Worrying - a useful process or a much-maligned habit?

What is worrying all about?
The very word 'worry' makes many of us worried. We know we have the tendency to do too much of it and we have a guilty assumption that is a waste of time, at best, and a destructive, confidence-killing habit at best.

What is worry?
Worrying is what we do when we turn things over in our minds and explore different outcomes to situations - we usually fixate on the negative outcome rather than the positive outcome - otherwise it would no longer be worrying. We then imagine what else (bad) could happen if that negative outcome were to occur. It's a way of exploring and anticipating what could go wrong and in a way can help us mentally prepare for the worst! The words, 'but what if...?' are frequently in Worry Time.

The main reason for worrying receiving such bad press is the belief that it doesn't change a situation and only stops us sleeping or doing something more productive with our lives.

But can worrying be productive?
If you revisit the statement above that contains the word 'explore', we start to see worry in a different light. Imagine if we were never to worry and managed to block all slightly distressing thoughts from our minds. When unfavourable events happened (as they do form time to time) we would be ill-prepared to deal with them. So perhaps we need to refine our worry so that it becomes something of value to us. Perhaps a lesson in worrying constructively might be of use?

Sports psychologist Dr. David Krauss believes that daily practice in worrying is advisable. He encourages his top athletes to worry 'on their terms' rather than being the victim of anxiety. In his book, 'Mastering the Inner Game' he suggests setting time aside each day to worry. Do the job, tick the box and get on with the rest of your day.

So how do we worry constructively?
First, identify the main issue or issues that are causing concern. Sometimes we think we are worrying about one thing but it hides something bigger. If we can identify the value underneath the area of worry, it will help us focus on what the emotions it's producing - usually anxiety - and we can give it our full attention. So let's say we worry about not meeting a deadline. The real fear behind this could be the realization that our motivation to complete the task is not that strong, which could mean that we don't enjoy our job. And if we face up to that fact, it might then necessitate some greater, scarier decisions.

Worry is associated with anxiety. By recognising anxiety and sitting with it for a while, we avoid blocking the fear with worry. Worry is generic, dull feeling and hard to put aside.

Tools we can use:
When we have identified the real fear we cna then test its validity. For example;

• I am afraid I am going to lose my job?
• What will happen if I lose my job?
• What would that open up for me? What would I need to do?
• Is there anything I can do now to either a) prevent losing my job or b) prepare myself for the next action required if I do?

Worry sometimes goes hand in hand with indecision and procrastination

If you find yourself in that uncomfortable place, try coming up with the age-old list of pros and cons. In coaching we call it a Decisional Balance as it provides a list that highlights the negatives and positives of taking a certain action. When they are written down, they are often easier to evaluate and assess. And guess what? When they're on paper, they are usually not scurrying around our head in a scrambled (worrying) fashion. This is a great way of problem solving but worrying is a bit different. We often worry about things that we have no control over at all. That is a waste of time unless it produces actions that we can take that will improve the situation.

In our daily worry time we can aim to have an action plan that concentrates on things we can do that will reduce the anxiety. So change your thinking. Instead of worrying about how much you are worrying, make your worry work for you!

A new take on what drives us

We read a lot of books and information these days - there is so much out there that it's hard not to collapse under a pile of facts, research and interesting commentary! But now and again, we read something that really makes us think.

The interest in 'motivation' has been constant but the real research started 40-50 years ago. Of course who wouldn't want to know, 'Why do people do what they do?'. With Wellness Coaching Australia, I work in the corporate sector and also in the fitness industry and the question of what motivates people is of paramount importance but for slightly different reasons. In the corporate world, more effectively and with greater satisfaction? In the health and fitness industries we want to know how we can help people find their motivation to change behaviours that are not working for them and adopt new behaviours that might work better?

Daniel Pink, in his latest book 'Drive' suggests that there are really only three things that motivate us (once our most basic needs for food, safety and shelter are met). These are:

1. Autonomy - the desire to direct our own lives
2. Mastery - the desire to continually improve at some thing that matters, and
3. Purpose - the desire to do things in service of something larger than ourselves

He also suggests that the traditional approach of the corporate world to use monetary incentives as a way of getting people to work harder can actually be detrimental to their performance. Not only will it not inspire people to strive for bigger goals, but it can destroy their enjoyment of the task and result in poorer performance!

