Is Fear an Emotion we can live without?

We might be tempted to answer "YES!" Who wants to be scared? How weak is that! Yet when we think about it, fear is one of the strongest motivators there is. It can do one of two things - it can energise us to act and move in a certain direction (away from the sabre tooth tiger) or paralyse us into inaction - to freeze. Both can be useful at the right time, depending on how fast we run, or whether the tiger is less likely to attack a stationery prey! So if we accept that fear is a necessary emotion, if not desirable..

What can we learn from fear?
Gerald Jambolswy writes that all negative emotions come from fear. He also says that the opposite of fear is love and that if we can replace one with the other, we will live a happy, productive life. Now that may sound like a bit of a stretch for some of us but the concept is clear.

Think of a few negative emotions - hatred, jealousy, anger, regret. When we think of times we have experienced these and explore what was behind them we can often find a fear element in each. This is an uncomfortable question for people who like to think of themselves as "strong". After all, anger is a big righteous emotion at times but dig a few layers down and we can usually uncover a fear of some kind. - very often of loss. I found it an interesting way of reframing these emotional energy drains that occur now and again, whether we like them or not. And even more useful was the realisation that everyone else experiences the same mixture so when people act in a seemingly unpleasant way (towards us), they too are probably coming from a place of fear. This certainly makes it easier to understand and possibly to forgive or accept their behaviours. It also makes the notion of replacing fear with love somewhat more achievable. After all, if we can understand that someone who is upsetting us is also acting from fear, then it makes it easier to experience compassion.

Can emotions be intellectualised like this?
I can understand that for some people, dissecting why we experience certain feelings can be just too analytical and they might argue that our emotions are part of who we are and should be allowed to "run wild and free" for want of a better description. To try and change or explain these emotions is going against our natural tendencies. Yet it it has been my experience that when I am going through troubled times, or feeling out of kilter for any reason, I like to do a bit of introspection to work out what the real cause of my uneasiness or unhappiness is. "Seek first to understand" would be my policy and I would direct this understanding towards myself! After all, it's all about me - at least in this instance. By spending time checking into this idea of fear being replaceable by love, I have acquired another tool to reduce anxiety. It has also helped me to get closer to that desirable place of accepting other people by realising that they too may be simply scared of losing something!

How can we turn fear into a useful emotion?
What we're discussing above is when other people cause our negativity. There are times when fear can simply stop us from taking action and have nothing to do with anyone else. Susan Jeffers landmark book, "Feel the fear and do it anyway" wasn't a best seller by sheer chance. The tittle spoke to anyone who has ever felt that they are missing out of something by being too scared to act. The book has wonderful messages and advice about how to channel our fear into more positive emotions and how small adjustments in our thinking can help this happen. I recall the part where she suggests that making a list of things we are worried about, then re-writing the list with the words "I worry that……." being replied with "I wonder if…." could create such a difference in perception of our situation and move us more towards acceptance of outcomes.

So when I find myself feeling fear I like now to think of it as a challenge that has been sent my way because it is exactly what I need to face at this point in my life. . I like to try and detect what lesson is being delivered and what my fear is telling me I need to learn. That small shift can turn a negative into a positive for me and I can sense the excitement of challenge instead of the freeze of fear.

Isn't this a little weak to admit to clients who hire us as coaches?
I think not. The best way of coaching anyone is to get as close to understanding what they are experiencing as we can. If life runs smoothly and we are always in control of our emotions, how can we possibly relate to anyone else who seeks change?
After all, we are in this world together.

These last few months have given me good reason to come face to face with change and get to know my own response to a shifting framework, of circumstances and surroundings, if not lifestyle habits. I have recently taken up a new position and am in charge of a group of Health retreats and spas called The Golden Door which has necessitated a move interstate with all associated chaos. When faced with challenge in my personal life, I am reminded of the experience of my clients - or anyone who wants to move towards more fulfilment and satisfaction in their life. The reality is that change is hard. It means leaving some things behind and replacing then with new routines, people and sometimes possessions. And of course these latter things can be very exciting. Yet human nature has this strange contradiction. To again fall back on my old "friend", Hugh MacKay's musings, "On one hand we seem to crave stability, ritual, repetition and the comfort of the familiar and the predictable.. yet on the other hand, we seem to be constantly yearning for things to be different." Never has this rung more true to me! And I feel that it is exactly this dilemma that creates the struggle for people who want to live in a different way - deal with stress better, be more active, eat a healthier diet, yet find it confronting to give up their regular way of living, eating, moving.

