our negativity. There are times when fear can simply stop us from taking action and have nothing to do with anyone else. Susan Jeffers landmark book, "Feel the fear and do it anyway" wasn't a best seller by sheer chance. The tittle spoke to anyone who has ever felt that they are missing out of something by being too scared to act. The book has wonderful messages and advice about how to channel our fear into more positive emotions and how small adjustments in our thinking can help this happen. I recall the part where she suggests that making a list of things we are worried about, then re-writing the list with the words "I worry that……." being replied with "I wonder if…." could create such a difference in perception of our situation and move us more towards acceptance of outcomes.

So when I find myself feeling fear I like now to think of it as a challenge that has been sent my way because it is exactly what I need to face at this point in my life. . I like to try and detect what lesson is being delivered and what my fear is telling me I need to learn. That small shift can turn a negative into a positive for me and I can sense the excitement of challenge instead of the freeze of fear.

Isn't this a little weak to admit to clients who hire us as coaches?
I think not. The best way of coaching anyone is to get as close to understanding what they are experiencing as we can. If life runs smoothly and we are always in control of our emotions, how can we possibly relate to anyone else who seeks change?
After all, we are in this world together.

These last few months have given me good reason to come face to face with change and get to know my own response to a shifting framework, of circumstances and surroundings, if not lifestyle habits. I have recently taken up a new position and am in charge of a group of Health retreats and spas called The Golden Door which has necessitated a move interstate with all associated chaos. When faced with challenge in my personal life, I am reminded of the experience of my clients - or anyone who wants to move towards more fulfilment and satisfaction in their life. The reality is that change is hard. It means leaving some things behind and replacing then with new routines, people and sometimes possessions. And of course these latter things can be very exciting. Yet human nature has this strange contradiction. To again fall back on my old "friend", Hugh MacKay's musings, "On one hand we seem to crave stability, ritual, repetition and the comfort of the familiar and the predictable.. yet on the other hand, we seem to be constantly yearning for things to be different." Never has this rung more true to me! And I feel that it is exactly this dilemma that creates the struggle for people who want to live in a different way - deal with stress better, be more active, eat a healthier diet, yet find it confronting to give up their regular way of living, eating, moving.

HOW DO WE SUSTAIN CHANGE?
So while I try and balance the mixed emotions of excitement and nervousness that my change in circumstances has created with the inevitable upheaval and emotional cost of leaving people and possessions behind, I am also thrown into a world where I am involved in programs that expose our guests at Golden Door to sudden change, (even if temporary). People come to the health retreats for many reasons - it might simply be a rest and a detox for their bodies (and minds), or because they want to go away revitalised. However, I also feel that many are looking for redirection as well as revitalisation and this is where I see the opportunities lie.

During their 5 or 7 day stay, our guests have time to take stock and set some new goals about where they would like to create change in their lives. Many people come in highly stressed and go through a gradual process of unwinding, detoxing, and letting go of the everyday cares that go with often overly busy lives. By the time they leave, they may experience a shift in body posture, their smiles soften and the energy in the retreat changes. It is a wonderful time for those who choose to give themselves this break. Mainly women, but the men who join us get as much out of the program as their female counterparts. It has often been their wives who have booked them in!

I remember the feeling well of going home after five days at Elysia some years ago now, and wanting to retain the "clean" feeling but it was difficult and life quickly took up its rapid pace and stress returned. The new habits that I wanted to develop somehow got pushed to the side and even though I had a relatively healthy life compared to many, I found it hard not to revert to the familiar routine of let's say, overworking and under-relaxing!

The role that Wellness Coaching can play
Wouldn't it be great if we could get the support of a coach to help us through the stage of change where we develop a routine that eventually becomes automatic and our new lifestyle habits stick? Why isn't this possible? I believe that the health retreat of the future (the near future) will offer this service. The only way we can sustain a change in habits is to practice the new ones diligently. A coach can help by providing accountability, support and at times, information. So people who take that precious time out the their lives to reset their direction, can know that they will be supported on their return home when the real work is done to make new routines as automatic and familiar as the old ones. I can see so many opportunities to combine coaching programs with the concept of an intensive retreat and plan to make the most of this new platform to promote change in individuals through the means of a coaching relationship.