In the health and fitness industry, are we right in assuming that the desire to look and feel better are the main motivators for people to make change in their habits? Perhaps not.

The interesting part of coaching is that we dig deeper to find the more complex and significant reasons why people want to change or move forward. When someone loses weight for example, and we ask what this was like for them, we will quickly hear comments such as 'life changing', 'I feel I have control over my life for the first time', 'I have a new purpose in my days and am about to change my career'. Losing weight can be transformational in more ways than a reflection in the mirror. Good coaches will help their clients tap into these possibilities, before they begin, to help create the motivation to stick to a plan.

And in the corporate world, with work becoming so much more creative and conceptual and the rise of the not-for-profit organizations, we really need to re-think the role that financial rewards play in undermining employees 'inner drive' to work because they enjoy it. There are better ways of encouraging your team to succeed.

This is not a new concept but Pink speaks out against the traditional view and advises his readers to go on a journey of discovery and throw out the 'carrot and stick' method of encouragement. This supports everything that the coaching model stands for which is about helping people take control of their lives, to strive for something that is important to them and to understand why it is important to them. Whether you are in the corporate world with a team of people who you lead to perform, or you are a trainer or club owner with the responsibility of delivering change programs that work you cannot afford to stick to an approach that is outdated but instead need to learn how to uncover people's inner motivation. The smarter operators are already re-thinking their system of 'encouragement'.

What does being WELL mean?

Wellness has many dimensions. Physical 'wellness' is generally the first we think of. Suitable levels of fitness, body weight, muscle strength and flexibility, good nutrition, sleep and postural wellness are all important in living 'well'. But let's not forget mental 'wellness'. The ability to handle stress, control negative thinking and recognise and understand our emotions are very important if you wish to live a productive and satisfying life. And then we have relationship 'wellness' which takes into account our need for meaningful and lasting connections with others and the ability to communicate with people in all areas of our lives - at home, at work, in friendships and the people we come in contact with on a daily basis. Let's not forget organizational 'wellness' where mentoring and coaching programs can improve the culture and attitude of the people who spend a large proportion of their life at work.

Last week I had the privilege of spending three days with the team of lecturers from RMIT who I will be joining in teaching the Masters of Wellness program this year. I listened with interest to them describe their course content and had a chance to reflect on where wellness coaching fitted in. Ranging from positive psychology to permaculture, food science to wellness assessment, intuitive healing, eastern anatomy and yoga to mention a few, it really brought home to me the depth of the concept of wellenss. When I am asked my work, I explain that I coach people to help them achieve 'optimal mental and physical health' which gives me some boundaries to operate around. But the reality is that wellness pervades every area of our personal and professional life so the boundaries are imaginary. When we consider community wellness and global wellness, we start to realise just where this area of learning can stretch to.

So where do we as wellness coaches draw the line and do we need to draw the line?

I have noticed over the years that when a person desires change in one area of their life, such as let's say 'increased fitness' or 'weight loss', and they write a vision around what they want in this area, it often expands to include other changes that they hadn't previously thought of. It's as if the question 'why do I want to be lighter?' stirs up the motivation to improve other areas such as professional satisfaction or improvements in relationships. It may be simply to have a less 'cluttered' existence. This is what makes wellness coaching endlessly fascinating and rewarding.

The Trust Economy

Developments in cyber space have created a refreshing phenomenon in business. We now have a world where people pay without seeing goods, rely on the word of others, share intellectual property knowing that this is the best way of building goodwill and getting their message out there. It's known as the 'Trust Economy'. The internet has done this. We use it for everything. As we become more reliant on laptops, we feel more comfortable communicating online rather than face to face. We would rather make an email enquiry than speak to a person who can answer any questions that may come up. And the younger age groups will share their lives with thousands, sometimes creating an exaggerated image of a life on social networking sites.

Face to Face Relationships
Where does this leave the traditional way of relating to others, or even to ourselves? Wouldn't it be wonderful if this new trusting approach applied to our lives offline. Maybe we could learn to trust ourselves more - listen to our own intuition instead of old irrational fears that have been bred into us by others or past experience. If we could learn to invest in ourselves in the belief that we have what it takes to succeed and to share our fears and dreams honestly with those close to us. Perhaps we could learn to ask for help more instead of wrestling with the growing isolation of depression in our communities.