HOW DO WE SUSTAIN CHANGE?
So while I try and balance the mixed emotions of excitement and nervousness that my change in circumstances has created with the inevitable upheaval and emotional cost of leaving people and possessions behind, I am also thrown into a world where I am involved in programs that expose our guests at Golden Door to sudden change, (even if temporary). People come to the health retreats for many reasons - it might simply be a rest and a detox for their bodies (and minds), or because they want to go away revitalised. However, I also feel that many are looking for redirection as well as revitalisation and this is where I see the opportunities lie.

During their 5 or 7 day stay, our guests have time to take stock and set some new goals about where they would like to create change in their lives. Many people come in highly stressed and go through a gradual process of unwinding, detoxing, and letting go of the everyday cares that go with often overly busy lives. By the time they leave, they may experience a shift in body posture, their smiles soften and the energy in the retreat changes. It is a wonderful time for those who choose to give themselves this break. Mainly women, but the men who join us get as much out of the program as their female counterparts. It has often been their wives who have booked them in!

I remember the feeling well of going home after five days at Elysia some years ago now, and wanting to retain the "clean" feeling but it was difficult and life quickly took up its rapid pace and stress returned. The new habits that I wanted to develop somehow got pushed to the side and even though I had a relatively healthy life compared to many, I found it hard not to revert to the familiar routine of let's say, overworking and under-relaxing!

The role that Wellness Coaching can play
Wouldn't it be great if we could get the support of a coach to help us through the stage of change where we develop a routine that eventually becomes automatic and our new lifestyle habits stick? Why isn't this possible? I believe that the health retreat of the future (the near future) will offer this service. The only way we can sustain a change in habits is to practice the new ones diligently. A coach can help by providing accountability, support and at times, information. So people who take that precious time out the their lives to reset their direction, can know that they will be supported on their return home when the real work is done to make new routines as automatic and familiar as the old ones. I can see so many opportunities to combine coaching programs with the concept of an intensive retreat and plan to make the most of this new platform to promote change in individuals through the means of a coaching relationship.

What about the people who seems to thrive on stress and run on nervous energy?
I believe that the need for excitement, challenge and stimulus is greater in some than in others and our restlessness is a personality trait that is very common and individual. The need for peace, calm and stability are very personal and for many of us, learning to find our centre and take time out regularly for contemplation is enough to retain our equilibrium and to balance the desire at times to be within our comfort zones, yet constantly moving out of them. Perhaps this is a more worthwhile goal than constant simplification, slowing down and chilling out!

WHAT STOPS US FROM CONNECTING WITH PEOPLE?

I wrote an ebook for our business members recently entitled "Connecting with People" and it made me think seriously about why we often find this so difficult if it is one of our basic drives. Most of us will take part in superficial conversation quite comfortably (although there are others who are not happy even doing this). But when we start to get into the "heavier" stuff, it can be uncomfortable for many of us. If we agree that life is much richer when share, and that relationships are the building blocks towards a fulfilled life, then we have to put some effort into creating and nurturing them. Yet all too often we leave a meeting/encounter with the sense that we kind of "missed the mark" and feel somewhat lonely, unheard or have a sense that something important wasn't said. Why is this so?

Here are 10 observations of the challenges we face or the thoughts that go through our head and some potential solutions:

1. IT'S EASIER TO TALK ABOUT FACTS THAN EMOTIONS
We enjoy sharing our knowledge with others. But where's the value in commenting on what's going on in the world, your life or even the weather unless we say something about how what effect that has on us? Or what we think about it? Our friends might as well watch the news. Sharing our feelings and perceptions of events doesn't mean we're making it all "about us" - instead we allow people to learn more about us and we become colourful and real, instead of one-dimensional fact machines.