What about the people who seems to thrive on stress and run on nervous energy?
I believe that the need for excitement, challenge and stimulus is greater in some than in others and our restlessness is a personality trait that is very common and individual. The need for peace, calm and stability are very personal and for many of us, learning to find our centre and take time out regularly for contemplation is enough to retain our equilibrium and to balance the desire at times to be within our comfort zones, yet constantly moving out of them. Perhaps this is a more worthwhile goal than constant simplification, slowing down and chilling out!

WHAT STOPS US FROM CONNECTING WITH PEOPLE?

I wrote an ebook for our business members recently entitled "Connecting with People" and it made me think seriously about why we often find this so difficult if it is one of our basic drives. Most of us will take part in superficial conversation quite comfortably (although there are others who are not happy even doing this). But when we start to get into the "heavier" stuff, it can be uncomfortable for many of us. If we agree that life is much richer when share, and that relationships are the building blocks towards a fulfilled life, then we have to put some effort into creating and nurturing them. Yet all too often we leave a meeting/encounter with the sense that we kind of "missed the mark" and feel somewhat lonely, unheard or have a sense that something important wasn't said. Why is this so?

Here are 10 observations of the challenges we face or the thoughts that go through our head and some potential solutions:

1. IT'S EASIER TO TALK ABOUT FACTS THAN EMOTIONS
We enjoy sharing our knowledge with others. But where's the value in commenting on what's going on in the world, your life or even the weather unless we say something about how what effect that has on us? Or what we think about it? Our friends might as well watch the news. Sharing our feelings and perceptions of events doesn't mean we're making it all "about us" - instead we allow people to learn more about us and we become colourful and real, instead of one-dimensional fact machines.

2. WE DON'T WANT TO BE ACCUSED OF GOSSIP OR ENGAGING IN IDLE CHAT ABOUT OTHERS
Of course we don't. But people are part of our lives and how we react or respond to others says a lot about who we are. And others want to know who we are! Expressing concern, interest or enquiry about the other people in our world is a way of building our community and showing that we do care. Talking about our relationships with a third party can often be a great way of working out how we're feeling and recognising our own part in perhaps a conflict or other disagreement. We do need to avoid falling into the trap of criticising, or judging and not to allow our conversation partner to steer the discussion in that direction.

3. WE DON'T LIKE TALKING ABOUT OUR FEELINGS
Some people love to and some people hate to. Admitting to having feelings can reveal weakness. And it doesn't matter whether the feelings are good - like satisfaction or pride, or bad, like shame, fear, anxiety or loss. And yet, once again, having the privilege of a close friend sharing on a level that goes beyond superficial is a gift. I was once part of a group of people who got together to informally support and work through, let's say, a stage of life. It was a rewarding time spent together yet there was one person in the group who eventually everyone owned up to feeling a little uncomfortable with. We started to recognise that although that person was a good listener and undoubtably sympathetic and supportive, she never shared any details of her life. So we felt shut out and a bit like the floor show. Sharing has to be two way.

4. WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WE ARE FEELING
Now that's an obstacle that's fairly common. If you think that applies to you, start trying out a few possibilities. Some people simply don't have the language to describe their feelings and as coaches we can often help by translating a "noise" a client makes into a helpful reflection. "So you're feeling frustrated with the situation?" YES they say with relief. If you are not sure what's going on inside, try brainstorming a few ideas with someone you're close to. Acknowledgment of a strong emotion is the first step to working with it.

5. TALKING ABOUT IT DOESN'T MAKE IT BETTER
No one has suggested that another person has the power to "make it all right". But gaining the support and kind ear of another can ease our pain or annoyance. And if they're very perceptive, they may be able to help us come up with some action that can help us more towards more positive emotions. "Complicated" grief is caused when a person is unable to recognise the feelings of loss and they push the sadness to one side. It doesn't go away and we don't learn to live with it until we look it in the face and accept it for what it is.

6. WHY WOULD ANYONE BE INTERESTED IN OUR PROBLEMS?
People are intrinsically interested in others. Or the ones we want to know are.

7. IT'S MUCH BETTER TO KEEP IT LIGHT
Sure if you want to live your life at a shallow level. We don't have to wallow in daily discussions of emotional hogwash, but people are very complex and interesting and there is great value on pondering the big questions now and again.