Coaching as a way of communicating
The wonderful thing about being coached or coaching others is that this starts to happen immediately. It is impossible to enter into a coaching relationship that works without laying everything on the line. When we confront the barriers that get in the way of what we want, we are revealing something of ourselves often on a deep level. By shining the light on fears and recognizing that they have no real basis, we can move to a stronger operating platform. As a coach, we cannot work with clients without learning something about ourselves in each and every session.

So whether you want to achieve something different in your life or if you work with others and want to learn a more effective way of helping them - seek out a good coach, pick up a good coaching guide or take part in a workshop with others who share the same passion. Be part of a growing movement that can change the way we relate to the world, online and offline.

Communicating in other cultures

When you work in the field of communication and travel overseas where you don’t speak the language, it can be quite confronting to face the fact that what you know about communicating in our own culture doesn’t work any more and you have to begin to find a “system” that will send (and receive) appropriate messages. Actually, let me rephrase that – it’s not essential to make a change, but if you want to make your time there enjoyable and be seen as the person you are and have interactions that are fun, effective and rewarding, then change you must. 10 days in Bali put me to the test. I kept thinking in French which wasn’t a lot of use and my Indonesian amounted to one word – terimakasih, or thank you. Not a bad start. In fact that one word in any country goes a long way to gaining you acceptance, or a least toleration! And if you combine it with a head bob, hands in prayer and big smile, you are way ahead of the rest of the tourist gang. Why? Not because of your exceptional talent for language, but because you made the effort to fit in in a place where you are the alien.

The first day as a passenger on a motorbike was another lesson in cultural specific communication. Riding vespas in Sydney gave us no advantage or warning of what was to come. Narrow, crowded roads with open drains on the side, full of scores of bike riders carrying unimaginable loads weaving their way past trucks, buses, cars, taxis, pedestrians and rabid looking dogs where NO RULES APPLIED was my first impression. How do you safely pass a man on a bike carrying a ladder with his head through the rungs, or a couple on a 125cc scooter with two surf boards and two Labrador-sized dogs? Answer, with care and courtesy. It took me a while to realise that the only rule that applied was to accept that there were no rules other than one – everyone had to make that traffic flow and the only way to do that was to allow movement where it could happen. To do this (and to avoid your own death or injury or that of other people) took one big shift towards thinking of other people instead of focusing on ourselves.. Yes, there it was demonstrated in the most hectic place on earth – unselfishness and cooperation at its best. I am sure there is more learning to come from this experience but the immediate one was that I saw no road rage, not even an unnecessarily beeping horn. No one became impatient. When the only route to get past was to ride on the pavement, instead of trying to cut that audacious person off and make them pay for getting there sooner, the general feeling was, “what a good idea” and to follow. Again, the notion of smiling and thanking worked wonders. There is something in that system that could teach many governments many lessons. And being part of that system allowed us to brave the busiest streets (complete with 10 foot surf board in the end) knowing that we were as safe as were in Sydney, if not safer! The Balinese have worked out that for their traffic system to work, they have to make it work themselves. How incredibly refreshing.

Constant harassment by people wanting to sell something became the next challenge, until we applied the same principles, Say a clear “No thank you” with a big smile and you got a smile back and usually no more chasing. We saw many tourists respond rudely with anger or impatience and saw the reaction of the hawkers. A bad feeling all around. At times, their persistence made me curious to see what would follow (or perhaps I just really wanted what they were selling) and I started to realise that these people had some of the most important principles of sales down pat. Create a relationship (get a name, find out where they’re from and how many kids they have). Create trust and empathy (share information of your own to relate to them, usually around the area of children as there was little else to go on). Appeal to emotion (new at the job, had a quiet day, worked for 12 hours – okay often guilt but it works. Close the sale and try and upsell – “how many you want?” How could we resist buying three when the price came down so much? I loved it.

There were lessons to be learnt in communication everywhere. The humility and grace of the people who served us, their ability to meet the sharpest comment or complaint with a smile, their love of getting to know more about their tourists and to please them (to the point where the menus included more western items than Idonesian) and their natural ability to create relationship was like balm to my soul. It just took a few days to recognise it. I am now home driving my car and my bike defensively and finding it much more stressful and tiring. I notice how rushed people are and how lacking in service skills we’ve become. Get me back to Bali.