2. WE DON'T WANT TO BE ACCUSED OF GOSSIP OR ENGAGING IN IDLE CHAT ABOUT OTHERS
Of course we don't. But people are part of our lives and how we react or respond to others says a lot about who we are. And others want to know who we are! Expressing concern, interest or enquiry about the other people in our world is a way of building our community and showing that we do care. Talking about our relationships with a third party can often be a great way of working out how we're feeling and recognising our own part in perhaps a conflict or other disagreement. We do need to avoid falling into the trap of criticising, or judging and not to allow our conversation partner to steer the discussion in that direction.

3. WE DON'T LIKE TALKING ABOUT OUR FEELINGS
Some people love to and some people hate to. Admitting to having feelings can reveal weakness. And it doesn't matter whether the feelings are good - like satisfaction or pride, or bad, like shame, fear, anxiety or loss. And yet, once again, having the privilege of a close friend sharing on a level that goes beyond superficial is a gift. I was once part of a group of people who got together to informally support and work through, let's say, a stage of life. It was a rewarding time spent together yet there was one person in the group who eventually everyone owned up to feeling a little uncomfortable with. We started to recognise that although that person was a good listener and undoubtably sympathetic and supportive, she never shared any details of her life. So we felt shut out and a bit like the floor show. Sharing has to be two way.

4. WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WE ARE FEELING
Now that's an obstacle that's fairly common. If you think that applies to you, start trying out a few possibilities. Some people simply don't have the language to describe their feelings and as coaches we can often help by translating a "noise" a client makes into a helpful reflection. "So you're feeling frustrated with the situation?" YES they say with relief. If you are not sure what's going on inside, try brainstorming a few ideas with someone you're close to. Acknowledgment of a strong emotion is the first step to working with it.

5. TALKING ABOUT IT DOESN'T MAKE IT BETTER
No one has suggested that another person has the power to "make it all right". But gaining the support and kind ear of another can ease our pain or annoyance. And if they're very perceptive, they may be able to help us come up with some action that can help us more towards more positive emotions. "Complicated" grief is caused when a person is unable to recognise the feelings of loss and they push the sadness to one side. It doesn't go away and we don't learn to live with it until we look it in the face and accept it for what it is.

6. WHY WOULD ANYONE BE INTERESTED IN OUR PROBLEMS?
People are intrinsically interested in others. Or the ones we want to know are.

7. IT'S MUCH BETTER TO KEEP IT LIGHT
Sure if you want to live your life at a shallow level. We don't have to wallow in daily discussions of emotional hogwash, but people are very complex and interesting and there is great value on pondering the big questions now and again.

8. I DON'T GET A WORD IN
Take a deep breath and say loudly, "It's my turn". Or hold up your hand. This can work. Conversation should be equally shared. Monoloques or soliloquies are for the stage.

9. MY FRIENDS AREN'T "SHARERS"
Ask some open ended questions and avoid answering them yourself. Learn to be comfortable with silence. Even the most silent types will break eventually and give out some information.

10. I JUST DON'T HAVE THE TIME
If you haven't got time to connect with people, then you're taking up valuable air space. You could find a cave or a mountain top and spend some time there. But don't expect people to have time for you should you feel the need for help, support or communication.

Connecting with others makes our lives richer and can only improve our relationships. So why not take the time out to connect with someone more effectively today?

WELLNESS COACHING - CAN THIS WORK IN A GROUP SETTING?

Why would a group setting be as good as (if not better) then one on one coaching where an individual gets more attention? There are many reasons why group work can be very effective and an ideal way to start your coaching service.