8. I DON'T GET A WORD IN
Take a deep breath and say loudly, "It's my turn". Or hold up your hand. This can work. Conversation should be equally shared. Monoloques or soliloquies are for the stage.

9. MY FRIENDS AREN'T "SHARERS"
Ask some open ended questions and avoid answering them yourself. Learn to be comfortable with silence. Even the most silent types will break eventually and give out some information.

10. I JUST DON'T HAVE THE TIME
If you haven't got time to connect with people, then you're taking up valuable air space. You could find a cave or a mountain top and spend some time there. But don't expect people to have time for you should you feel the need for help, support or communication.

Connecting with others makes our lives richer and can only improve our relationships. So why not take the time out to connect with someone more effectively today?

WELLNESS COACHING - CAN THIS WORK IN A GROUP SETTING?

Why would a group setting be as good as (if not better) then one on one coaching where an individual gets more attention? There are many reasons why group work can be very effective and an ideal way to start your coaching service.

AFFORDABLE - the cost is spread and the coach can earn a higher hourly rate.
TIME EFFICIENT - in one session, many peope can achieve the motivation to change.
ENERGY - when a group is formed, it creates its own energy which is sometimes greater than the sum of the whole!
GROUP DYNAMICS - each group will work in a different way and the dynamics at any one time can be intriguing and challenging.
LESS THREATENING - many people prefer to be "one of a crowd" and to speak when they are ready rather than have the whole focus on them.
SUPPORT AND ACCOUNTABILITY - this is greater than what we'd get from a coach alone and can be enormously effective. There are a whole set of people to report to.
OPPORTUNITY TO CONTRIBUTE - A bye product of being part of a group is that group members have the chance to help others.
REALISATION THAT WE ARE NOT ALONE - this also can be powerful as we listen to other people's struggle with change. We may well hear our own story voiced by others.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT - when successes (or challenges) are experienced, the group will acknowledge this.
SENSE OF BELONGING - we thrive on belonging to a group or community which is so often missed in today's isolated society.
PLACE TO CELEBRATE SUCCESS - a bigger cheer when we achieve a goal.
CHANCE TO LEARN BOUNDARIES - a lot of learning takes place in a group as we learn respect for others and a good coach will help the group define appropriate boundaries which so often are crossed in our lives.

Have I convinced you? Great - because I am becoming more convinced as time passes that we have a huge opportunity not only to help our clients but to create a community. We have all heard of the concept of a "tribe" - a large group of avid supporters and followers (of our business, our ideas, our industry). Hugh McKay points out that whereas our identity is often group based, it is actually the small groups ("herds") who have the power to create change and a herd would be a group of about 8-10 people. Just the right size for group coaching! Being part of such a small group can "nurture our confidence and self respect". I would say our coaching programs have the potential to foster and encourage big changes in both the individuals and community that they belong to. Which is why I am strongly supporting all coaches to think about setting up a program that brings people together, is more affordable and incredibly rewarding to facilitate.

WHY WE NEED TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY
I have written a lot on the topic of motivation in recent newsletters - which is essential to our understanding of human behaviour, both as coaches and as individuals who may be striving for a change in lifestyle habits and a way of being in the world. but finding it difficult to stop being "tripped up". Just when I think I have read all the current literature on the topic, I find yet another great publication, this one by Hugh MacKay, the prolific Australia sociologist who throws another curve ball at us. MacKay, in his book "What makes us tick" describes ten desires that drive us to do with we do. There is a lot of overlap between Mackay, Daniel Pink and the Heath brothers in their analysis of the deep motivators in our lives but I really like "What make us tick" as it makes the distinction between what we need and what we want. It is the latter that makes us choose how we live and ultimately how society operates. These drivers are not about survival, they are about choices.

THE DESIRE TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY
This is the first of the ten but it deserves special consideration as it is so important and so often overlooked. When I read this first chapter I could relate it to so many situations where sometimes dysfunctional behaviour arises from the burning desire to "count", to be acknowledged, identified, appreciated, remembered. It also made me think of how this unmet desire can adversely affect relationships with each other, at home and at work and how a better understanding of this can lead to a better understanding of each other.

Key points:

• Although we like to fit in and take part in many similar activities and behaviours, we yearn to be "known for the ways in which we differ from each other". This is the main reason why whe racism and sexism for example, when aimed at us, cause us such grief. We do not want to be marginalised, minimalised or lumped in a bunch!

