I wrote an ebook for our business members recently entitled "Connecting with People" and it made me think seriously about why we often find this so difficult if it is one of our basic drives. Most of us will take part in superficial conversation quite comfortably (although there are others who are not happy even doing this). But when we start to get into the "heavier" stuff, it can be uncomfortable for many of us. If we agree that life is much richer when share, and that relationships are the building blocks towards a fulfilled life, then we have to put some effort into creating and nurturing them. Yet all too often we leave a meeting/encounter with the sense that we kind of "missed the mark" and feel somewhat lonely, unheard or have a sense that something important wasn't said. Why is this so?
Here are 10 observations of the challenges we face or the thoughts that go through our head and some potential solutions:
1. IT'S EASIER TO TALK ABOUT FACTS THAN EMOTIONS
We enjoy sharing our knowledge with others. But where's the value in commenting on what's going on in the world, your life or even the weather unless we say something about how what effect that has on us? Or what we think about it? Our friends might as well watch the news. Sharing our feelings and perceptions of events doesn't mean we're making it all "about us" - instead we allow people to learn more about us and we become colourful and real, instead of one-dimensional fact machines.
2. WE DON'T WANT TO BE ACCUSED OF GOSSIP OR ENGAGING IN IDLE CHAT ABOUT OTHERS
Of course we don't. But people are part of our lives and how we react or respond to others says a lot about who we are. And others want to know who we are! Expressing concern, interest or enquiry about the other people in our world is a way of building our community and showing that we do care. Talking about our relationships with a third party can often be a great way of working out how we're feeling and recognising our own part in perhaps a conflict or other disagreement. We do need to avoid falling into the trap of criticising, or judging and not to allow our conversation partner to steer the discussion in that direction.
3. WE DON'T LIKE TALKING ABOUT OUR FEELINGS
Some people love to and some people hate to. Admitting to having feelings can reveal weakness. And it doesn't matter whether the feelings are good - like satisfaction or pride, or bad, like shame, fear, anxiety or loss. And yet, once again, having the privilege of a close friend sharing on a level that goes beyond superficial is a gift. I was once part of a group of people who got together to informally support and work through, let's say, a stage of life. It was a rewarding time spent together yet there was one person in the group who eventually everyone owned up to feeling a little uncomfortable with. We started to recognise that although that person was a good listener and undoubtably sympathetic and supportive, she never shared any details of her life. So we felt shut out and a bit like the floor show. Sharing has to be two way.
4. WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WE ARE FEELING
Now that's an obstacle that's fairly common. If you think that applies to you, start trying out a few possibilities. Some people simply don't have the language to describe their feelings and as coaches we can often help by translating a "noise" a client makes into a helpful reflection. "So you're feeling frustrated with the situation?" YES they say with relief. If you are not sure what's going on inside, try brainstorming a few ideas with someone you're close to. Acknowledgment of a strong emotion is the first step to working with it.
5. TALKING ABOUT IT DOESN'T MAKE IT BETTER
No one has suggested that another person has the power to "make it all right". But gaining the support and kind ear of another can ease our pain or annoyance. And if they're very perceptive, they may be able to help us come up with some action that can help us more towards more positive emotions. "Complicated" grief is caused when a person is unable to recognise the feelings of loss and they push the sadness to one side. It doesn't go away and we don't learn to live with it until we look it in the face and accept it for what it is.
6. WHY WOULD ANYONE BE INTERESTED IN OUR PROBLEMS?
People are intrinsically interested in others. Or the ones we want to know are.
7. IT'S MUCH BETTER TO KEEP IT LIGHT
Sure if you want to live your life at a shallow level. We don't have to wallow in daily discussions of emotional hogwash, but people are very complex and interesting and there is great value on pondering the big questions now and again.
8. I DON'T GET A WORD IN
Take a deep breath and say loudly, "It's my turn". Or hold up your hand. This can work. Conversation should be equally shared. Monoloques or soliloquies are for the stage.
9. MY FRIENDS AREN'T "SHARERS"
Ask some open ended questions and avoid answering them yourself. Learn to be comfortable with silence. Even the most silent types will break eventually and give out some information.
10. I JUST DON'T HAVE THE TIME
If you haven't got time to connect with people, then you're taking up valuable air space. You could find a cave or a mountain top and spend some time there. But don't expect people to have time for you should you feel the need for help, support or communication.
Connecting with others makes our lives richer and can only improve our relationships. So why not take the time out to connect with someone more effectively today?
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