AFFORDABLE - the cost is spread and the coach can earn a higher hourly rate.
TIME EFFICIENT - in one session, many peope can achieve the motivation to change.
ENERGY - when a group is formed, it creates its own energy which is sometimes greater than the sum of the whole!
GROUP DYNAMICS - each group will work in a different way and the dynamics at any one time can be intriguing and challenging.
LESS THREATENING - many people prefer to be "one of a crowd" and to speak when they are ready rather than have the whole focus on them.
SUPPORT AND ACCOUNTABILITY - this is greater than what we'd get from a coach alone and can be enormously effective. There are a whole set of people to report to.
OPPORTUNITY TO CONTRIBUTE - A bye product of being part of a group is that group members have the chance to help others.
REALISATION THAT WE ARE NOT ALONE - this also can be powerful as we listen to other people's struggle with change. We may well hear our own story voiced by others.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT - when successes (or challenges) are experienced, the group will acknowledge this.
SENSE OF BELONGING - we thrive on belonging to a group or community which is so often missed in today's isolated society.
PLACE TO CELEBRATE SUCCESS - a bigger cheer when we achieve a goal.
CHANCE TO LEARN BOUNDARIES - a lot of learning takes place in a group as we learn respect for others and a good coach will help the group define appropriate boundaries which so often are crossed in our lives.

Have I convinced you? Great - because I am becoming more convinced as time passes that we have a huge opportunity not only to help our clients but to create a community. We have all heard of the concept of a "tribe" - a large group of avid supporters and followers (of our business, our ideas, our industry). Hugh McKay points out that whereas our identity is often group based, it is actually the small groups ("herds") who have the power to create change and a herd would be a group of about 8-10 people. Just the right size for group coaching! Being part of such a small group can "nurture our confidence and self respect". I would say our coaching programs have the potential to foster and encourage big changes in both the individuals and community that they belong to. Which is why I am strongly supporting all coaches to think about setting up a program that brings people together, is more affordable and incredibly rewarding to facilitate.

WHY WE NEED TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY
I have written a lot on the topic of motivation in recent newsletters - which is essential to our understanding of human behaviour, both as coaches and as individuals who may be striving for a change in lifestyle habits and a way of being in the world. but finding it difficult to stop being "tripped up". Just when I think I have read all the current literature on the topic, I find yet another great publication, this one by Hugh MacKay, the prolific Australia sociologist who throws another curve ball at us. MacKay, in his book "What makes us tick" describes ten desires that drive us to do with we do. There is a lot of overlap between Mackay, Daniel Pink and the Heath brothers in their analysis of the deep motivators in our lives but I really like "What make us tick" as it makes the distinction between what we need and what we want. It is the latter that makes us choose how we live and ultimately how society operates. These drivers are not about survival, they are about choices.

THE DESIRE TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY
This is the first of the ten but it deserves special consideration as it is so important and so often overlooked. When I read this first chapter I could relate it to so many situations where sometimes dysfunctional behaviour arises from the burning desire to "count", to be acknowledged, identified, appreciated, remembered. It also made me think of how this unmet desire can adversely affect relationships with each other, at home and at work and how a better understanding of this can lead to a better understanding of each other.

Key points:

• Although we like to fit in and take part in many similar activities and behaviours, we yearn to be "known for the ways in which we differ from each other". This is the main reason why whe racism and sexism for example, when aimed at us, cause us such grief. We do not want to be marginalised, minimalised or lumped in a bunch!

• People need to maintain their own identity even when part of a group, partnership, team or other collective entity.

• Teenagers struggle with not being taken seriously more than other age groups.

• Some people are hungrier for recognition than others due to past trauma, neglect or disappointment and will seek it out much more actively and be wounded when they don't get it.

• Self obsession, arrogance and narcissism are all perversions of our need for recognition.

• Although hardship and the occasional put down can spur us on to regain our self respect and succeed, in many cases people will seek respect in a number of ways ranging from success in sport, finance, comedy or even by committing some of the worst crimes imaginable.

• People who have been put down a lot in life will tend to do the same to others, as if paying back the injustice they have experienced.

• Minority groups thrive on persecution simply because they are being noticed!

• The best form of recognition does not come from praise or rewards.

What is the most effective way to take someone seriously?

TO LISTEN TO THEM! As always, many of these observations of human nature back up the reason why coaching works. To listen to someone is to give them the greatest gift of all and it is not a natural skill. Whether it is through counselling or coaching, many people will get the greatest benefit because someone was committed to listen to their story and to accept them for who they Are.

This reminds me why I love working in the area of coaching and also backs up the need for these communication skills to be taught in all areas of life - schools, corporations, families, friendships - pretty much anywhere we have contact with others. Could your life improve with more exposure to this skill set?