• People need to maintain their own identity even when part of a group, partnership, team or other collective entity.

• Teenagers struggle with not being taken seriously more than other age groups.

• Some people are hungrier for recognition than others due to past trauma, neglect or disappointment and will seek it out much more actively and be wounded when they don't get it.

• Self obsession, arrogance and narcissism are all perversions of our need for recognition.

• Although hardship and the occasional put down can spur us on to regain our self respect and succeed, in many cases people will seek respect in a number of ways ranging from success in sport, finance, comedy or even by committing some of the worst crimes imaginable.

• People who have been put down a lot in life will tend to do the same to others, as if paying back the injustice they have experienced.

• Minority groups thrive on persecution simply because they are being noticed!

• The best form of recognition does not come from praise or rewards.

What is the most effective way to take someone seriously?

TO LISTEN TO THEM! As always, many of these observations of human nature back up the reason why coaching works. To listen to someone is to give them the greatest gift of all and it is not a natural skill. Whether it is through counselling or coaching, many people will get the greatest benefit because someone was committed to listen to their story and to accept them for who they Are.

This reminds me why I love working in the area of coaching and also backs up the need for these communication skills to be taught in all areas of life - schools, corporations, families, friendships - pretty much anywhere we have contact with others. Could your life improve with more exposure to this skill set?

COACHING LIGHTS UP THE BRAIN

Coaching is being used widely to promote learning and growth. In health and wellness, we know that our clients are more likely to achieve lasting changes in lifestyle behaviours, In the corporate world, coaching can improve the smooth running of the organisation, produce higher productivity and potentially more profit. In schools, better learning and student performance have been seen and in the medical world, Doctors nurses and other healthcare professionals are “connecting” more with their patients. We know that coaching works, we also know that a lot is done in the name of coaching that isn’t necessarily following the key principles of the coaching model.

After listening to Richard Boyatzis speak late last year at a conference, I recently read a report on his research which provides hard evidence of the effects of coaching on a person’s brain, by using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI).  I felt excited enough to pass this on as we often struggle to explain and justify why coaching is a better approach.

To create any change, it is essential for a person to be able to imagine possibilities. How could things be different? Often the first question we ask is, “How would you like things to be?”  Depending on what has gone before, or how resistant a person is to change, this question can produce widely differing results.

“Coaching with compassion” is a term coined by the researchers, Richard Boyatzis and Anthony Jack which emphasizes focusing on the individual’s own goals, rather than following the coaches' agenda.  Their research is aimed at showing how coaching, (in its purest sense) can open up the coached person’s brain to “consider possibilities” and hence, increase learning, rather than to become defensive and close down. This will often happen in a typical performance review when the individual is asked to focus on their deficiencies and weaknesses.

By seeking to arouse a “positive Emotional Attractor” a coach can help create positive emotions and the consideration of change. If the coach tries to “fix” the problem or emphasizes flaws or other shortcomings, the opposite will happen the Negative Emotional Attractor will be activated., diminishing the possibility of change or learning.

The experiments involved groups of students who were coached by two people using very different styles. One coach asked questions which focused on envisaging a positive future and the other focused on “a person’s failing and what they ought to do”. The brain scanner was used a week later when the students were shown a video of the coach they had seen the previous week. Sure enough, 7 days later, the students who interacted with the more “compassionate” coach had more positive brain activity – what they refer to as “visioning” – ie contemplating possibilities then those who had worked with a more negatively focused “coach”. (Not a coach as far as I’m concerned!) The other interesting fact was that even when neutral questions were asked, the initial interaction still affected the students’ responses. Which shows that by simply talking to a person about their desired, personal vision for 30 minutes, that interpersonal relationship will produce a positive response when the person chats to the coach about even neutral topics.

HOW CAN WE SIMPLIFY THESE FINDINGS?
Whatever position you hold, when you interact with a client, an employee, a team member, with the view of helping them improve some area of their life or work, if you focus on deficiencies, shortcomings or failings, or approach them with your solution, you will shut down their ability to even imagine a change, let alone create one! However, if we engage with them in a positive, facilitative manner that helps them envisage a more positive future, their brain will switch on in a completely different way and the likelihood of their moving forward is so much greater.

What better evidence to support a shift to a coaching approach and the need to train more people in coaching skills?